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Anesthesia nightmare

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I had an outpatient procedure ..among many..and seems everytime the anesthesia affects me worse. I feel like I'm losing it, feel like crying and throwing stuff at the same time.

I really want to cut. I did last week after "doing good" for so long.

Now I am thinking about it alot and the thing is, I have outpatient procedures for Urological stuff and also my knee and I don't want anymore scars. I had a bad experience in ICU once with someone treating me like a freak around the med students. And most of my scars are on my upper arms..so she had to raise my sleeve.

I'm just trying to relieve some pressure here..so maybe I don't give in tonight.

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just take it minute by minute, day by day.

i'm sorry the docs made you feel bad about your scars.  i get that sometimes when i get blood drawn and i have to roll up my sleeve.  it was worse when they were more recent and red, but i still get it sometimes and it sucks.  it's absurd for a person of the medical profession to make you feel shame about anything health realated, even if they don't understand.

i hope you can find the knowledge somewhere in yourself that you don't have to feel shame abou this.  you had one slip up last week, but that's ok.  let it go and focus on all the days when you wanted to cut but didn't.  call that strength up again.

do you have any SI alternatives that help?  snapping a rubber band?  a cold shower?  going for a walk in the winter air?

it's good that you're posting here about this before going strainght to SI. 

post away.  fill up the thread tonight if you want.  go ahead and cry and throw stuff.  get the pain out, don't keep it in.  there's no reason to keep it in.  you're having a bad reaction to the anestesia.  just remember it's just the stupid med that's making you feel like this, but that feeling like this is okay.  it's okay to feel pain and anger. 

as hagrid said in harry potter to ron when he was puking slugs: "better out that in"

so, let it out, don't keep it bottled up, try not to let the pain make you hurt yourself.  let it out in this thread or in a journal so that it's not boiling over inside of you.  if you can.  i know that this is asking a lot.  emotions are scary fucking things sometimes, and it sounds like that anestesia took you to a scary place.

i hope tomorrow brings you better thoughts than this night did.

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Penny, Thank you.

That did help me.

I still have some thoughts ..and I know exactly what I would do, but I will take it one hour at a time, I guess.

The rubber band and ice thing never did help me. I would just think, "This is not my razor blade".

I know it does help some, though.

It really fucking sucks when you KNOW what would help and you fight the urge to do it, ya know?

Thanks for helping me.. ;)

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I don't know if it is still from anethesia or not but I have cried all night off and on. Even about news stories about babies. PLus everything in my little world is coming down on me. Eveything that is worng is hitting me right now.

This may be a trigger*

I just want to slice up my arm. It would feel so good to feel that blood ..and if I do, i will hate myself tomorrow for the scars I know I will have and my not having any control.

This fucking sucks. And I HATE being bipolar and everything else I have.

But that's another thread.

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