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g*ddamnfucking urges (and can we talk about...)


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Hi.

Just venting.

It's annoying as fuck and also totally understandable that there would be a resurgence in self harm thoughts because I'm going through MAJOR life upheaval moving from the west coast to the east coast because my partner got his dream job.

I know that if I watch the urges long enough they will go down. And the later in the day the more difficult it is for me to just sit on it and carry out my promise to myself to not act.

FUCK I'm annoyed.

 

So and, I'm feeling a little more brave here than in therapy apparently.

Can we talk about sexual self harm urges? Anybody else get these? I hate having a vagina when it feels like this because ANY twingey or even slightly weird sensation gets interpreted by my brain as "OH SHIT!!!!!" (translation: the assault is happening again). Some of the urges I get are to just create a really long lasting alternate sensation (aka painful) and I know that would not help at all. So I try to sublimate it into other thoughts. Those turn into other, less potentially damaging self harm thoughts. 

 

Definitely NOT allowed to act on self harm thoughts right after I get done with therapy and feel all stirred up.

Damn it.

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Aw, Woo, you're going through some major shit right now. It's totally understandable that you have urges to self harm. The important thing (and yes you obviously know this, but I'll second the motion) is that you don't act on them. Good on you for not giving in. Keep your head up, and remember that this will pass! :)

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Sorry to hear this woo. I've been struggling with self harm urges too lately. Blah. 

I'm very glad you have distraction ideas and treat ideas (sushi!!) I hope you ordered yourself a huge helping of sushi! You definitely deserve it. What's your favorite kind? I tend to like the spicy tuna rolls! But I'm not picky. :D I'll take any kind. Soooo tasty! Do you have one of those all you can eat sushi restaurants near you? We do...and husband and I eat a lot. We never leave there hungry, that's for sure!

You are so worth it woo. Stay safe. Take it minute by minute if you need to. Keep posting, if that helps too. Sending calming and gentle thoughts. 

Btw, I love Archer! (I just noticed your signature pic) My husband introduced me to it. Such a good and funny distraction show to watch. Maybe you can catch an episode of that and have a laugh or two hopefully?

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I'm finishing up Brooklyn Nine Nine at the moment, Cheese. Archer is always a good one for distraction though because it's just so damn inappropriate.

Never been to an all you can eat sushi place, though I have been to a couple of conveyor belt places.

I am about to be massively full of sushi. 

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Massive amounts of sushi were consumed.

Night time meds taken.

Cats fed.

Dog pottied.

Unpleasantly full.

Aaaaand can't lay down because stupid intrusive body sensations get worse. Maybe I need more pillows to prop me up so I can fall asleep sitting up. It's not better, but it's less bad.

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There is a really good all-you-can-eat sushi place in a nearby suburb, and I owe my friend K. for watching my dogs, and she owes me for watching her cats, and I sense that soon they will rue their business model. Imminent ruage.

There's also an Archer marathon on. If you want you can come over and we can get shitty drunk and yell obscenities at the TV and feed the dogs popcorn. Joe can catch popcorn on the fly like a parkour runner.

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12 hours ago, Wooster said:

Heh. Does it still count as "eating my feelings" if it's sushi?

Yes, but you have my permission! ;)

9 hours ago, Wooster said:

It's not better, but it's less bad.

Less bad is good! I hope it's actually better soon.

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9 hours ago, Wooster said:

Massive amounts of sushi were consumed.

Night time meds taken.

Cats fed.

Dog pottied.

Unpleasantly full.

Aaaaand can't lay down because stupid intrusive body sensations get worse. Maybe I need more pillows to prop me up so I can fall asleep sitting up. It's not better, but it's less bad.

I hope the night meds helped you get at least some sleep. Sleep or at minimum resting can sometimes help me kinda "reset" my brain for a while. I think the pillow idea is a good one too. 

I hope the you feeling less bad trend continues into this morning. Take care woo. 

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It took a while to get to sleep. Mostly I slept well because I used one of my clonazepam stash.

i also let myself sleep in. Somehow 6am has become "sleeping in". In what crazy alternate universe have I become a mostly responsible adult???

thanks for the encouragement and kindness.

what makes it harder to talk about sexual self harm urges than regular ones?

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Here's hoping you managed to get some sleep (sitting up) and that it helped hit the reset button. Good on you for working so hard at distractions and being so patient, knowing the urges will abate eventually. Thinking of you.

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