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Psychotic depression symptoms?


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I'm curious what psychotic symptoms people experience during depression.

For me, I don't get any hallucinations like I do when manic. Instead, I have two similar delusions. The first is that I am destined to die and I have to kill/hurt myself to follow through on that destiny. The second is that there is an external entity/force that I share a parallel dimension with; it's my executioner, and I negotiate with it in terms of deciding how I will hurt myself. It always wants me to kill myself, but I offer up lesser hurts to delay the inevitable (suicide).

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I have a delusion (which I kind of still hold to be true) that my medication has damaged my brain permanently and the doctors and nurses are poisoning me. I think I'm never going to be the same. It's very scary. I've never been so scared in my entire life.

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One was that I thought people were putting hard drugs in all my food.  So one day I threw everything away that was in my cupboards.  Then bought 10 bottles of the large gatorade bottles which I later thought people were injecting drugs through the bottom then covering the hole up with something.  So I dumped it all out.  Lived on cheetos and large gatorade for a few months.  (I bought one gatorade at a time so no one would drug it).  I thought ice cream was being drugged after I opened it.  Ordered pizza and "found out" they were putting drugs in the cheese, so when they came with the pizza (and the soda I ordered), I gave back the pizza and took the soda.  This was a big one for me.

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I mainly had some auditory hallucinations, and then several delusions. That everything was fake and people were messing with me and it wasn't reality. Also, a bit of a dissociative state where I thought I was dreaming. And then the biggest was thinking people were plotting against me and out to get me and thinking I had special powers, and was secretly an extremely powerful genius.

 

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3 hours ago, lb21001 said:

And then the biggest was thinking people were plotting against me and out to get me and thinking I had special powers, and was secretly an extremely powerful genius.

This ... is almost exactly what my beliefs were, but not always when I was depressed.  The only difference was that I was the most powerful person on earth.  If anything my special powers were that I could communicate to everyone in the world by just thinking to them through the syllables of music (any songs).  So I can understand where you are coming from on that.

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I've had.. A big one that's popped its head up now and then. The others haven't been as affected by it so much thankfully, and it feels like it's easing but.. Still scared of 'going under' again.

Basically it's.. This almost religious level of 'revelation' feeling about the structure of the Universe. That it's all.. Set up, structured, so that we are there to be used & hurt by others. That this is some innate grouping woven into the cosmos, and that we are fundamentally here to be a chewtoy for other people to hurt, and to suffer. That all paths will lead to that, and that any 'good' seeming paths are actually traps set up to get our hopes up, so that our net suffering/hurt will be more at the end. That people who love & care for us don't realise it, but they're being manipulated by this.. Universal Law to either be Traps to hurt me later after building a tight trust with, or are there to keep me 'just stable/hopeful enough' that I don't kill myself and end my role/usefulness to.. Whatever great design put us in that role. So.. Keeping distance from others, not because we think they're Out To Get us, but because.. Creepy-mistrust because they're being used to hurt us and just don't know it.

This came with a kind of.. Revelatory-burst at first, that led to an acceptance of it all as True and that.. The conclusion is to kill myself, as soon as possible. Thankfully partner was around both times.

Having pdoc dismiss this as "depression often makes you feel like things are bad and will never get better" when Tri tried to explain it was extremely annoying.

Tri got one, but I'm not sure if it was really during a Depressive state.. I think it was? But it was that this one flower on our partner's curtains was some key/avatar to a Great Spiritual/Cosmic Truth, and that staring at/meditating on it long enough would somehow unravel the meaning that it was there to convey, to symbolise, to explain.

Whisper

Edited by WinterTidings
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11 hours ago, WinterTidings said:

Having pdoc dismiss this as "depression often makes you feel like things are bad and will never get better"

Never get better? 

If a pdoc said to me I'd never get better, I would be pissed.  It might be true, but for a DR to say it to my face would really bother me.  It would be like doing something truly mean to me (understatement) when I'm already down.

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1 hour ago, melissaw72 said:

Never get better? 

If a pdoc said to me I'd never get better, I would be pissed.  It might be true, but for a DR to say it to my face would really bother me.  It would be like doing something truly mean to me (understatement) when I'm already down.

He was saying that's how depression makes /you/ feel when you're depressed, not that it'd never get better. But what he was really saying was "What you think were delusions were just normal Depression symptoms (because they don't fit my Pet Theory)."

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3 minutes ago, WinterTidings said:

He was saying that's how depression makes /you/ feel when you're depressed, not that it'd never get better. But what he was really saying was "What you think were delusions were just normal Depression symptoms (because they don't fit my Pet Theory)."

Oh, ok.  Thanks for the explanation.  So things have to fit "his pet theory?"  Does that mean he goes basically from what he thinks it should be?  I would think a DR would go based on more than his own theories.

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20 minutes ago, melissaw72 said:

Oh, ok.  Thanks for the explanation.  So things have to fit "his pet theory?"  Does that mean he goes basically from what he thinks it should be?  I would think a DR would go based on more than his own theories.

Oh, he's convinced that trans people with Depression just have a hormone imbalance. His eyes positively lit up when we said we'd tweaked our hormones to a fit we're comfortable with, & he was very dismissive of hypomanic & psychotic symptoms; they don't fit that framework at all well, so out the window they go.

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When deeply depressed or mixed, I get delusional thoughts about the Universe wanting me to die and see signs directing me toward suicide.  I also get delusional thoughts about people close to me being able to read my mind.

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Is it an actual suicidal thought? Kust let it pass. The people that want to aggravate you the most are scum. I usually have delusions of sex triangles or really fucked up unneeded connections to myself. I try to no longer associate myself with my past life. Stay strong.

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