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it hurts to exist


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Do you ever hit the point where it just plain hurts to exist?  Not physically hurts, though sometimes that gets added in.  But cognitively/mentally/emotionally hurts too much?  I feel like that's where I've landed today and I have no clue why.  I know I left the PHP early because I was too exhausted to stay awake and I know I'm frustrated because I don't know if it's 1) due to changing latuda to the morning, 2) due to something with gabapentin not working, or 3) due to me just not sleeping anyway (six segments of sleep, all of which were two hours or less, for a total of 8 hours).  And that frustration gets added to by the fact that unless it's (3) only, I'm going to experience it all again. 

I think the fatalist side of me is coming out...the sense that it's just plain never get better...it's been over a month since I've had a good night's sleep, other than I think I may have slept through one or two nights out of my six day IP stay.  I'm not going back IP just because I can't sleep.  I am making sure to take taxis or uber because I don't feel safe driving given how tired I am.  But I won't go IP solely because my sleep remains royally fucked up.  I'm also frustrated that the prescription was 100 mg of gabapentin when falling asleep and another 100mg if I wake up.  As I told the nurse during check-in for PHP, I highly doubt that meant an extra 100mg of gabapentin every time I woke up, when I woke up five times.  It's also not helped by this brief discussion of me dealing "predominantly with anxiety."  I just wanted to say something like "you realize I want to be dead, right?" but I was concerned that would sound like an overexaggeration--or alternatively, if it was taken seriously, I'd end up back IP.

Which is where I've landed...it just hurts too much to exist, but I know I'm not going to do anything about it.  It's going to sound conceited, but I care too much about others who love me to bother acting on the fact that it hurts too much to exist.  But I don't feel like it's fair to continue to ask this from me.  I'm tired of playing this game and not feeling better.  I'm tired by the fact that I had a good weekend and yet today I'm at the bottom of the pit of despair again.  It's almost like as I start to get better, I end up feeling worse, and that makes no sense unless I'm doing this to myself. 

I'm not sure there's really much of a question in there and maybe this should have been a blog.  But I'd rather get anyone who wants to provide it's feedback than keep it private.  I think my question is the first one I ask.  But I'm open to other thoughts and ideas also.  Just don't ask too much from me.  I feel like I've already been asked enough this time around. 

 

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I can verymuch relate to this. We feel this way a whole lot. Existing is like pulling ourselves through a razorwire briar patch, and we're just.. Not-dying because of the hurt it would cause others.

Can't go IP. Psych practically mocked the suggestion when we brought it up. But he was a jerkass in a lot of ways, and we're going hunting for his job. ¬_¬ But.. Generally very hard to get IP over here. And I've heard mostly bad stories of what it's like, and what I've seen from visitng.. I dunno if it'd do us even more harm. But currently feels like no one takes our situation seriously apart from close ppl, who have no authority/say in what happens.

Whisper

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Thanks Whisper.  It took me a bit of time to get through your reply because of my current reading skills (my fault, not you).  I am sorry you are in a similar position...I wish it were not the case because I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but I do appreciate knowing I'm not currently the only one stuck in this hell. 

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I feel a similar sense of empathy/appreciation of knowing. For what it's worth I've met.. A fair few people over the years who've professed feeling that way, especially during depressive states, but often just.. In general. I know our partner and at least one friend feel likewise.

Whisper

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Thanks Whisper, lifequake, and aura.  I think I'm bringing a copy of what's above (probably minus the whole questioning the anxiety piece) to PHP tomorrow.  Our symptom assessment sheet we fill out always includes a question related to thoughts of harming yourself and I always answer no because, well, I never do.  Even at my worst thus far.  I think this time I might answer "see attached when you have time, which I realize is probably not now" or something like that. 

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I can relate.

I feel at that point right now, I was just sitting on my couch reading a book thinking to myself I feel depressed, no, it's not depressed, it's despondent, despair. As far as emotional pain it's been ten times what I feel these days. But I do feel hopeless. I feel like everyone I've ever known or lent my however flawed friendship to has moved on, I guess I let that happen. I comiserate with the insomnia, been through it for periods of time I thought weren't possible, it's hell. My sleep cycle has currently reversed it's self for the first time since a good ways back into my 20's. First I started sleeping in late, again for the first time since nearly just as long, now within the past week I've become noctornal and waking up mid afternoon. I don't know, I feel like, I guess what keeps me going other than trying to keep busy is knowing that I've survived the living hell I've been through. This too shall pass I suppose.

 

My existence is and has been painful as well. I take some comfort in reading posts by people describing things I can relate to here and there. Feel I'm not the only one. I try not to live in the past but the moment, though I feel like everytime I've tried anything in life I've fallen flat back on my face. There are times when I want more than anything to find that I've awoken from a coma of some sort and perhaps not even as much time has elapsed....it was all a bizarre dream. But, it's not going to happen, I just get through each day and then on to the next, I have a cat around as ornery as he can be, I grow produce on my porch, I cook sometimes. As lonely as my existence is I just keep on keepin on I guess keeping in mind that I've survived this far.

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9 hours ago, dancesintherain said:

I think I'm bringing a copy of what's above (probably minus the whole questioning the anxiety piece) to PHP tomorrow.  Our symptom assessment sheet we fill out always includes a question related to thoughts of harming yourself and I always answer no because, well, I never do.  Even at my worst thus far.  I think this time I might answer "see attached when you have time, which I realize is probably not now" or something like that. 

I just wanted to add that I think bringing this (OP) to PHP tomorrow (or today?) would be a really good idea.  And like you said, just take out what you don't want to say and print the rest.

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I'm sorry you feel so crappy also newrealization.  I hope that today is a better day.

Thanks melissa....it's today now (Wednesday).  I've printed, slightly edited, and am prepared to provide it today.  I think sometimes how crappy I'm actually doing gets lost in how well I tend to present myself...due to social-conditioning, a family that teased me when I was upset, and so on and so forth.  So maybe seeing it spelled out will help. 

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5 minutes ago, dancesintherain said:

I think sometimes how crappy I'm actually doing gets lost in how well I tend to present myself

^^I can relate to this.  It does happen to me also, now that I think about it.  When I put on a happy face, how I am really feeling can get lost. 

I hope giving the people what you wrote for PHP will all work out.

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I'm a bit more grounded and functional today.  Uncomfortable thoughts, that's an interesting idea...it was one of the things PHP pdoc said was that because I'm going down on seroquel and up on Latuda, there's a possibility that I'm in an area where things aren't completely covered.  The other helpful thought was that it sometimes helps to keep the fact that I'm reporting on things on a daily basis in perspective...that before the program and after IP, I was seeing my OP pdoc every other week.  Then there's the lack of quality sleep factor.

I had two good conversations with one of the staff people...I wanted to say thanks on the second one and apologize for blowing everything out of proportion but that wasn't exactly accepted.  She commented that it seemed like somewhere along the way I learned I couldn't actually have my emotions...so I said yes and explained...and she said I was in a safe space for having them now.  Which, strangely, led to me crying and saying that although I appreciate it, I don't want to be here forever.  She's also going to poke around with a few leads on possible therapists if I attempt my reconciliation with mine and it doesn't go well.

Edited by dancesintherain
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thanks--I only just started lowering it about a week ago and I've had the sleep issues since the beginning of the episode, but I do think they've been worse since we started the lowering.  It also makes sense given that it's one of the sleep-inducing meds that taking it away could make sleep issues worse. 

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16 hours ago, dancesintherain said:

it's today now (Wednesday).  I've printed, slightly edited, and am prepared to provide it today.  I think sometimes how crappy I'm actually doing gets lost in how well I tend to present myself...due to social-conditioning, a family that teased me when I was upset, and so on and so forth.  So maybe seeing it spelled out will help. 

From previous posts I am glad this went well for you, and that you had some good conversations with one of the staff member/s.

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Seroquel rebound insomnia is awful. Every time I've quit seroquel I've experienced it, and the worst kept me from sleeping through the night for about ten days. Sleep is extremely important for your mind and body. I find it does a lot for helping my mood.

Do the therapists in your PHP value sleep? Mine did, and they taught was a top priority for everyone. I'm kind of surprised that's not a top priority for them to address, medically and non-medically.

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Sleep is definitely a high priority.  We discuss it every day in our morning symptoms group and its a part of my conversations with PHP pdoc.  Problem is I've gone through a lot of sleep medications, so we've had to do a bit of experimentation.  Knock on wood, gabapentin seems to be heading me in the right direction--though I was also emotionally exhausted yesterday and that probably played a factor.  I was exhausted this am but between coloring, a therapy group, and caffeine, I seem to be more awake.  We will see if it lasts.

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