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;):) :Trigger:I can't survive in this world anymore.  I have nothing.  My marriage is ending, he fucking hates me.  I walked out on my kids 2 years ago.  Was never a decent parent anyway.  My parents hate me.  I have no friends.  No reason to be.  I hurt everyone I touch.  I am evil.  Even God has abandoned me.  I want to die.  I need the strength.  I won't go to the hospital they will just lock me up.  If I get locked up they will never let me out.  I will die in some fucking state shit-hole after they fry my brain and pump me full of drugs.  That is not a life.  I just fucking want out.  I hate this world.  It has never been anything but pain and torment to me.  Its my head.  I cant make it stop.  Calling me worthless, whore, stupid, fat. ugly, evil and the worst of it is, its right.  (Not voices...just thoughts Im not thinking)  I told DH that when I met him and he didn't believe me.  Now he agrees with the damn voices too. I have xanax.  I took one.  I could take the other 25 no problem.  And no one gives two shits if I do.    He's fucking sleeping after I told him I probably wont make it through the night.  I don't matter to anyone.  I never have.  There is no point in this.  The worst of it is I probably dont even have the courage to do this.  And I want to more than anything.  Is "God give me the strength to swallow all my pills" a valid prayer? 

And I dont know why I am posting this.  I dont think anyone here would notice if I dissappeared.  I dont expect help.  I just want to be heard for once.  I just want someone to know why.  My world is empty.  There is no hope for me.  This shit is unfixable.  It never gets better.  I ruin everything I touch. 

Ill probably still be here in the morning.  One more thing I couldn't manage to do.  Big fucking surprise.

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And I dont know why I am posting this.  I dont think anyone here would notice if I dissappeared.  I dont expect help.  I just want to be heard for once.  I just want someone to know why.  My world is empty.  There is no hope for me.  This shit is unfixable.  It never gets better.  I ruin everything I touch.
Crazygrrl, I hear you.

Those mean, insulting voices in your head came from somewhere, somewhere back in your childhood.  The key is to root them out from where they began.  That is what I am working on with EMDR.

You probably are in no mood to hear this, but there is hope.  There are always other therapies like DBT and CBT. There are other drugs.  There is also the hospital.

Don't take the pills.  Just go to sleep for tonight.  On the couch, or in bed with your husband, wherever you'd rather be.

Just sleep.  Don't die, just sleep.

And talk to us tomorrow.

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Most likely I can't talk you out of the way you are thinking....but what you have said sounds like classic depression guilt....so I'm guessing the assumptions you are making about yourself being evil, ruining everything you touch, are JUST NOT TRUE. 

It may FEEL like that...but that doesn't mean that is what is true in your reality.  Please keep talking to us about how you are feeling. 

You know the drill, you know that people are going to suggest calling pdoc, tdoc, or hospital...which is excellent advice.  But please keep typing...get it out.  These feelings will pass.....it does not feel like it, but what you are feeling is temporary. 

I hope you can find some peace tonight, even if just for a moment. 

Hang on.   

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Hi,

Not to get all religious - but you have a bible verse in your sig line and you ask god for help in swallowing the pills.

if you say god has abandoned you why would god give you help to die?

Im not being sarcastic, I think Im being literal to what you wrote.

For myself - I dont know where god is.....somewhere I suppose.

I, too have taken "an extra" of some things before, and I just find the next morning my head to be swimming in the stuff.....so thats been my experience.

december

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Those mean, insulting voices in your head came from somewhere, somewhere back in your childhood.  The key is to root them out from where they began.  That is what I am working on with EMDR.

You probably are in no mood to hear this, but there is hope.  There are always other therapies like DBT and CBT. There are other drugs.  There is also the hospital.

I need to get into therapy.  My last T mentioned EMDR but never got around to doing anything about it.  It did seem interesting though.  I think I will look for someone who is trained in that. 

The thing is, I was never called names in childhood.  All this has come out of my own head.  Then my first husband started calling me names.  My parents weren't exactly bad, they just had no idea that I was supposed to be an individual outside of them. 

I'm guessing the assumptions you are making about yourself being evil, ruining everything you touch, are JUST NOT TRUE. 

It may FEEL like that...but that doesn't mean that is what is true in your reality.  Please keep talking to us about how you are feeling.

I'm not so sure.  I do confuse emotions for reality a lot but I just don't think this is one of those times.  DH used to say that to me when he met me, that it is just not real.  Now he says he was mistaken, that I really do ruin everything I touch.  He is good with reality and objectivity.  I think he is right. 

I, too have taken "an extra" of some things before, and I just find the next morning my head to be swimming in the stuff.....so thats been my experience.

Yea your probably right.  It probably wouldn't have worked.  But 25 Xanax and 50 lexapro may have been enough.  Dunno really.

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Cerberus..I just love you..Listen to him crazy girl..He speaks the truth..and sometimes when you post. Well....you are writing out what some of us just can't seem to touch..Your post really touched me...and struck a cord. So thank you..thank you for puting it out there. I need to that..To know I am not alone this night..

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damn, girl, am i glad you made it through the night!  reading your post gave me chills, but i didn't check in here until early afternoon.

please, check out emdr or some more therapy....cbt may also be an option for you.  since you say you don't have any childhood traumas, then maybe classic talk therapy just won't do it for you.

and for saying everything you touch turns to shit-----then, go hire a pro to teach you how not to do it.  that's all a tdoc really is....a pro who coaches you on the best way to get to where you want to be.  you wouldn't climb Mt. Everest w/o a guide, and porters, and specialized equipment, the best you could buy?  so why fight depression w/o an expert? go hire the best one you can buy----the one that has a method that works FOR YOU.

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Heya CraZgrrl,

I have to chime in with Cerberus here.

When I read Cerberus about what thought-stopping/CBT can do --

-- it motivates me to do the homework.

In terms of couples counselling, from my very limited experience, it has more chance of helping if combined with individual therapy.

I hope your chosen (EMDR?) therapy/therapist works for you.

--ncc--

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Like others, I was really struck by what reddog said about confronting the hateful voices. I love that and I loved hearing that it can work.  Sometimes when I am not strong enough and I try to fight them, it saps ALL of my energy and I can't do the littlest thing.  So when I recognize that I need to be in my pajamas and have the tv on and a pint of Dublin Mudslide ice cream by my side, I, like reddog but not quite there yet ;) try not to listen to the choir:  don't enter the dialogue.  Skip the confrontation part entirely, and just "talk to the hand," as was said . . . I find that if I'm at my worst, I can't shut them up and I just give them fuel.  Like today:

Loud Voice:  "You're the worst friend in the world.  You reached out to 3 people today and NOT ONE OF THEM even responded.  You suck."

Weak Me:  "But maybe they're just busy . . . they have lives.  Be quiet and leave me alone!"

Loud Voice:  "If someone told YOU they were in a bad place, you'd be there for them in a heartbeat.  You don't mean anything to ____, ______, or ________.  Or anybody, for that matter.  You're a freak and a needy pain in the ass."

Weak Me:  "They're tired of me.  I'm draining.  I'm a bad friend.  I'm the worst.  Why would they listen to me now - I'm always in a bad place.  I'm going to hibernate until spring.  Or longer.  I'm never talking to them again.  I'm deleting them from my email address book.  I'm never answering the phone again." 

etc. etc. etc.

So, it's pajamas and Dublin Mudslide and distraction until I'm strong enough to yell TALK TO THE HAND!

I'm babbling . . . but I was just thinking about you and hoping you've had a few moments of breathing space today.

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Libby  thank you so much for the links.  There are 8 in my area.

In EMDR then, you have control over what you say? 

Oh yeah, absolutely.  You're completely conscious and awake.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Good.  I don't want to lose control over what I say.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

No worries.  You're totally in control of everything.  As time passes, you tend to feel relaxed, but that's it.  You never fall asleep or anything like that.  You stay fully awake.

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Uggg...meds.  I've been trying to avoid meds.  I am thinking of therapy first but I'm unsure.  So what do you think about Tdoc and no meds?  I am going to see about a PRN script for when I get out of control though and get a refferral for Tdoc.

I have done it both ways, and candidly, I do not recommend going the therapy-only route.  If, for instance, you had been abused as a child but had no underlying chemical imbalance in your brain, you could probably tackle your issues with therapy alone.  But if you have been diagnosed with a condition, you should be looking at your situation realistically and practically; you can't talk your way out of a brain imbalance any more than you can talk your way out of diabetes.

I have always hated taking medication, so I fought off the worst of my depression without meds.  But by the time my next bout came around, I had a family and kids, and they needed me stable right then - I didn't have the luxury of the time it would take to do the therapy-only route again (and it takes time).  Now, in hindsight, I think I was foolish to shun meds in the first place, because I suffered needlessly.  Meds are a tool, just like a hammer.  You find the right tool for the right job, and use it.  You wouldn't try to drive a nail with the palm of your hand, and you should carefully consider your docs' advice if they suggest you work with medications.

Just my $.02, adjusted for inflation.

Cerberus

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But if you have been diagnosed with a condition, you should be looking at your situation realistically and practically; you can't talk your way out of a brain imbalance any more than you can talk your way out of diabetes.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I'm just not sure I believe in the biochemical imbalance theory totally.  I go back and forth with that one.  Though I know Ive always been this way.  I know I am less capabale of handling things and more prone to being emotionally overwhelmed than normal people.  But how much is it this shitty world we live in?

I think I was foolish to shun meds in the first place, because I suffered needlessly.
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