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SO I WAS NOT DIAGNOSED SCHIZOPHRENIC BUt I do have hallucinations I guess I don't really fucking know what living is anymore. 

at 19 I developed severe paranoia for no reason. I would think I'm in trouble 90% of the time. I still do. I don't know why I am I just am. 

at 18 I started hearing a mumbling. Then that mumbling turned into a dainty voiced woman who can never shut the hell up when I need her to. This isn't a daily occurrence. More like once every other day or if I'm lucky once a week. Sometimes I feel things touching me or someone breathing directly on me. The conversations I hear are random ranging from typical adult conversations (getting a car or paying mortgage) or about what happened earlier that day/week/year. It's weird. It doesn't feel like what I should hear? I have poor memory too? but that could be caused by other things. I will also hear random noises? Visual it's usually shadows moving towards me during the day or night. I barely get sleep because of night terrors/my job. I also feel like I'm not actually real? I don't know what that's about. 

I'm really empathetic though and I'm a huge fucking push over that takes all sorts of shit from crappy people but I can flip the switch in a second. No control. 

I'm not sure what is happening but it's happening. Anyone else with schizophrenia experience this or am I just psychotic/manic? I was diagnosed with MPD years ago but this feels...new. It's not what I felt before. I'm asking here to see if I should really invest in getting help or if I should just stick to my medication and hope this might fade. I really hate opening up because honestly it's...embarrassing. There's a lot more that happens but this is the stuff that really makes living hard. Idk if I'm delusional. My friends say I am but...I mean how can you tell? 

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51 minutes ago, Nonamepls said:

I'm asking here to see if I should really invest in getting help or if I should just stick to my medication and hope this might fade. I really hate opening up because honestly it's...embarrassing. There's a lot more that happens but this is the stuff that really makes living hard. Idk if I'm delusional. My friends say I am but...I mean how can you tell?

Hi ... Welcome to CB!

I'm sorry you are going through all of this.  It sounds similar to what I do go/have gone through before and it really sucks and annoying as hell.  Makes me so irritable.  And you are right, it is hard to tell what is what ... whether a delusion is real or not.  If you don't know if something is a delusion or not ... I'd ask another person if something is true or not.  You could say something like, "I heard (insert delusion) and wondered if it was true?"  And hopefully the other person can answer your question.  And with the voices too, re:  what is real or not.  For me if someone says something to my face IRL, then it is not hearing voices (from out of nowhere).  If you are hearing things when no one is around then most likely it could be the voices there bugging the crap out of you.

To answer your question:    I think you should really invest  in getting help.  That is what I would do at this point.  The meds you are on might not even be helping.  Maybe they are helping, but from what you write and describe that you are going through on a day-to-day basis IMO they are not working too well.  (I am not a DR, just my opinion)

Finding a psychiatrist (pdoc) could help out symptom-wise (you could even just print your post out here and hand it to a pdoc the first time you meet.  Then have the pdoc ask questions from there).  Pdoc could also help with the medications to help get the symptoms under control, or at least better than they are.

Or maybe invest seeing a therapist.   I know it is really hard opening up and starting, especially when embarrassing, but I think they probably have heard almost everything.  Just a guess though.  IMO the only way to get through it all though it to talk about it.  A therapist (tdoc) could help with the talking part if the pdoc does not (he is the one who prescribes the meds though).

I hope this helps!

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I, too have had these experiences and came here today to see if anyone else had these "shadow people" they see out of the corner of their eye and when you turn your head they quickly are out of view? Your symptoms and mine are quite similar and my diagnosis is "schizoaffective disorder" although at times it's more of one thing than the other--I really hope you decide to go to the doc because I'm over the moon happy mine has been so helpful in this journey shall we say---i wish you the best & just know you're not alone....there are many of us..and thank goodness for this site!!!

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THANK GOD I also see shadow birds creeping out of the pavement late at night. I work night shift so coming home IS AWFUL. 

With my dads episodes I'm afraid of hearing a diagnosis. I've been in denial that anything was wrong until my boss took me aside one night and asked me who I was talking to, when i said "the guy next to me" and he shot me a weird look to point out the guy had his ear plugs in. Nearly shit myself and left work for three weeks. It's all been getting worse though.  I guess I should get help but man what if they say I'm making it up? My parents accuse me of making it up whenever I reach out or ask questions. They gasllighted me a lot as a child so I guess I shouldn't trust them. I guess a psychologist will believe me for a pretty penny though. 

I'm so glad I found here. I was scared to post for months before I finally did and terrified to see answers. I tried talking to friends but they just...they don't talk to me anymore. I guess they weren't really friends. I have one who stays around but he just tends to make shit worse. 

I feel they wont believe me because I've kept a job for 9 months. Which is a record for the last two years I lose them within a week because of break downs. This place is awesome though I just stack boxes and don't have to talk to anyone. But I do have to leave early every now and then because of my fucking stupid all over the place emotions. And my kidneys are giving out, so I'm always at the hospital. They're blaming it on risperdal so I guess I'll have to settle for something else. 

thank you guys for hearing me out. It means A LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT. I feel comfortable being anonymous but if it's anything I'm a female that dresses like a guy sometimes. Idk I like dude fashion, it's easier to figure out. I FEEL SO FREE it feels like a weight has been lifted. 

though one serious question, does anyone have hygiene problems too? I'll forget to bathe for days on end and forget to brush my teeth, if I do those things I forget to eat???? I'd like to know if that's common too. Or if that's just a dumb thing. 

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2 hours ago, Nonamepls said:

THANK GOD I also see shadow birds creeping out of the pavement late at night. I work night shift so coming home IS AWFUL. 

Is it the type of thing where you see a shadow out of the corner of your eye/s and when you go turn your head to see it, it is gone?

Also, out of curiosity ... wondering how can there be shadows creeping out of the pavement late at night?

2 hours ago, Nonamepls said:

My parents accuse me of making it up whenever I reach out or ask questions.

That completely sucks and I can relate to this.  They told me "it isn't real" or "he didn't do that to you" with the tone of voice of everything I say isn't true.  I totally resented them for not believing me.

2 hours ago, Nonamepls said:

I guess a psychologist will believe me for a pretty penny though. 

For me the key was finding a tdoc (at first) who had no contact with my parents.  So tdoc could never call them or anything.  She had no idea what they even looked/sounded like or anything except from what I said to her.  And she saw me in a sliding scale, so money wasn't the issue in her beliving me ... is was the no contact with my parents that was crucial.

2 hours ago, Nonamepls said:

though one serious question, does anyone have hygiene problems too? I'll forget to bathe for days on end and forget to brush my teeth, if I do those things I forget to eat???? I'd like to know if that's common too. Or if that's just a dumb thing. 

It is not a dumb thing.  You will find A LOT of the members here who have hygiene problems. Bathing, brushing teeth, washing hair, forget to eat, etc.

Maybe you could start a new post about hygiene problems, and what do people have/do about them, etc.

I think that would really be helpful for you.

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  • 1 month later...

 

so

I got off risperdal which was causing my kidneys to actually fail. I didn't know it could do that. During that time after a massive mental breakdown I was admitted to an institution and received almost immediate help as to assist me in keeping my job (I've had it for a year now and would be devastated if I lost it honestly, I've worked so hard to keep it). Found out my dad is actually paranoid schizophrenic. Explains a lot in my childhood actually. So with that I was given an MRI, blood tests and a psychological evaluation. I have to wait a month more for more testing but so far it looks I'm undifferentiated schizophrenic. My treatment will begin once the diagnosis is confirmed. Thank god for this site. I would have never even thought that's what this was. I thought maybe I had psychotic depression since I've suffered clinical depression since I was 8. 

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