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At the moment, I have stopped smoking weed. Weed is the only reason I haven't been hospitalized for malnutrition. Especially since my brother/bestfriend killed himself in December '15, I have no will to eat. I take a few bites and figure that's enough to stay alive. When I'd smoke in the evening,  I'd eat a large healthy meal that kept me fairly healthy. I only have to get through a month without it. But in this month, I will be losing weight. I've been underweight my entire life but it wasn't until my psychotic break in 2012 where I now am disgusted by food.  Psychologically and physically. (I just had a colonoscopy to see if there's anything physically wrong which came back clean)And I feel sick when I eat. My therapist says I am anorexic, however I DON'T want to be this skinny. I've been trying to gain weight my entire life... I just hate food sooooo much.  It's hard to get yourself to go through the effort of eating when you want to die. So I have 2 questions...

1. Although I don't think I'm fat and actually want to gain weight but can't, am I anorexic?

2.MY MAIN QUESTION: during this month of weight loss, what types of clothing is there for me to wear where I don't look emaciated? It's too hot to double my pants. I thought baggy shirts would be a good idea but that makes it worse.  I hate the "omg you're so skinny, or, have you lost weight?(with disgusted/judgmental face)" comments from people and I don't want to worry my parents. I'll be "fine" in month. Any suggestions? 

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13 minutes ago, empty inside said:

As far as clothes go try wearing something loose but not baggy (if you know what I mean) but if you're not severely underweight you shouldn't get too many comments right? (Or are people just a lot more rude than I think?)

People have made fun of me my whole life for being skinny. I've never been a big eater but it's also hereditary. My mom is really skinny, although she eats well and is very athletic,  and my grandma even tried to get "get fat pills" (as she called them) in high school. 

As a child it was just teasing. Now strangers look at me with disgust, as if I'm doing this on purpose. I get "you're so skinny!" often. I want to tell them that saying that is like telling someone overweight that they're fat. When I say I have trouble gaining weight, they say "just eat more", as if it's that's easy. People who know me well like to tell me that I'm looking skinnier or ask if I've lost weight. I know they are concerned for me but they honestly seem mad at me. Like they're thinking "wtf is your problem? Just eat more". Sometimes I feel happy with my body. I feel healthy, my clothes fit great and then I see my therapist and she says I'm not looking healthy. Its messing with how i see myself. My brother, before he died, had to tell me that I DON'T look like a holocaust victim and that I look healthy, because peoples comments were messing with my head.

However, this month of not smoking is going to be worse. I'm afraid of how much weight I'll lose. Without that giant healthy meal I'd eat each day while high, I just eat the bare minimum to stay alive, and mostly liquids. Its only been a few days and my cheeks have already sunken in significantly. At least, it seems that way to me.

I think I know what kind of pants to wear. My main problem is tops. When I wear loose shirts, I get the most comments about being too thin. But I don't think tight shirts would be good either. I'm thinking now that nothing will hide it. I wish it wasn't so damn hot so I could wear a jacket.

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14 hours ago, Beans said:

Now strangers look at me with disgust, as if I'm doing this on purpose. I get "you're so skinny!" often. I want to tell them that saying that is like telling someone overweight that they're fat. When I say I have trouble gaining weight, they say "just eat more", as if it's that's easy. People who know me well like to tell me that I'm looking skinnier or ask if I've lost weight. I know they are concerned for me but they honestly seem mad at me. Like they're thinking "wtf is your problem? Just eat more". Sometimes I feel happy with my body. I feel healthy, my clothes fit great and then I see my therapist and she says I'm not looking healthy. Its messing with how i see myself. My brother, before he died, had to tell me that I DON'T look like a holocaust victim and that I look healthy, because peoples comments were messing with my head.

I can empathize with this, dealing with this years ago and the looks of disgust when I lost weight.  I did have an eating disorder at the time though.  But the looks and comments really got to me because it wasn't like i chose to be anorexic.  

Have you tried milkshakes, smoothies, ice cream, and stuff like that, that you could just swallow and be ok?  What types of food do you eat regularly when you do eat?

Edited by melissaw72
ETA: empathize. not emphasize. DUH.
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I do not think you are anorexic, that disorder requires you to believe you are fat even when you are deathly skinny, a fear of gaining weight, and such. You do not seem to fall under those categories. http://www.helpguide.org/articles/eating-disorders/anorexia-nervosa.htm

As far as the food disgusting you, that might be an ailment or disorder of some sort, I am no expert at all, but researching that key component may help you identify why food is so gross to you.

I am sorry you deal with this. As far as clothes go, I have no idea, there is no fashion sense in me what so ever. Jeans and hoodies? Just claim that you wear the hoodie to keep the sun off your skin, cause you do not want to develop skin cancer. I do not know if medical MJ is available where you live, but I would seriously think about researching that as well. 

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1 hour ago, melissaw72 said:

Have you tried milkshakes, smoothies, ice cream, and stuff like that, that you could just swallow and be ok?  What types of food do you eat regularly when you do eat?

I have a smoothie everyday. If I could live off smoothies, I would. I can't have ice cream and stuff like that because I'm prediabetic. I try to have at least one solid meal a day so my digestion keeps working, but I usually have that when I'm high.

5 hours ago, BlurredBoundaries said:

I wonder if tops  with ruffles might help?

I could try that. I don't really have any though. Thanks for the suggestion

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56 minutes ago, dancingphantom said:

I do not think you are anorexic, that disorder requires you to believe you are fat even when you are deathly skinny, a fear of gaining weight, and such. You do not seem to fall under those categories. http://www.helpguide.org/articles/eating-disorders/anorexia-nervosa.htm

As far as the food disgusting you, that might be an ailment or disorder of some sort, I am no expert at all, but researching that key component may help you identify why food is so gross to you.

I am sorry you deal with this. As far as clothes go, I have no idea, there is no fashion sense in me what so ever. Jeans and hoodies? Just claim that you wear the hoodie to keep the sun off your skin, cause you do not want to develop skin cancer. I do not know if medical MJ is available where you live, but I would seriously think about researching that as well. 

Well I know getting myself to eat is difficult because I don't want to live, but something changed after my psychotic break where the idea of food grosses me out and sometimes makes me physically sick, healthy or not. I really don't know why.

I've had my medical marijuana license for 10 years now. My problem right now is that I have to take a month break from it because I'll be traveling. Weed is the only reason I haven't been hospitalized for malnutrition because it gets me to eat. Whatever is stopping me while sober completely goes away when I smoke. I don't like having to rely on smoking though. It makes traveling and staying the night away from home very difficult.

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7 hours ago, Beans said:

My problem right now is that I have to take a month break from it because I'll be traveling.

Looking at the big picture, is it worth traveling for a month knowing that you will be worse off than when at home?  Could you maybe cut it down to 1-2 weeks or something?  Then take the rest of the time off while at home and do small day trips or whatever you like to do?

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On ‎7‎/‎15‎/‎2016 at 4:33 AM, melissaw72 said:

Looking at the big picture, is it worth traveling for a month knowing that you will be worse off than when at home?  Could you maybe cut it down to 1-2 weeks or something?  Then take the rest of the time off while at home and do small day trips or whatever you like to do?

My trip is for 2 weeks... which is still way longer than I want it to be. But I need to stop smoking 2 weeks before I leave because I get withdrawals and I don't want to be going through withdrawals in another country. I'm terrified about being gone this long but my doctor gave me a bunch of Ativan to cope. So many people would love to get the chance I'm getting (I'm going to Ireland) but I really don't want to go because I have so many health concerns. I'm kind of being forced into it. It's kind of hard to explain and will take awhile to type out. I'll try to shorten it. ...

The trip is for my teenage cousin, as it's tradition in our family when someone turns 13 (she's doing it late at 15), they get to go anywhere in the world. However, the person with the most traveling experience is her mom (who took me to Egypt when it was my turn) but she doesn't want to go with just her mom. So my mom, my fiancée, and I are going with her. My fiancée, who my cousin is really close to, will most likely never get a chance like this again and Ireland is the country he most wants to visit. My brother killed himself less than a year ago and my mom needs this. If I don't go, my fiancée wont go, which means my mom won't go.. resulting in my cousin never taking her trip. They know I have issues so they said they'll be okay with me staying in the hotel room sleeping whenever I need to.

I'm most terrified of leaving my dad alone for 2 weeks. He's nearly 80, depressed (even before my brother died,, but especially now) and has diabetes that he has trouble regulating. When I tell people I'm going to Ireland, they excitedly ask if I can't wait. When I say I don't really want to go, I can tell people think I'm ungrateful. I try to explain my issues but they don't get it. Don't get me wrong, I want to go to Ireland. But not for 14 days. 5 days is hard enough on me. I was almost hospitalized on my 7 day trip to the east coast last year. On the 5th day we had to cancel all our plans and let me sleep the entire day because I was breaking down physically and psychologically.  I hadn't been sleeping or eating hardly at all (and that was in America where it's easier to find food I'm willing to eat!)

I know I've gone off my original topic and I'm sorry if that's annoying. I just have so much I'm dealing with right now and I have trouble sticking to one problem.

Edited by Beans
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1 hour ago, Beans said:

My trip is for 2 weeks... which is still way longer than I want it to be. But I need to stop smoking 2 weeks before I leave because I get withdrawals and I don't want to be going through withdrawals in another country. I'm terrified about being gone this long but my doctor gave me a bunch of Ativan to cope. So many people would love to get the chance I'm getting (I'm going to Ireland) but I really don't want to go because I have so many health concerns. I'm kind of being forced into it. It's kind of hard to explain and will take awhile to type out. I'll try to shorten it. ...

The trip is for my teenage cousin, as it's tradition in our family when someone turns 13 (she's doing it late at 15), they get to go anywhere in the world. However, the person with the most traveling experience is her mom (who took me to Egypt when it was my turn) but she doesn't want to go with just her mom. So my mom, my fiancée, and I are going with her. My fiancée, who my cousin is really close to, will most likely never get a chance like this again and Ireland is the country he most wants to visit. My brother killed himself less than a year ago and my mom needs this. If I don't go, my fiancée wont go, which means my mom won't go.. resulting in my cousin never taking her trip. They know I have issues so they said they'll be okay with me staying in the hotel room sleeping whenever I need to.

I'm most terrified of leaving my dad alone for 2 weeks. He's nearly 80, depressed (even before my brother died,, but especially now) and has diabetes that he has trouble regulating. When I tell people I'm going to Ireland, they excitedly ask if I can't wait. When I say I don't really want to go, I can tell people think I'm ungrateful. I try to explain my issues but they don't get it. Don't get me wrong, I want to go to Ireland. But not for 14 days. 5 days is hard enough on me. I was almost hospitalized on my 7 day trip to the east coast last year. On the 5th day we had to cancel all our plans and let me sleep the entire day because I was breaking down physically and psychologically.  I hadn't been sleeping or eating hardly at all (and that was in America where it's easier to find food I'm willing to eat!)

I know I've gone off my original topic and I'm sorry if that's annoying. I just have so much I'm dealing with right now and I have trouble sticking to one problem.

I'm sorry you are in such a stressful position, of having to go on this trip!  And I am very sorry for the loss of your brother.

No, it isn't annoying to go off original topic.  It helps to know background information to get more of an idea of what you will be going through.  It isn't just that you can't have the medical marijuana, it is having to deal with being out of the country for  2 weeks (I wouldn't do that I am not on medical marijuana (MMJ) ), going through 2 weeks of withdrawals from it, and then dealing with having to eat without the MJ, as well as one of the most important things (IMO) which is stress.  I'm glad they understand you will most likely need to stay in the hotel room whenever you need to.

Hopefully the ativan will help and that it is a good dose for you to get through the trip.  IME sometimes DRs prescribe small doses which do nothing for me except to just take the edge off ... which doesn't always help.  They don't get it that it is more than they think.  I hope your DR took into consideration all of those things I mentioned in above paragraph when prescribing the Ativan.

Quote

When I say I don't really want to go, I can tell people think I'm ungrateful. I try to explain my issues but they don't get it.

I know this feeling.  I've been through it.  This was my experience, maybe some of it will help:

What I was having to go to I backed out of for various reasons (my sister's wedding).  I felt extremely guilty, but at that time I had a MI that wasn't diagnosed yet, I was severely thin, and was afraid of fainting, (because of being so thin ... it had happened before), and my parents and I were not getting along to such a degree that I was missing out on my sister's day because of it (my father didn't think there was anything wrong with me at all), plus we'd be driving 12 hours down and back, among other things I just could not deal with (being around people in large places, etc), even on my sister's wedding day.  Many people were angry, especially my father, OMG.  I was told I was selfish, thinking only of myself, and everything they could think of to make me feel guilty and at my lowest/bad (for lack of better words) for not going.  But they (everyone) didn't get it ... like with you.  They (parents, sister, fiance, and I'm sure a few more) said all they wanted me to do was sit in the front row, to be there, and every other day/time I could stay in the hotel.  (There are other things that I could get into but I won't).  But you know what ... I know my parents so well that I knew that wouldn't be the case (to stay in the hotel the rest of the time).  If I was in the hotel and not joining in on things, I would have been made to feel very guilty because I was not leaving my hotel room to be with everybody.  I couldn't take that shit, even though they said I didn't have to in the beginning.  And I didn't want to be made to feel guilty over and over and all the shit that would have come with that.  And it was a 1.5 week trip.  (This was in 2000, and everything is fine now between everyone).

 

So it takes a lot of courage and strength to do what you are doing, and I wish you luck.  Will you have computer access while there?

Is there someone who can check on your dad for you and help him out while you are away?

 

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20 hours ago, melissaw72 said:

I know this feeling.  I've been through it.  This was my experience, maybe some of it will help:

It is nice to hear your story and know someone understands. If you couldn't handle your own sisters wedding (assuming you don't hate each other), then you must have been going through a very difficult time! It's sometimes hard for me to understand how others don't get that. Then again, if I can't see their point of view, I guess I should understand how they don't see mine.

20 hours ago, melissaw72 said:

So it takes a lot of courage and strength to do what you are doing, and I wish you luck.  Will you have computer access while there?

Thank you :) I think the places we are staying at have WiFi but I'm not positive. I'm not yet sure how the cell phone (my computer) situation is going to work there. Hopefully I can get online because I'll need something to do if/when I stay back at the hotel.

 

21 hours ago, melissaw72 said:

Is there someone who can check on your dad for you and help him out while you are away?

I have some family and neighbors who said they'll stop by. I was hoping my dad's brother would stay at our house like he did the first week after my brothers death but he's going through his own issues right now so I don't think that's happening. We're going to try to Skype him, except he doesn't even know how to turn the computer on lol He struggles even when I write very thorough directions.

I know I did the quote thing wrong. I'm not sure how the "multi-quote" button works or if that's even what I was supposed to be using (and I just noticed it AFTER typing this all out). I'm new to the site and not great with technology, for my age lol (I'm 27).

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No, my sister and I don't hate each other, and didn't back then either.  You're right, I was going through a very hard time. 

(If the wedding had been local though I would have gone because I would have been close to home if something happened, and not have to deal with people telling me to come to this or that, like I would have been had I been in the hotel room.  I would have had more space.  Being in the hotel room I would have been told very angrily, "This is you're sister's wedding ... " and be pretty much forced out of the room, no matter what they said in the beginning how I didn't have to.  And if I fought it so I ended up not leaving, I'd just get the backlash later on when they got back.  Like the cold shoulder type-thing (and yes, he is a grown-up and gives the cold shoulder until you start acting like nothing had happened.  Or be told, "Now aren't you glad that ..."  But the thing is, is that what if I'd fainted?  I'd be in trouble for that too, saying I ruined my sister's wedding.  So it was a total no-win situation).

--sorry for the tangent--

Anyway, I could see parents' own point of view (ie it is my sister's wedding, I should be there, etc).  But because they couldn't see mine it became a nightmare.

1 hour ago, Beans said:

I know I did the quote thing wrong. I'm not sure how the "multi-quote" button works or if that's even what I was supposed to be using (and I just noticed it AFTER typing this all out). I'm new to the site and not great with technology, for my age lol (I'm 27).

You did perfectly fine with the quote button!  No need to worry!  I don't use the multi-quote button because I haven't needed to.  I usually highlight what I want to quote, then this black thing comes up saying 'Quote this' and I click on that and the highlighted stuff gets quoted.

 

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Thats interesting.  When I'm down in the dumps or having a lot of anxiety food sort of grosses me out also.  I never heard of the "Munchies" being a treatment tho.  I don't think smoking anything would have a positive effect on me.  My lungs are scar covered from pneumonia when I was having it every other year. 

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  • 1 month later...

I'm bipolar, and when I was manic I had zero appetite. I finally landed on eating as dense, caloric things as I could - I'd eat big power bars in as few bites as possible, same for nuts, full fat milk. It was a drag but it was basically like anything else - I considered them almost the same as taking meds.. I.e., maybe there's something other than weed that could work for allowing you to take in more calories? (For the next month and maybe that'd help even when you can have that once a day big appetite-driven meal, too.) Nuts and power bars pack easily in a suitcase, too.

(My own ED was bingeing so it's weird to be in this position! Been a long time to get all this body image/health sorted out.)

(Also - wow, you're going through a lot. My best wishes!!)

Ruffles seems like a good possible solution. Some brands like Free People have some hippie-ish/stylish tops and dresses.

Edited by Lizzie
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