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11 years and I still don't know what's wrong with me.


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11 years of medication and therapy. Sure, I have a better idea of what's wrong with me and I function a lot better than I did in my teens.

But I'm still largely nonfunctional. I'm 25 atm.

When I was 13 it was obvious I had not survived my neglectful childhood unscathed, and was sent to therapy and eventually a psychiatrist.

Was diagnosed as depressive bipolar (type 2), social phobia, high functioning autism, bpd.

None of the meds they ever chucked at me helped. At all. They usually made things worse.

Social phobia consumed most of my teen years and was able to break out of that hell on my own in my late teens.

Still dealing with the anxiety, but it's better than the all-consuming paranoia and terror that was every single social interaction.

Depression got worse and worse over my life. Attempted suicide a lot. Was in an in-patient at least twice a year; at one point I was institutionalized in a facility for 3 months.

In my early 20s I began to hallucinate. Great. Exactly what I wanted. Turns out the anti psychotics I was on for bipolar was, gasp, making me psychotic.

Stopped taking those. All Anti-psychotics did was make my anhedonia as thick as tar and I had never found an anti depressant that did anything but contribute to said anhedonia.

At 22 I met a fantastic gal as crazy as me, but also crazy-compatible. Moved out of my parent's basement to the other side of the continent to get an apartment with her.

After moving out of parent's place and in with her, mental health started improving. There was a period of rough months the first year where she had to deal with me being suicidal, but i'm still kicking.

I feel a lot better. But there's still something wrong with me. I quit meds when I moved out here. I honestly feel better without them, even if my life is a constant swing between hypomania and deppression.

I'm still agoraphobic. My girl noticed something the doctors didn't -- I have c-PTSD real bad, she does as well. When she pointed it out to me I've been able to identify my flashbacks and my mood has been a lot more stable as a result.

But there's still something wrong with me.

Go to the psychatrist for the first time in years. Tell him my entire life history. He stops me and says, if none of the medication for bipolar disorder and depression have ever helped me but I "need caffiene" to function, you don't sound bipolar.

He said that I sound more like GAD + ADHD + PTSD, which can mimic bipolar. He said he wanted to try me on medications that they can't give BP people because it can induce mania.

Huh. He put me on Buspar. Buspar is the first medication that fucking did anything positive for me. It says it takes two weeks to work at all but I literally felt better after the first dose.

It was some magical narnia bullshit. I felt blissfully normal. For the first time in my life. My girl was amazed with it too, really relieved I found something.

It worked for a while on the low dose he gave me, a few days. But now it's making me hypomanic as hell. I have horrible insomnia. It's why I'm writing this right now, can't sleep.

I had a really bad day the other day, I felt out of my mind from the lack of sleep and hypomania. My anxiety is getting /worse/.

If buspar worked and then stopped working and made me manic, like, fuck, am I actually bipolar?

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I just want to feel chemically normal.

My life really got a lot better when I moved out here with my girl but I just... wish I could function. I'm agrophobic and depressive and drenched in 24/7 anxiety.

It's been 11 years of dozens of medications. I just want something to work.

Edited by lich
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I don't think psychiatry works with a definitive diagnose.

I can tell the same story over and over and each and every time I noticed that if I only change my emphasis based on my concerns on current symptoms, the diagnose will also change.

From it I took that it's better to find a PDOC that I feel comfortable with and stick with the same PDOC the most that I can, because even with the same diagnose, unfortunately after a while some changes are needed. (doses, different meds...).

My advice:

Trying to find what's wrong can be endless.

Focus on life.

Find support so you can manage your symptoms. 

Medication is a form of support but you can't trust it to do all the work because it won't.

 

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For what it's worth Buspar worked really well for me at first but caused me to have sleep issues after a couple weeks. It did not induce hypomania but because of the sleep issues I became agitated, restless, and spacey which increased my anxiety.

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