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Struggling to stay balanced


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Hi all. I'll start by saying that I have a long history of bulimia and anorexia and have found that I either ignore the situation and gain or obsess and lose (weight and control). 

I've been slowly losing weight since November. I think I've been doing it the "right" way. I'm eating my fruit and veg, I'm not avoiding entire food groups, I'm not grazing. I'm trying to let my body find its own weight despite what the scale shows. I'm looking to be healthy.

It's started out well, but it seems like I'm going in the wrong direction. Right now, my eating isn't technically disordered, but recent behaviors are pointing towards a potential relapse. I'm obsessing about eating and feeling a sense of accomplishment when I adhere to my (so far) sensible eating rules. I designed them to be fluid, but I'm becoming rigid. I've started stepping on the scale. At first it was just to get a baseline. Then I attempted to do it once per week. Now it's every couple of days and I often think of getting on it. When I do get on the scale, I weigh myself several times to make sure the numbers are right.

I know I should find a way to stop this from progressing, but I can't "remember" how bad it gets. I have a good amount to lose, so I don't want to go back to ignoring my intake entirely. I can't seem to do balanced. 

I feel like I'm in for ignoring or relapse, but not healthy  I can't seem to choose health.

Thanks for reading.

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I'm glad you are writing about this now ... I think it shows how strong you are.

It sounds to me like you are the point where it is starting to get bad, and I think you should have some sort in intervention.  The earlier you have an intervention the easier it might be to stop the behaviors.  I have been through an ED, and had it for 20 years.  I'm over it now, but had I been really treated (not the crappy out patient stuff I went through ... not you, me) back in 1988 (I was 15 years old), I do not think it would have lasted as long as it did.  I can't say that for sure, but given other things I have been through, the earlier had I got helped, I truly think I'd be better off today.

Anyway, I think (IMO) you are ignoring a relapse that is just starting.  I am glad that you are talking about it now so it hopefully won't get any worse. Do you have a tdoc you can talk to about this?

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