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'Handling' impulses to start a debate.


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I don't have much advice because I am the same way about impulsive debates.  And usually over the little things.  I have to really "bite my tongue" and hold back most of the time.  Distract myself or something.  Because if I get into a certain mood that I want to debate things.  But in the end I would most likely regret it, which I think is what holds me back.

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4 hours ago, uncomfortable thoughts said:

The problem for me right now  it's when about the things I'm passionate. 

When this happens and the debate is going in circles or you realize that the other person won't let up no matter what, I just say "we'll have to agree to disagree."  And that will stop things.  Usually for me anyway.

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41 minutes ago, melissaw72 said:

When this happens and the debate is going in circles or you realize that the other person won't let up no matter what, I just say "we'll have to agree to disagree."  And that will stop things.  Usually for me anyway.

I want to handle the impulse of starting such a conversation.

I'll put a scenario to it:

I'm on a gathering and a subject that I would love to debate starts without me and I want to engage but it would be better if I just observe, at least at first and as I observe sometime I just want to interject.

It isn't rare but most of the best conversations just happened that way, unfortunately the worst too.

I can respect a bunch of good arguments that are different of my views but those arguments are well constructed or at least I don't have anything to add up or keep the conversation going.

I think it's health and productive to engage on some discussions but if I put a ratio on it, I would say that the probability that I getting frustrated, disappointed or mad, suppress the chances of, let's say 'making friends'.

I don't want to go and lecture, I want just to debate for the sake of it and damn' I guess people are just trying to lecture or show off something more than have an exchange, I don't know.

If I didn't care I would not get on those moods, you know?

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I have a lot of social anxiety so while I may debate on the internet, I don't do so in real life unless I've had some alcohol. But I do get what you are saying. There are many conversations where I'd like to jump into but, as I said, I have social anxiety.

There's nothing wrong with having an impulse to debate something especially if you feel passionate about it. I don't really know anyway to actually control the impulse except to simply walk away.

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21 minutes ago, jt07 said:

There's nothing wrong with having an impulse to debate something especially if you feel passionate about it. I don't really know anyway to actually control the impulse except to simply walk away.

It's not as easy when it's on a dinner for an example.

What eventually happens, on a dinner scenario:

I would not get involved on a specific conversation until the table conversation gets into absurds that I'll just point out in a enraged tone, because I care.

If I don't care I would just silently laugh and can be there and can do something else.

If it interested me, it's f#cking hard to keep myself away.

I don't think making up a 'mantra' would benefit me but I guess I would have to find some sort of 'mantra' that won't exclude a possible 'benefitial' debate.

 

It's not, for an example:

When I go to a random place to utilize a service, let's say, I'll ship a box.

The person will engage in some small talk about a thing that I care and well, I don't have the time and I'll not simple yell on this stranger or be rude, I can be sarcastic but that's it, this will not ruin my day.

 

The problem are with people that I'm somehow are related, acquaintances, 'old friends', family....

Those are the things that I'm keeping myself away to avoid eventual damage...

 

It isn't like someone asked my option anyways...

Maybe I would have to content and hold on until someone asks me my opinion, like it happens on those other situations with random strangers making small talk.

Edited by uncomfortable thoughts
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There are certain "hot button" issues that should never be discussed at the dinner table such as politics and religion. If such topics are brought up then I think most people would have a problem with the impulse to debate. That's why these topics are taboo in certain settings. Some would even include sports in the list of taboo topics because there are some very passionate people about sports. But if these topics come up then someone is going to get angry and it's all going to end up in a big argument. You are certainly not to blame if you didn't inject such topics into the flow of conversation.

If you can't walk away, then just conduct yourself in an admirable manner, calmly and peacefully, without going off the deep end even if inside you want to knock some heads.

 

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10 hours ago, jt07 said:

I have a lot of social anxiety so while I may debate on the internet, I don't do so in real life unless I've had some alcohol. But I do get what you are saying. There are many conversations where I'd like to jump into but, as I said, I have social anxiety.

There's nothing wrong with having an impulse to debate something especially if you feel passionate about it. I don't really know anyway to actually control the impulse except to simply walk away.

Thank you for this post ... I'm the same way except I don't drink the alcohol; I just don't do it IRL much.  I might have a lot to say, but it is hard for me to put words together in my mind that make sense.

(in bold) Exactly.

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  • 4 months later...

I am arguementative, and my mate hates it. She says that I get irritable and just don't know when to stop. I usually do it because she is blatanly wrong and I am right (for real) but she declines to accept this. So I myself don't consider anything wrong with it, but it can really get in the way of our relationship so I need to stop it. But it is hard... it is like a personality trait.

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  • 1 month later...
  • 1 month later...
On 8/4/2016 at 2:32 PM, jt07 said:

There's nothing wrong with having an impulse to debate something especially if you feel passionate about it. 

I know this is an older thread, but........I absolutely can't be silent if someone starts talking about how great Donald Trump is....LOL.

Fortunately, most of my family, and the people I'm friends with, aren't Trump supporters.

Edited by CrazyRedhead
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On 8/4/2016 at 2:13 PM, jt07 said:

There are certain "hot button" issues that should never be discussed at the dinner table such as politics and religion. If such topics are brought up then I think most people would have a problem with the impulse to debate. That's why these topics are taboo in certain settings. Some would even include sports in the list of taboo topics because there are some very passionate people about sports. But if these topics come up then someone is going to get angry and it's all going to end up in a big argument. You are certainly not to blame if you didn't inject such topics into the flow of conversation.

If you can't walk away, then just conduct yourself in an admirable manner, calmly and peacefully, without going off the deep end even if inside you want to knock some heads.

 

I was taught to not discuss sex, politics or religion in general because its not good manners.  So on the sex thing / politics / religion there are somethings that are all three and sometimes are hard to not respond to.  

Its a little bit like the Star Trek "Prime Directive" which is to not get involved with aliens who are not as advanced as the "Federation of planets" ha...

I would like to debate against the Prime Directive someday.  As to sex?  I think what people do behind doors is better left unsaid at Thanksgiving.  If for nothing more then that maybe a great thing to one person might make another toss his gravy.  

Politics.  God help me I've learned after years and years why we have the right to vote for whoever we like and not have it made public.   Even still I would like to debate on the side of people versus both political parties. 

Religion.  When someone has a connection with God etc I think its nice to not have that put on the table and you be interogated as to "Are you insane or stupid" or nailed on a cross so to speak if you are spiritual in some way.   And like political parties I would love to debate on the side of People versus Political (oops) organized religion.  

Here is one thing that probably should be talked about but is either not or is avoided like Politics.   The Press.   I think confidence in what the Press reports is at an all time low?  Why?  Is the press suddenly switched to propoganda?   I think that its possible.   Is the press really reporting fake news?   I think bias creeps in and "correctness" now means something other then checking facts.

In all three of the "don't talk about in Polite Society" I think one of the primary problems is being lumped into a group and talked down to.  Or screamed at and insulted.

As the comic book guy said "Nuff said"

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I was not taught that but I grasped it after watching a few friendly get togethers turn into shouting matches. Also, I tend to lose respect for people when their politics is not the same as mine so I really don't want to know people's politics. As to sex, I just don't want to know about it. And religion is the same as politics to me because people's religious views often inform their political views.

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Great topic.
My only 2 cents is that its never worth it to engage in debate with people on social media. If you are close friends, acquaintances, family; it doesn't matter.
People like being in their own bubble online and I found even when people are posting on my own posts/statuses, they are completely oblivious to anyone's opinions but their own.

I also think in real life a lot of it has to do with your style of debate.
Some people think the best way to win an argument is to repeat what they think is right and how their opinion is far superior, and really push it. Make a scene about how the other person is ludicrous/stupid.
You'll find the best debaters kind of nudge you towards a different opinion and make you think about it, rather than pushing their own opinion on you.

There's the phrase 'you catch more flies with honey than vinegar' which I think is undoubtedly true.

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