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i am an ice queen in the therapists office


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i'm pretty depressed right now, and i am seeing a psychiatrist through my college, who is treating me for add and insomnia. (adderall xr and ambien.) for some reason, i have no trouble talking with her about insomnia, but i am unable to tell her i am depressed...i think because saying it aloud is like admitting i failed (i just transferred from one college to another, and the transition hasn't been great socially.) i did manage to tell my last psychiatrist that i was depressed (and this was only after my friend and i had gotten high, drank, and done some vicodin at which point i broke down; the combo of the three was bad for some reason and i called her at 4 am and left her a message that i was depressed.) then i took celexa for three months, which didn't really touch my depression but definitely fucked with my inhibitions. i remember doing things during those three months that i wouldn't do now, like going on drunken hikes to find interesting places to pee outside. of course, bipolar disorder was suggested by my old doctor because of my disinhibition, but neither of us were convinced. and trust me...if i don't have the cojones to bring up depression, it'll be a cold day in hell before i broach the topic of bipolar disorder.

sorry for the long ramble. what i am really wondering is whether any of you out there have the same gigantic pride block in talking to your therapists? and what do you do about it?

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I'm always shy of posting, but I feel/felt the same as you do.

It took me years to admit to my mother that I thought I might not be okay.  Another four years to admit it to a close friend, and then a major academic crisis a few months later finally got me into a counselor's office muttering, "I think I'm depressed."  If you're not familiar with my diagnosis of bipolar II, it's mostly depressive.

I do have a gigantic pride block, whether it's admitting that I'm having a hard time to my mother or telling my psych that I've had another episode.  The only time I don't feel like I'm admitting failure is when I'm posting here. 

Do I have any useful advice?  I'm not sure.  All I know is that it became ever so slightly easier once I finally mentioned it.  If you can't say the "d-word"  (eep) then maybe you can just list some symptoms and hope that the therapist has the insight to tell you're depressed.  Or, as someone once suggested to me, print out your posts here and just hand them to your therapist.  Sometimes it's easier to write it down than to say it.

Good luck to you, and remember what they say about the first step!

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I had, and still have, a massive pride block. I spent my teens being severely depressed and suicidal and just didn't see a GP or take the meds I was prescribed on the rare occasion that a relative forced me to. I wish I had, because eventually the illness progressed into pyschosis, I was hospitalised, have had to leave college, and have borderline personality disorder. Part me wishes that I had spoke up before, and maybe some of this could have prevented.

The way I see it, a therapist is the one person I could tell who:

1) would keep it totally confidential and private from the world

2) would not be 'disappointed' or 'let down' because they don't have a personal relationship with me

3) would be most qualified and understand the most about it, and be least likely to misunderstand or judge me

Maybe the problem is not your admitting it to your therapist, but to yourself. If you keep it unsaid, you suffer more, longer, with the depression and with the pain of perpetuating the depression by leaving it untreated and untalked about. If you speak out, you only suffer more, but for a such a short period of time. It's like ripping of a plaster rather than peeling it back and putting it back on, and peeling it off, putting it back on etc etc. Depression isn't a character flaw, it can be a chemical thing. Just because you've found a few medications unsuitable it doesn't mean that you're some sort of emotionally weak person who needs to pull themself together. Don't lose hope.

What's scary about depression is that we may have to live like this forever. But in reality nothing stays the same forever, and talking about it makes finding a medication or a treatment to cure you far more possible.

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Heya maybetinymaybesad,

For me the pride/embarrassment issue is sexual.

I'm turning redredred just posting this.

Haven't had the guts or whatever to tell him I've had weird "hypersexual" thoughts when mixed/manic.  And *can't be bothered* having sex whe I'm depressed.

**Never mind** the pride/face issue around me being a psych patient when I'm already a freaking doctor.

So I hear you.

I've managed to berate myself into bringing up *everything* (besids the sex stuff, ok I grew up Catholic, whaddaya want) with my psychiatrist *so far.*

--ncc--

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maybetiny,

if you can't bring yourself to mention your depression to your pdoc, maybe you could print out your post and have her read it? Oft suggested here and sometimes the only way some people can "tell" their tdoc/pdoc what they are really feeling. Leaving depression go untreated sucks worse.

ncc, et al., I know you know this but ... if you don't tell your pdoc what's really going on how is pdoc gonna know? I always get hypersexual when I get hypomanic. I have told my pdoc over and over again that when I start to get manicy I am always irritable and always hypersexual. Hey, hypersexual is really common, you aren't telling your pdoc anything new, really.

and also unsolicited advice to all, bit your lower lip and tell your docs about any sexual side effects you may have due to any of your medications. Pdocs need to know, you do not need to suffer in silence, AND there are some docs who may themselves feel too embarrased to bring up the topic of sex or they may not want their patients to feel uncomfortable by bringing up the topic themselves. Sexual side effects are just another side effect, one that I personally do not like, but a side effect all the same and docs need to know what, if any, side effects any of us have to endure.

Back to the topic ...

Erika

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