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When I was 5 and younger my father sexually abused my two older sisters. I was forced to watch as well as get naked on occasion. I can not remember if I was further involved or not. He would do awful things to them. He would hit me and yell at me if I turned away or wanted to go do something else. The harder part of these fragmented memories of the abuse is that I did not try to stop it or say something to mom. I just accepted it, watched it, and obeyed. I feel guilty and responsible. I have not asked for forgiveness because I do not really know how to approach the question. I have fear around the whole thing, I remember my dad yelling at me and throwing my naked sister around the room, we were both crying. These images sometimes resurface for no reason and they make me feel incredibly disgusting inside as well as extremely guilty. 

My father also put my mom through a door and used to abuse her in front of us as well. The other things he would do is try to scare us every moment he could, by creeping up behind us and staring at us until we turned around then would make a loud noise while making a scary face. He did that to us constantly. I remember when we left, I was 5, my father came out to the car and started punching my mom in the face, chest and arm. That scared me too. 

Two doctors who have interviewed me say I have experienced trauma, two group therapy counsellors who have both asked me, after speaking of other topics about my dad, if I believe that I have been traumatized by him. I would have to say yes, but I do not really see the impact now. I do have trouble being confident around men, especially alpha male types. Not only do they intentionally attempt to be intimidating they are usually bigger than me.  I have not thought to aim that blame at my abusive, bullying, pedofile father. I have always thought my issue with males was the fact I am only 5ft 7inches tall. 

One doc said I may be experiencing some PTSD symptoms but not the full gambit. I am looking for advice; should I pursue the diagnosis and if so should I tell my sisters? I fear that it will not be received well by them because I was not the one being actively sexually abused. They had it far worse. I have schizoaffective bipolar disorder as well as ADHD, so my world is already hard and fucked up. Should I go ahead and open up this box of shit also?

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If the images are resurfacing for no reason at times and making you feel disgusting and guilty, it seems like the box of shit has already been opened, whether voluntarily or involuntarily, no?  With the right person, opening it in small, appropriate doses could help that go away.

My brain isn't up to snuff to say more right now, but I wanted to throw out that piece.  The question of how to go about it/whether to tell your sisters/etc isn't something I can really talk about with my current lack of functioning.  But I did want to suggest that it pretty much already is on the table, so it's more a question of how you want to deal with it. 

Please try not to minimize the horror you went through also.  Witnessing abuse is awful, regardless of type, and you saw more than your fair share of it (not that anyone should see any) when you were younger. 

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On 7/15/2016 at 8:21 PM, dancesintherain said:

Please try not to minimize the horror you went through also.  Witnessing abuse is awful, regardless of type, and you saw more than your fair share of it (not that anyone should see any) when you were younger. 

Thank you

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  • 3 weeks later...

This is terrible and there is something evil about a father who not only raped his daughters but tried to infect his son with his evil by forcing him to watch. 

I am sorry that you went through this and talking about it will get you on the road to healing.

 

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I think the box of shit is opening whether you like it or not. That's how trauma works. It doesn't check in and make sure you're in a good enough mind set to deal with it. Unfortunately it's an inconsiderate Bastard like that. 

 

Im so sorry that your father did this to you and your sisters. It must have been incredibly traumatic for you. 

 

My father would make my little brother watch him abuse me sometimes. I felt so sorry for him. None of what happened was your fault. I think it's a brave decision to even consider dealing with this on top of everything else 

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