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I've killed myself for years, learning more than most of the pdocs I've had.  I've suffered.  Lost pieces of myself... that, if I'm honest with myself, I don't believe I'll ever recover.


When I was 12/13, I joined a fandom called JetC.  I was just a kid.  But that group (JetCJr for me) and the show/fandom directed my life.  It was in a good way - I finally had an answer to the "hero" writing question -- thou it lead to a low grade every time.. can't do the basic writing structure when you first have to explain a fictional world/character.

I had something not-negative to aspire to.


But the truth is, it was a dream.  I look back now, and barely recognize the person I was.. how I felt.  It's strange and foreign.  Not because I was younger.. but because I had less damage.


Up until now, I think I had blocked part of that loss out.

Remembering me then vs me now... I really wonder why I'm fighting.

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I have reached the point that I've accepted my illness, and I no longer fight it because that's just using up a whole lot of energy without any results. Instead, I do all that I can to live the best life that I can within the restrictions of my MI and in spite of my MI. It was a tough pill to swallow, accepting my depression, but in the end I think I'm a lot happier or if not happier then a lot more at peace.

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I also no longer fight. I realized I am never going to recover to my former self and now I just live the best I can working around my MI. It hurt at first to let go of the possibility that I could just try harder and then be "normal," I spent some time grieving but I gradually accepted things as they are and have been pleasantly surprised at how satisfied with my life I am now that I'm not trying to get rid of my MI. Yes, I am broken, but this no longer bothers me. There are parts of my life I like and I just focus on that. I know that is easy for me to say, it took me awhile and a great deal of pain to get to this place.

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For me? No, absolutely not. I think accepting that this is it and all existing will ever be, is about as insane as any MI. 

Accepting I have no life worth existing in doesn't seem very rational to me. But accepting a lie isn't either, and making something better out of what I have is impossible. Don't care what anyone says. 

Only you can answer that honestly, because only you know who you are and what you can tolerate and what you believe in etc.

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Not saying accepting that this is all there is ever going to be. I'm saying accepting the fact that I've got an incurable illness and manage it the best I can and live life in spite of it. No way would I accept that my life will stay the way it is. I work every day to make it better. But I cannot make it better if I spend all my energy searching for a cure that doesn't exist.

Edited by jt07
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Well in that sense, yes I have accepted that I have an incurable illness and that expecting myself to be like someone without them, and without the experiences I have had, is setting myself up to fail. 

But the effects of the illnesses, at this time, accepting that is another story, and so is accepting what seems to be a complete lie. 

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God, I know I am going to sound like an old Geezer (in part because I am one) and trust me, I am the LAST person on the planet to sing the joy, happiness, sunshine and rainbow song...because I am by nature an ill-tempered, crabby old lady.

And I have, to a certain degree, accepted that I am mentally ill and my struggles with depression will remain on-going...

So I am going to throw this out as a thought... one which was dismissed by doctors/psychiatrists when I was younger,but I firmly believed in, and was re-inforced when I went through menopause. If you already suffer from depression....dealing with the monthly hormonal onslaught can't help but to make depression much, much worse and possibly lethal. It's akin to throwing lighter fluid on an already raging fire.

After my 3rd suicide attempt...I realized my worst days and the time(s) I tried to kill myself or did REALLY incredibly and dramatically dumb/dangerous things was a specific time before my period started.... All my doctors dismissed it (this was waaaaayyy before the concept of pms).  Later, I actually opted for the much reviled and maligned hormone treatment when I went through the 'change'.

Risky as it may be, I thought it was better than ending up in jail, killing myself or killing someone else--the mood swings and sudden 'rages' out of the blue--terrifying!

Do your best to find a doctor to explore/investigate this with you...it won't stop the depression or make it go away...and I don't know if this can now be helped with medication, but maybe you can chart your mood/swings and be aware that are times/days when you may be more apt to do something harmful.....be it telling your boss to go to hell, break up with or emotionally hurt someone you care about or worse still, try to kill yourself.

I hope and wish the best for you.....

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FWIW to add to desperare's post above:

3 hours ago, Desperare said:

and I don't know if this can now be helped with medication,

It can ... it is call PMDD.



Antidepressants. Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), such as fluoxetine (Prozac, Sarafem, others) and sertraline (Zoloft), may reduce symptoms such as emotional symptoms, fatigue, food cravings and sleep problems. You can reduce symptoms of PMDD by taking SSRIs all month or only in the interval between ovulation and the start of your period.

This article also gives other ways to treat PMDD, but if you decide to go that route (non-medication), I would talk to your DR about those things before trying them.

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I kind of don't want to go into my own hormone issues.  It TMI but if you PM me I'll tell you that disturbing hstory.   Anyhow,,,   I have a daughter who went into violent rages where I had to call  (Or scream for someone else to call) 911 every 28 days.   She was pretty much ok if she was on her meds except for this cycle.  I brought her to her PDoc and explained the timing and level of violence.   Like scars on my arms and hands from getting clawed at kicked, punched etc.   PDoc said that she has two other patients with this problem and put them on birth control (Except its no week off) for months at a time.  The idea was to maintain the estrogen levels.  When she has to take a break I hide all the breakables and myself and things are totally doable.  One of PDocs other patients has to go IP during her break because she goes seriously berzerk.   Anyway I know personally how hormones can totally mess me (And the kid up)  This can mimic a lot of MI issues, cause them or just add to them. 

I hope you will remember that a lot of us think very highly of you Cetkat and pray you find some answers or reasons to get up in the morning.  Whatever is troubling you there are good days ahead.  If you need to vent to someone I'm (And I'm sure others) are around happy to do something to help.

Please don't throw in the towel.  I've felt that way at times.  I turn some of that into Anger which may not be the best way to deal with it but it keeps me from quitting. 

Listen to what your Rice Crispies are telling you!  P.S. would you please get a PDoc license and move the hell closer?  My PDoc is the only guy in this huge system and I fear he is going to have a total brain explosion from dealing with so many patients.

Edited by HAL9000
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  • 4 months later...

I've had to take a break from this, but I appreciate the replies.

As to the hormone thing, it's real, and for me it is a factor.  It's completely additional, but my mental state during those fluctuations does something I've never been able to explain medically.  The closest I can come is in Harry Potter with the dementors.. paraphrasing from memory, "It's like the joy was suddenly sucked out of the room. There was no happiness in life, nor even memories of it, all that was left was the darkness." It's the memory of happy or good feelings that is the key.  No matter how bad my MI, I do have the emotional memory of other feelings and can feel it victoriously, the way an actor would access sadness to cry on cue.  It's not p..


Damn thing just deleted half of what I said.

I don't have the energy on a phone keypad - in short, hormones are serious business, and it fucks with me enough to not allow them to change via depo-provera. 

I don't even dare bring that element of my MI up though.  Took what, 7 years for me to narrow down my MI cause, and another, what, 6? to find someone knowegeable to not only *not* just blow me off, but apply it to the medical bigger picture and say it made perfect fucking sense and I had grasped the issue all along .  But realizing that in layman-case-self-study terms, and backing it up with medical knowledge 90% of pdocs can't even follow with their training and information access.. I can't do that.

As for the subject.. I've come a long way I.  accepting my MI and the limitations it demands, but at the same time, the life I'm left with isn't livable.  The only step forward I can see is to move hell and earth to improve it just enough so that it is.  Even back then, I was horribly depressed, but I  could be MI *AND* live.  It wasn't good, but it was something.  Now even that's gone. And it's not coming back.  It's been a steady, constant downward momentum.  And if hope of ever truely reversing that to the point of it not being emotionally painful when I wake up in the morning; not even good, just neutrally bad emotionally, I'm really thinking continuing to fight for that, and really only that (cause I'm realistic at this point), is just painstakingly stupid.


Not to mention besides all that, it's also actually physically painful every moment I'm conscious now to boot, due to an escalation of the fibromyalgia. But that's a whole other rant I'm having in my head about high long-term doc-ordered NSAID use, bruising, survey bleeding issues, organ detriment, post- surgical refusal to let me go home and just be in pain like always, America's war on any amount of codine to the point of taking away pharmacist's licences for filling 100% legit scripts from licences MD's.. just going over an "approved" government assumed normal filling quota... I kid you not, ... And just...UGH!!

You know I got complimented today on being able make things work?  Like, literally, someone else noticing that I have a trait of taking a hopeless situation and making it magically work by the skin of my ass cheeks (intentional mix of metaphors). I mean, it's true, and on one hand, I'm glad the effort was was noticed... but on the other, I've seen this intern social worker, what.. 6-8 times? Briefly? That really doesn't reflect well on my life's circumstance that she's seen that much evidence of it.  Sometimes I really just think I've gotten so used to living with MI, that I mostly just take the deteriorations in stride, or rather suppression... and I'm just suppressing it from myself now out of basic survival instinct.  But that doesn't make me happy or even remotely ok.


Now I just cry without knowing the reason all the time.  I don't think that's actually good thing.


I also can't help but notice how people's opinions change on these things as their MI waxes and wanes.  Mine has never waned.  I don't even have a basis of comparison for that. It's just steadily gotten worse for the entire span of my life that I have memory of (so, what, the going notion is that's 4yrs old now?).  That's my reference.

For the record, that's not against anyone.. it's a harsh reality I've known about for a long time. That anger/frustration is directed to my own fucked up neurology that can't even be depressed normally and give me a break.

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Liked out of empathy, solidarity.. Relating a lot & generally wanting to show.. Yeah, support. We know firsthand about the nastiness & stigma around anything addictive (on benzos & opiates), and.. While we're wary of it because a pdoc tried ot use it to explain away all our issues (while not knowing half, and discarding the bits that he did know that didn't fit.. So now the concept makes us twitch), hormones can play a major part in things.

We're also at a point of just.. Yeah. Having to accept our MI; There's no magic-bullet med coming, this is just how we are, and how we'll always be, most like. And.. Because we don't want to leave the people who rely on us, we need to learn to.. Just tolerate that as best we can. Chasing fluttering false-hopes for 6 years has been long enough, I think.


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I have not really accepted my MI. Mood-wise, I still remember normal mood up until last May, and another block of it from about mid-November to mid-December (well, up until like two days ago really). I have only recently gained insight into all my negative and disorganized symptoms, and they really have not sunk in yet, but to what extent they have they make me sad for that which I have lost relative to about before 2010. And as for paranoia and hallucinations, they had been gone for many years, only appearing again this late summer through fall, such that they are effectively new to me again. I have hope that much of this will be eliminated some day, except for the negative and disorganized symptoms, which I have no expectation of going away, but for which I am trying to reorganize my life so as to minimize their impact nonetheless. So I am hoping, or at least trying to hope, that things can be better, even as things fall apart again after having gotten better for a short while (latest thing is mood cycling and marked hallucination).

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