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Please... I'm terrified....


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I'm absolutely terrified of having bipolar disorder. I'm scared that how I have been feeling is what it feels like.

I feel like a newborn baby every day. I don't understand the concept of time at all and I have no sense of self like I am reborn every day into a brand new unreal and scary world. I feel like the me before died and I'm this new person who doesn't know what to do. I also don't even feel like a human at all. Things also seem dreamy and unreal. i can't remember what real felt like?!!!

HELP, I'M TERRIFIED!!!!!

This all started when I had a marijuana panic attack back in March.

I can't even take Klonopin now because since starting Lamictal, the Klonopin gives me visual hallucinations!! Like words swirling like paint in water on the page and things falling down off the wall

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5 minutes ago, aura said:

Just to clarify... are you afraid you might have bipolar or are you afraid because you just got diagnosed bipolar?

I'm sorry you are struggling either way. Sounds like a rough situation.

I've never been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. But I'm scared I am becoming seriously mentally ill. Like, anything I'm diagnosed with now or what I dealt with before the marijunana panic attack was cake compared to now. I'm so scared I'll start hearing voices all the time outside my head (I've heard them in my head at times) or that I'll become manic and delusional.

I'm losing control of my mind and body and I'm scared. I don't even feel human anymore or understand time or anything. I feel like every day I wake up, I'm scared, heart pounding, reality doesn't feel like it did before, etc... like I was just placed on this giant spaceship rock thing and now have to figure things out.

I'm so afraid that I am delusional right now or something. I'm in some alternate reality literally.

I look around through these windows that are eyes and nothing makes sense like before the marijunana panic attack.

I also get these weird thoughts thinking I might stab someone with a knife if I see a knife even though I really wouldn't do that. And license plates numbers are messages. I've been bothered by a particular set of numbers that are seeming to appear at times again. 

WTF IS GOING ON??????

Edited by surreal
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I'm sorry you feel terrified of what is going on. 

 

1 minute ago, surreal said:

I'm so scared I'll start hearing voices all the time outside my head (I've heard them in my head at times) or that I'll become manic and delusional.

I see in your sig that you are SZA depressive-type, etc.  That in itself could cause the symptoms you list above^^

 

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The thought that you might stab someone is a common intrusive thought. It doesn't mean you're suddenly a dangerous person. Everyone gets this thought from time to time. The difficulty is in not giving it so much weight. 

It sounds to me like you're dealing with a lot of anxiety and maybe depersonalization (just speaking from my own experience). Depersonalization feels to me like an alternate reality. Sometimes it's an early symptom of psychosis for me, but that might be idiosyncratic. Dunno.

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Yes, I keep being told by everyone (doctors) that this is all anxiety. It's nothing like the anxiety I've experienced before this all happened. I think I had a mental breakdown. I've been hospitalized twice in the past month and am doing the IOP thing now. I've never needed this much mental health support ever. I'm not even a human anymore. I died back in March.

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I can relate. Before this year, my last hospitalization was a decade ago. This year I got locked up 6 times. I'm also hoping it's not something that is going to continue forever. Sometimes I guess we just hit rough patches. 

I've read that marijuana can be a catalyst for psychiatric problems, so it makes sense that your current issues started there.

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1 hour ago, surreal said:

I also get these weird thoughts thinking I might stab someone with a knife if I see a knife even though I really wouldn't do that. And license plates numbers are messages. I've been bothered by a particular set of numbers that are seeming to appear at times again. 

WTF IS GOING ON??????

The knife thing sounds OCD to me. I do the license plate thing - I have to distract myself from thinking about it too much when I'm on the road. Like Melissa said your symptoms sound like they could also be attributed to your schizoaffective disorder. So sorry you are so scared!  Hope you feel better soon. Can you talk about this in IOP?

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I see you're on a pretty low dose of Lamictal. Does that mean you've just started it and are titrating? LTG titration can be very unpleasant, particularly at low doses (which 50 mgs is), and can make you very irritable and spacey.

That aside, what you're experiencing doesn't sound like bipolar symptoms to me. You sound delusional.

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28 minutes ago, Gearhead said:

I see you're on a pretty low dose of Lamictal. Does that mean you've just started it and are titrating? LTG titration can be very unpleasant, particularly at low doses (which 50 mgs is), and can make you very irritable and spacey.

That aside, what you're experiencing doesn't sound like bipolar symptoms to me. You sound delusional.

Yes, I just started the Lamictal a little less than 2 weeks ago. I had no idea the titration could be rocky. I haven't really noticed any side effects so far, maybe some dizziness. I'm not really sure. I was told the Lamictal would help to spacey feeling/depersonalization and possibly depression.

When you titrated up on Lamictal, what dosage did you get to when you started to feel better?

Yes, I feel delusional. I am scared. I seriously feel like I died back in March. I am not even the same person I was before nor do I even feel human. I feel brain damaged.

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6 hours ago, whome said:

The knife thing sounds OCD to me. I do the license plate thing - I have to distract myself from thinking about it too much when I'm on the road. Like Melissa said your symptoms sound like they could also be attributed to your schizoaffective disorder. So sorry you are so scared!  Hope you feel better soon. Can you talk about this in IOP?

Yeah, I have been talking about most of this in IOP. I haven't mentioned anything about the weird intrusive thoughts. I'm scared they'll send me IP again. I had to go involuntarily the first time because I couldn't hold myself together when I tried IOP a few weeks ago.

I hate seeing certain numbers everywhere. When this happens, they appear almost everywhere and I can't get away from it! It makes me feel worried. I don't want to say which numbers because I hate even thinking about it. But they appear in sequences on receipts, license plates, everywhere basically.

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16 minutes ago, surreal said:

I hate seeing certain numbers everywhere. When this happens, they appear almost everywhere and I can't get away from it! It makes me feel worried. I don't want to say which numbers because I hate even thinking about it. But they appear in sequences on receipts, license plates, everywhere basically.

Interesting. My mind chooses to obsess over the letters more so than the numbers. It sucks and causes major anxiety.

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I'm sorry you are feeling afraid, I have felt similarly. When you said you feel like you aren't human and stuff like that, I have felt like that. I would walk around but I wasn't all there, I was paranoid of everybody, voices were telling me things, I was seeing things too, but I legitimately felt like I wasn't real, that my existence wasn't real. I felt like I was floating and I had no control. However this started before I was diagnosed with bipolar/psychosis/OCD/etc and medicine helped.

Intrusive thoughts do not mean you are bad, I used to think I was a monster because I would have bad thoughts.

I have OCD issues with number and letters, license plates, stuff like that, I don't have a paranoia associated with it, but things have to be in a certain order, numbers are generally very good for me, but I have to remind myself that I cannot spend all my time with my patterns or I will slide too far down from my health. 

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