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Hi, I am new here

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I'm currently 18 years old and my live is a complete mess and I am very sick. My physical, social, and mental health are totally out of balance. I have no friends or social contacts outside of my immediate family and a few acquaintances on the internet. For quite a while now I have felt that the whole world is against me, been very fearful of people and extremely paranoid. I have hardly left my home in the last year unless it was necessary. Being completely unable to function in a regular school, I have been doing independant study for the last couple years to get my diploma. I cannot bare the thought of going back to regular school and being around other people (especially teenagers) at this time, and frankly, I would rather die than be forced to do that. Thank god I have this independant study option for now.

I come from a long line of bi-polar and uni-polar depressives. My great-grandpa got Electric-Shock-Therapy and most of my family members have been on long-term drug therapy for many years. This illness is no joke. At age 14 my brain was starting to become naturally depressed so I went to my doctor and got an SSRI and did "talk therapy". This worked to an certain extent for a while, but I got tired of the anorgasmia and hazy feeling from paxil, so I weaned off of it. Then I got EXTREMELY pissed off, depressed, punched a hole in the wall etc. This went on for a couple months until through my research on the internet, I discovered an over-the-counter antidepressant agent called 5-htp, which I started taking and it worked beautifully for me in curing my problem and helping me feel better. See my thread on 5-htp for details about that .

So for a couple years I did well enough with my self-treatment with 5-htp, but then, after 2 years the 5-htp lost some effectiveness. I never have really benefited very much from "talk therapists". One reason for this is that I believe, since they are being payed to sit the and talk to me and be my friend and so forth, that this means that they truly do not give a fuck about me or my problems. At the moment with my current experiences I have little respect for or trust in psychiatrists and therapists. However, because the 5-htp stopped working, I have, out of desperation, been forced to seek medical help through psychiatrists (who I view as my enemies).

My first experience was extremely negative and I left the office feeling MUCH worse than before I went. The bitch rolled her eyes and sort of smirked when I mentioned my self-treatment with 5-htp, and she basically did nothing through the whole session but try to shove drugs down my throat. There was no negotiation, no sense of working as a team for me to get better, and no respect for me and my thoughts and feelings on her part. My current psychiatrist is a bit better, but not much. When I mentioned 5-htp, he had never heard of it but he wasn't nearly as rude as the last. I view him as neutral at best (in contrast to a friend or enemy). The drugs I have been given so far have not helped very much. I do not want any "friend" to help me if they are getting paid or have some other agenda, because that would be a conflict of interest. These and other experiences have led me to view the world in a very negative way.

So with my natural brain chemical inbalance, together with these negative experiences and paranoia, I currently have not 1 friend in the world or a single person I feel I can truly trust so I feel very very alone. Even writing this information was very difficult because I dont know whether the people on here, are my friends or my enemies. So since the world seems to be against me, I don't understand why I am still even alive, and with my current mentally detiorated state I don't know if I will be living much longer unless some kind of miracle happens.....

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I just wanted to say welcome Crazykid. You are in a place where you are not alone. No one here will ever be your enemy. We are just like you. You have been through a lot in your 18 years.

This is the place you can come unload, share, ask questions, whatever. If you just want to look around, that's fine. Just know you are welcome.

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Heya Crazykid,

Welcome to the boards.

I hope you find us helpful.  I know I did when I first started hanging around here.

I felt the same kind of mistrust, for diferent reasons -- as an MD, I thought that I should either keep that under wraps or be prepared for everyone to hate me.

But they've accepted me as a fellow wacko, MD or not.

We're here for you.


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