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sleepy borderline

I don't think my ex-therapist ever cared about me

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Wow.  To be completely honest, that would absolutely enrage me and I'd be out as well (though I recognize that not everybody has the luxury of just changing therapists and in some systems you get what you get - I've been there too).

I think it's totally fucked to compare you to another client like that because I think that's totally shaming and unnecessary.  And to tell you that she would never do those things for a client.  That seems mean.  I work in mental health and I can totally see myself doing those things for somebody.

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On 8/20/2016 at 8:51 PM, sleepy borderline said:

 Unfortunately I wasn't always kind to her throughout my therapy and didn't respect boundaries. I feel like maybe she left really thinking I was too hard to deal with and was secretly glad to get rid of me as a client. I don't think I always made her job easy but I'd like to think that the slow progress I did make with my BPD was at least sometimes rewarding for her.  I feel like she kept me as a client for 15 years because she felt like I might turn violent or it might upset me to let me go.  Maybe that is just my negative self-talk talking to me

I imagine that it's negative self-talk. I'm pretty sure that if she actually thought that you were violent of that prone to being upset that she'd have told you that she was unable to work with you at all; we have more than a few posts around the boards from people who have been fired by their therapists for being outside of the scope of their therapists' capabilities at the time.

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2 hours ago, WinterRosie said:

fired by their therapists for being outside of the scope of their therapists' capabilities at the time.

This happened to me when I was in college.  The therapist in college sent me outside of the school for a therapist because she said there was nothing she could do for me.

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I am pretty enraged about what the new T said, but I talked to my case manager about it a couple days ago. She knows me better ( having worked with me for 15 years) and shows the compassion and caring the new T is lacking a bit of.  She said that I should just bring it up to her nicely in our next session, which I will do on Friday. Case manager also thinks maybe new T feels bad because I have brought up the old T a lot. Changing therapists is an option but difficult to do. I get all my services at the clinic I go to. I started looking up Medicaid and Medical therapists who specialize in personality disorders/DBT in my area and found none. I'm sure they are out there, but I'm finding it difficult to find one. I'm guessing a lot of therapists don't want to work with clients that have BPD but that could be just me talking. 

I think I compare the new T to the old one a lot. Despite my unstable relationship with the old one ( mostly me, not her) and the since termination lack of support, she really did a great job while I was with her. She showed a lot of compassion and caring and I'm worried that now that I don't see her that went away for her, like she forgot me or something. Little things, like one time I was really cold waiting outside for her and she let me wear her jacket in session, the fact that she trusted me enough to leave her purse with me alone in the therapy room when she went to use the restroom, the card and letters she gave me and the fact that she sobbed when I gave her a card goodbye and it touched her. Offering me food in the session and we'd both put our feet up on a chair.... not the mention the skills she gave me and I felt like she knew me. Like we shared a special connection ( and I am hopefully not saying that delusionally) ... i had grown so attached to her. It was the first time in my life I felt like someone listened to me and accepted me because I had been seeing her since I was barely out of my teens. 

The new T, I feel like she's kind of cold and doesn't want to get too close to me. 

 

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That's tough.  I think therapists are the same as all people - some are naturally more warm and openly affectionate, and some are more reserved by nature, and take longer to warm up.

Also, you were with your last therapist for YEARS - and this relationship is so new.  It makes sense to me that it would take time to build trust.  Often when I feel misunderstood early in therapy, some aspect of it is that the new therapist and I have to work out the kinks.  I have to coach them to know what my needs are and how to respond when I am distressed, and they have to kind of get a feel for me and what I'm like in therapy, and we both have to test each other out and build that working alliance.  It's really hard to be patient with that though.  When I started working with my current therapist, she REALLY disappointed me the very first time I called her for help when I was really distressed.  I felt like she was so disengaged and we were just talking past each other.  We talked it through and after more time together, I find her quite comforting when I call for help, because she needed to learn what kinds of things I need in those moments, and I needed to get to know her well enough to be able to read her and hear/interpret the caring when she was expressing it in her own way.

All this to say, your new therapist may be naturally less overtly warm, but also you may experience her as more connected and open to you as you get to know her better and learn to read her, and as she learns more about you and your needs.

I've started over a lot of times (I've had like 7 therapists in the past 8 years, some for longer than others) and for me it's also hard to start a relationship with a new therapist while I'm grieving about losing the old one.  It makes it really hard for anything to feel good or right because really I just want my old therapist back.

I'm glad you have some consistency with your case manager and were able to get some comfort there.

Edited by tryp

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Hi everyone,

I know this thread has been dead for a while, but one more thing is bothering me about something my ex-therapist said during termination, and I'm wondering if anyone with knowledge about clinical supervision can help me out.

While we were ending my ex T stated several times that she would wonder what would happen to me, and how I was doing after she ended therapy. ( even putting that in the card she gave me in our last session) 

I go to a non-profit mental health clinic. She had already been clinical supervisor at the clinic for many years at this point. The clinical director and her both decided that she should terminate therapy there with her last 4 clients ( before the last few years she was an employee and case manager at the same clinic and had many more clients) She was to remain the clinical director there for one day a week,

( before this incident I didn't know what a " clinical supervisor" did exactly) 

Since she seemed to be genuinely worried about my well being after therapy, I asked her " well if you are wondering why don't you ask someone how I am doing."

She responded in exact words " I can't, they can't tell me anything. Confidentiality."

So I was like, okay, and forgot about it until recently. Now I know more about what a clinical supervisor does at a clinic. They help the interns ( which my new T is) about helping the clients and case review. I asked my current T if she mentions her clients by name. She said " yes".  My case manager/the clinical director also said she could ask about her ex clients if she wanted to.

So why then did she tell me during termination that she couldn't and it was confidential information and" no one could tell her how I was doing."

Edited by sleepy borderline

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I'm guessing that means she didn't want to ask about me for whatever reason. Not sure what her reasoning was behind stating so many times that she would wonder how I was doing if she could find out about me all along.

Edited by sleepy borderline

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My guess is that she a) wants to respect your privacy, b) wants to not interfere in any capacity with the relationship with your new therapist, c) she wanted to help you have a good ending with clear boundaries, and d) she wanted to have a good ending with clear boundaries.

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