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I feel as though I'm nearing the end, after more than three decades, I have very little left, in short, in all the ways that matter, I'm already dead. Bringing this to an end would simply be going through the motions. My daughter 10 year old daughter, Lily, is my only tether. Hurting her, was, not long ago, not an option. However, I find myself becoming more accepting of the idea of her living without a father, i.e. committing suicide despite the effect it will have on her. With just about any other disease, there  comes an end stage, yet, I've searched end stage depression with few results. The final stage is usually defined as acceptance. Yet, depression can and is every bit as lethal as cancer, or any number of other diseases classified as terminal. There's a scene from the second season of the The Leftovers - Patty, a deceased character, is stalking Kevin, her killer - following a suicide attempt, she taunts him by saying he wouldn't have made an attempt on his life if he loves his family, she states something to the effect of "some people attempt suicide for attention, while others, really wanna fucking die." In the past few weeks, I've spent hours driving back and forth over the Piscataqua River Bridge, its 150 foot high deck connects Maine and New Hampshire. I've stopped on two occasions to look over the side - I put my hood up to feign car trouble. There have been several fatal jumps over the years. It's an exceptionally beautiful view at dawn and dusk.

The scene - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5jaQF48jJM

I really want to fucking die. I don't know why I'm writing this, or the intended result, but I felt compelled to say something. The medical community is perpetrating a huge disservice by not describing the end stages of a mental illness, what to look for, and how to best treat it. I think part of the reason is, they don't know how.

I wish you all the best

 

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I'm sorry you're having a crap time but death is not the answer. It just isn't. Your daughter will miss you dearly and this will cause irreparable damage to her if you were to go.

Please get help. You're not in a right state of mind. Call a suicide hotline before you do anything, call your doctor.

Death is not the solution.

I sent you a friend request on facebook. I'm not very good at talking but I will try what I can if you wish to accept. Stay with us.

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Don't do it! For God's sake think of that 10 year old little girl who would be without a father. It's not only the fact that she will not have a father that will hurt her, but the shock and trauma of being told that her dad is dead. That will scar her for life.

There is no end stage depression. There is depressed and not depressed. You are just tired of the depression. That's not end stage. Yes, depression can be lethal like cancer but it still doesn't have an end stage.

I get it. You are tired of the pain and the weight of depression, and you want it to end. The right treatment can do wonders. If your list of meds in your signature is up to date, there are better combinations out there. I was depressed for most of my life until I found the right cocktail which really does work. If it happend for me, it can happen for you. Just don't  give up.l

It is often said around here but it is so true that depression is a liar. Depression IS a liar. It has lied to you to tell you that your daughter would be OK without you. It has lied to you to tell you that there is an end stage. It is lying to you by telling you there is not other option than suicide. It is lying to you by telling you that the pain will last forever. Nothing what depression tells you is true so, please, don't believe it.

Edited by jt07
Once again, because English is just too damn hard.
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Everything said in above posts covers about all of what my thoughts are too.

Do you have a psychiatrist that you can call?  A therapist?   Maybe you need a med change/tweak?

Definitely call someone who can help you.  Because you are taking meds I am assuming there is a DR who is prescribing them. Please call that person and tell them how you are feeling (like what you in the first post, or even print it out). 

Please don't hurt yourself.  Your daughter needs you and you deserve to live!

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I have felt the way you are many, many times. However, the feeling is always fleeting, the depression always subsides, and the pain lessens.

Please think about Lily; you will hurt her deeply. When I was suicidal, I couldn't stop thinking of the pain I would pour on my family. Transferring the suffering to them made me realize that suicide is now off the table, not an option any more. I suck it up for them-fuck you depression, you won't win.

My thoughts and prayers are with you!

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I would wholeheartedly agree with jt07.  There is no end stage and depression lies.

I've been there and relatively recently.  I was at the point of counting the pills I have and looking up whether I had a high enough dose to kill myself.  But I sought help first and after a moderately lengthy hospital stay and some medication changes I can say that I don't feel suicidal anymore.  Not to say it doesn't cross my mind from time to time but the thoughts no longer have power over me and I'm getting functional again.  The medication change really helped, and funny enough it was anti-anxiety medication that made the difference because the anxiety was what was pushing me over the edge and making the depression unbearable. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

My mom died when I was 15 and my life has never been the same. 29 years later I can hardly talk about it.  I know how you feel. I feel like that often and currently. Like someone suggested a med review may be in order.

Edited by Micho
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