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Help.  I don't know how to make it out of this, other than forcing one foot in front of the other each day.  It's like slogging through molasses in January, which even in my local area is a cold month.

what confuses me the most (past the talking walls, but I'm going to label that a hallucination and try to forget half of what happened and move on) is this damn mood stuff.  I know--bipolar is a mood disorder.  And I only just had enough crazy symptoms to definitively have the diagnosis, despite long-held suspicions that I didn't fully acknowledge.  But my mood is literally all over the board and I think the board has also swallowed one of those growth pills from Alice in Wonderland because the territory of mood options keeps expanding.

stable isn't that hard of a concept.  It really isn't.  But how for fucks sake am I supposed to get there.  I don't even know what I'm going through, much less how to improve it.  My mood was fine--probably even elevated since fine isn't really an emotional state--this afternoon when I got the various pieces of good news about getting into PHP and probably getting short term disability.  Yet I've spent the evening swallowing meds at 7 in order to hopefully be asleep ASAP because I can't put up with it anymore.  I was probably on cloud 9 and now I'm close to helplessness.   All of that's in a day and it's not atypical.  But I've never been diagnosed rapid cycling and if I'm honest, it feels like one messy mood state that has variability rather than bouncing through different ones.

 

dysphoric hypomania?  Mildly mixed?  Agitated depression?

 

i know it's not supposed to matter, but it does.  The last pdoc I asked (while IP) said manic, but if this is manic, than someone really fucked up.

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So this is what i've always told other people here and what I've tried to tell myself.  Add in the fact that it's labeling a mood state within a mood disorder. 

But the problem is:

1) I really don't feel like I'm doing better in the slightest

2) Because I don't understand what I'm working with, I don't know how to trust that I'm taking the steps to recover appropriate

3) for some unknown reason, it matters.  I think in part b/c the bipolar piece itself threw me so off-kilter, that I need something else to latch onto instead, and this seems like a reasonable thing to latch onto. 

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I can't totally understand the desire to have a label, but what I'm saying is that there isn't simply one label that's right. Different doctors will likely analyze your case differently, especially if it's kind of ambiguous. Usually I just pick the label that I personally agree with most and stick with that. From what I understand, dysphoric manias and mixed manias are the same thing, and agitated depression is very similar to a mixed diagnosis. So I think they probably are all the same thing. 

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I had a manic episode where my IP docs disagreed with my OP doc, and my therapist disagreed with them all. The IP docs and my therapist said I was mixed, my OP doc said I was just manic. IP docs thought I had psychosis, OP doc and therapist didn't (she now acknowledges that I had hallucinations). It was so complicated and no one was coordinating with one another. After a certain point you just have to say... you guys just don't know, do you?

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