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I'm lonely.

Almost every weekend is the same.  I spend most of my days off alone.  I have a few friends, but they seem to have so many more friends than me.  Whenever I talk to them they've done x, y, and z with this, that and the other person.  My life is nothing like that.  I usually spend my weekends shopping or window shopping or running errands and watching tv.  That's it!!!!!

I guess I don't know that much about what being a friend means.  I've very loyal and always want the best for my friends.  I guess I also expect a lot from them.  But if I had to explain why I think I am lonely, it's because my mother, the main figure in my life when I was growing up, was very disrespectful of my boundaries.  Because of this, I grew up expecting people to violate my boundaries, and therefore I fear others and tend to I keep my distance. 

I'm also scared of rejection, so that probably doesn't help.  I guess I subconsciously feel that by staying alone, no one can hurt me.  I'm very sensitive, so I take minor tiffs between friends (which are probably normal) very seriously and as evidence that I'm better off alone.

I'm open to your thoughts on how I can improve this situation. 

;):):P

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Guest ~Aurelie~

hi devon. i'm sorry you're feeling lonely.

i'm definitely not in a place to be giving advice, so i'm not going to even attempt. but i read your post and wanted to say i hear you. i very much relate to what you wrote in your last two paragraphs.

you obviously have loads of insight into your own experiences. good for you for reaching out when you're feeling lonely.

thinking of you,

aurelie

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want some practical advice?  find some kind of group activity that you really really love, so that you get some guaranteed social interaction with people who share a passion with you...it's safer, cuz you always have something in common to talk about (like Libby and her chis, or me and Olga and our recipes).  if you don't know what you like to do, then just start trying different things.  try looking at it like an adventure...that's what i do.  i'm basically an introvert, i don't do groups of people well, i don't do chitchat or girly interactions well, i definitely can't play politics but when i try something i look at it as 'whee, a new experience!  i like novelty.  i'll try it, & if i don't like it i'll never go back'.

i've generally found all friends that way....they are people that i share a deeply held common interest (whether it's knitting, cooking, or going to auctions) and that always gives us a common ground, while we discover whether our personalities are compatible.

someone else on another thread mentioned feeling they were a boring person.  i'm not very outgoing, i'm always a wallflower at stereotypical 'party' type gatherings, but like an Aspie, find me something i like & i'm good to go.  furthermore, i'm 41 and i now find that there is all kinds of stuff i want to try...just to say 'yeah, i did that'.  i dunno, its just that there is so much out there, we live in a huge and varied planet.....i feel like i'm eating at a buffet, one that never ends. 

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furthermore, i'm 41 and i now find that there is all kinds of stuff i want to try...just to say 'yeah, i did that'.  i dunno, its just that there is so much out there, we live in a huge and varied planet.....i feel like i'm eating at a buffet, one that never ends.
Wow, reddog, that flax is really working!  I'm being quite serious.  You sound great.

Devon, red gave really practical advice. 

You have to take charge, and try something.  Get out of your comfort zone.  Just do one thing, like make a phone call to ask about a class, or to invite a friend to a movie.

Then come back here and tell us about it.  Deal?

We'll be waiting to hear.

Auntie Lib

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i think a big part of it for me is i finally quit worrying so damn much about how i look to other people, am i fitting in, why can't i act all bubbly and get positive responses like all the cute bubbly girls do....i gave up on that & went for the idea that if i'm by myself, i need something interesting to do/read about/think about/plan.

it does help that i love to read, and i like reading about my hobbies---i have an entire bookcase full of cookbooks, and 2 whole rows devoted to crafting books. 

i'm quite happy with my own company.  i just really like learning or doing new stuff.  i like the intellectual challenge.  i always have been that way.  i was the only person at OSU who liked taking all those required electives on history of music and world religion and linguistics cuz it was interesting to me.

i really do recommend losing yourself in something fascinating....just keep trying till you find something that clicks.

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Sometimes I think I'm one of those people who's meant to have an all-engrossing career, like being a doctor or owning my own business.  I do best when I'm TOO busy.  I'm very bad at keeping myself occupied and structuring my time when I'm alone or when I have a lot of time on my hands.  That's also why I put all of my eggs in the "relationship basket."  Dating someone means everything to me because I can glom onto the other person's interests, go places with them, etc.  I'm too scared to do things on my own and I'm not really good at coming up with ideas. ;)

Unfortunately, it's a bit of a conundrum.  When I'm working I'm longing for free time, but I don't know how to enjoy myself when I'm not working.  I long for a relationship, but because I have so few interests, I don't think I'm really interesting to other people.

I will *try* to do something new, guys, but it's really hard for me.  It's that yucky time of year (still a few months til winter is over) and I just got dumped by the guy I was seeing...right now I'm just really lacking in confidence to try new things.

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Hi, at my school and places like the YMCA they have classes like swimming or kung fu or yoga and its usually for cheap.. thats something to do where you can interact with other people.  my dad is doing this ballroom dancing thing, but thats not really my thing, but theres an idea too. 

these types of activities are good because you get to be around people and you dont have to worry about rejection, since its just hanging out with people to focus on something specific - and its a form of exercise - which is good for depression anyways.  there should be an activity for every level of fitness.. personally i am going to try this kung fu next semester because i would like to do lots of exercise and kick ass at the same time! hehe...

but as far as loneliness i understand totally, because i feel so much better today b/c im spending time with my family who i dont see that often and im not in my apartment room alone.  i need to work on reaching out (calling people, going somewhere outside) during those times when i am by myself.

I'm lonely.

Almost every weekend is the same.  I spend most of my days off alone.  I have a few friends, but they seem to have so many more friends than me.  Whenever I talk to them they've done x, y, and z with this, that and the other person.  My life is nothing like that.  I usually spend my weekends shopping or window shopping or running errands and watching tv.  That's it!!!!!

I guess I don't know that much about what being a friend means.  I've very loyal and always want the best for my friends.  I guess I also expect a lot from them.  But if I had to explain why I think I am lonely, it's because my mother, the main figure in my life when I was growing up, was very disrespectful of my boundaries.  Because of this, I grew up expecting people to violate my boundaries, and therefore I fear others and tend to I keep my distance. 

I'm also scared of rejection, so that probably doesn't help.  I guess I subconsciously feel that by staying alone, no one can hurt me.  I'm very sensitive, so I take minor tiffs between friends (which are probably normal) very seriously and as evidence that I'm better off alone.

I'm open to your thoughts on how I can improve this situation. 

;):):P

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

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I will *try* to do something new, guys, but it's really hard for me.
I know it's hard.  That's why I said just make a phone call.  That's all-- a phone call.  Phone calls can be hard.

Actually, you can just google, forget the phone call.  Just look for activiites in your town on google!  I know you can do that.  Even I can do that.  I hate making phone calls. 

So, go google, and then let us know what you find for leisure activities or classes. 

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When I was in my early 20's, I felt much like you do now.  Now I am in my early 40's and I can say these two things for certain:

1.  As lonely as you feel now, it will not always be like this.  I promise. :)

2.  As far as men go, another one will come along, they always do. ;)

Now, do you have a dog?  Can you borrow one?  Can you get a job in your off time walking one?

Some of the happiest times of my life have been with pets.  If you could take a dog for a walk, or even better to a park, people will chat with you.  Many people have pets, or have owned a pet at some time, and feel easy talking to strangers about them.  Sometimes it is nice just to have interaction with other people.

A co-worker who suffers from depression got a puppy for Christmas.  I have known this person for 7 years and I can honestly say I have never seen such a look of joy on her face since this puppy has been a part of her life.  They go for walks and she chitchats with people on their walks; I guarantee you she would never have gone out and walked alone.

kane

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