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Is Everyone just crazy or is crazy not even a thing


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I was diagnosed as being bipolar in my early teen years and I fought the diagnosis to death because it was mainly my fathers wife who shoved the pills down my throat which I actually think made me crazier and I refused to take my meds moved out at 16 and grew to live a happy "normal" feeling life .....for the most part. Now I'm in my thirties and I have had some episodes with anxiety and depression and am looking back on this whole "bipolar thing". Is there something wrong with mania because to me , I just don't know if its mania or just the way my mind works. Sometimes I get ideas often for businesses or things like that and I will be up planning out every detail of it for hours on end and then add it to the list of never gonna see dreams pile, but it doesn't necessarily feel bad so much, other than the when am I gonna actually do something feeling. Is this mania? Is everything we do feel or think able to be categorized into some type of disorder. What exactly should a normal person feel like then? It is only after awhile that the depression anxiety part creeps up I'm mostly living in a state of mania then, or am I just living lol 

The depression is easy. I now when I feel like I can't get out of the bed in the morning, when I start smoking or stress eating and have zero energy .Its the rest of the time I'm in the dark , I laugh a lot, I joke around a lot, at myself included, when I say things like I am going through a tough time people laugh because of the way I say it or they know my joking personality and know I will go to work and say things like I have a note so now no one is allowed to stress me out and  I always took it to be a defense mechanism for stress, but sometimes I actually wonder if that's why people get along with me because they think I'm funny. But funny as in someone who has gotten high their whole life and is just so permanently burnt out that you would think they have just smoked a blunt but they don't even get high at all and no one believes them. Is this a result of all these meds ? Maybe I just have brain damage or something and I am in a forever state of stoner now.

Should I be playing around with these meds and calling feelings things like bipolar again? Or is it not normal to tell yourself just to lay low today and don't talk so much because sometimes you know you might talk a bit too much a bit too fast and  struggle to hear what anyone else is saying. I know it can't be normal that I go into hysterical fits of rage on my significant other on random occasions, that can't be right. The crying for no reason thing , yeah okay probably not on the good list. Can I blame eating a gallon of ice cream and sleeping for hours on end on something that's not really my fault? Umm well that sounds nice actually. What about the breakdown I had that made me call out of work and the email I wrote my boss that night about all the ways I think we can positively improve morale that happened to be 2 full pages long, she responded well the other staff seems to have loved it , is that stuff part of the "crazy file" or no? Do I care a little too much sometimes about things?,Do I need to tone myself down a little ? crazy.. not crazy? Why do I write forever and can only feel like I'm able to express myself fully through it...crazy? Am I over-exaggerating things ? Is there some happy middle ground where people float along never sitting up planning the miniature golf course chains they are going to be the future CEO of or learning as much about cheese as the possibly can because it will probably be good for my career one day. but also never becoming so irritable then think they will have a stroke when somethings not done that you asked to be done. Do other people have to get in the car and just go for a ride to what my kids call "the middle of nowhere" just because you need an adventure on occasion. People call that creative and fun when most other adults are like hey let's go here and keep it simple. Do I just have the same curiosity as a child or is that mania? Sometimes I feel like a child, a fully functioning adult with a shit ton of responsibilities that says fuck this I'm, gonna go build a sand castle , not just anyone it's gonna be the biggest most elaborate one ever actually I'm practically a professional by now because I sat up all night learning how to do it on the internet.  You'd think I'd be tired but actually, I'm more energized than I've ever been so let's go. 

Do I wanna be there, on that middle ground or is this kind of more fun, because if it's a manic phase, I can't say I hate it. I can't say I'm an unreasonable person either though I can identity these things and if I can I must not be really that crazy at all right? Please don't call me bipolar if I'm bipolar I feel like I failed at not being bipolar. I said I wasn't bipolar. I grew into a productive member of society from a risk taking defiant teen who put my parents through hell and back  sex, selling drugs running away you name it, and enjoy saying you were wrong about me back then. I'm stable, I'm boring even now. Its their fault for putting me on the meds still right? I don't know anymore. Is anyone gonna read this?   

Aahh I don't know I'm just looking for a place , a place where there's people I can say "fuck" to, a place with people who have the same sense of humor as me but know we really aren't joking, and maybe a place where somewhere out there is also wondering , is crazy even a thing? 

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It's real. A lot of people struggle with the "which part of me is bipolar, and which part of me is the genuine me?" question. If your moods are interfering with your life, you should seek care: a Therapist, or a Psychiatrist.

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6 hours ago, crtclms said:

It's real. A lot of people struggle with the "which part of me is bipolar, and which part of me is the genuine me?" question. If your moods are interfering with your life, you should seek care: a Therapist, or a Psychiatrist.

This ^^ I totally agree.  A therapist, psychiatrist, or both.

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I have the same problem. Even when stable, I think "Am I really stable? How would I know?" people around me say I am doing well, including my pdoc whom I saw yesterday, but I still wonder sometimes, when manic, if it is just part of my personality or if I am separately into something else. Sometimes bits cross over, too. When stable, sometimes I have what I call "bipolar hangovers" where I am fine, but have one or two lingering symptoms. For instance, I have an impulsive problem and spend money like I shouldn't. Is that just me? Or is it part of the bipolar just hanging on? Etc...

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Sometimes it is hard to know what is normal in terms of how much energy you have, etc.  Personally I usually don't know it until after the fact.  By then I most likely have crashed.

Quote

For instance, I have an impulsive problem and spend money like I shouldn't. Is that just me? Or is it part of the bipolar just hanging on? Etc...

It is hard to say whether the money-spending is just you or part of the bipolar.

FWIW ... Over time I know when I start shopping on-line a lot more than I should, I know something is starting.  Because I now know that, if I see myself ordering too much I can focus on not doing it (if possible).  The usual me doesn't order much.

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I can't differentiate. I do it all the time, even when stable - so is it just a part of me or is it a sign of something? I mean I HAVE had more energy, but I'm sleeping well. I'm irritable more often, but can calm myself down from it easily when I notice it.

 

So.... I dont' know.

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2 minutes ago, 2Spirals said:

I can't differentiate. I do it all the time, even when stable - so is it just a part of me or is it a sign of something? I mean I HAVE had more energy, but I'm sleeping well. I'm irritable more often, but can calm myself down from it easily when I notice it.

 

So.... I dont' know.

It is hard to say whether it is part of you or not.  I think you should tell this to your pdoc (just like you have here) to have an outside perspective of it all.  Sometimes an outside view can pick up things someone else can't.

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On 7/1/2016 at 0:56 PM, melissaw72 said:

It is hard to say whether it is part of you or not.  I think you should tell this to your pdoc (just like you have here) to have an outside perspective of it all.  Sometimes an outside view can pick up things someone else can't.

She told me that I sound stable but that there are some symptoms that I was describing that we should be alert and watching out just in case. But that I wasn't quite there.

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12 hours ago, 2Spirals said:

She told me that I sound stable but that there are some symptoms that I was describing that we should be alert and watching out just in case. But that I wasn't quite there.

I'm glad you sound stable, and that your pdoc is looking out for you.  Is there anything you can do to lessen the symptoms that you are alert and watching out for right now?  Or is it like whatever happens, happens?

(in bold) ... Let's hope you don't get to that point!

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  • 4 weeks later...
On 7/4/2016 at 2:37 AM, melissaw72 said:

I'm glad you sound stable, and that your pdoc is looking out for you.  Is there anything you can do to lessen the symptoms that you are alert and watching out for right now?  Or is it like whatever happens, happens?

(in bold) ... Let's hope you don't get to that point!

I went manic then crashed. I'm having a hard time picking up the pieces but I am getting there. 

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