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this might be better to discuss in a blog but i already hit the post button and so

 

i can feel myself starting to have symptoms of a sort. no voices yet but my thoughts are all headed in one direction and i am pretty sure my struggle not to discontinue my meds is about to escalate in a big way. 

 

i can't detail this more at this time because it's too long and based on too many of my points of intersection with the world and my worldview generally, the ones they label delusional), so just trust me. the way i am feeling, not emotionally, but inclination wise, and the content, fuck!

 

i don't want to reveal that to anyone in my in person life though. can anyone relate? yes, i know, take PRNs and talk to dr and inform partner/husband and blah blah blah and for fucks sake don't discontinue. i can save the trouble of repeating all of that. *i know*

 

but can anyone relate to really not wanting to tell and to figure it out or just see on your own because i feel like ...guilty and exhausted despite not having skipped or skimped on any meds and doing day program and getting sufficient rest and water and exercise and so forth? i think i don't have another round in me and certainly nobody around me has the patience or perseverance to weather it. so i need this to just self resolve quickly so i can be this semi stable to mostly stable pretty moderately to moderate high functional. it's too soon from my most recent series of problems and hospitalizations and...years, specifically 2008-2014 were just off and on in and out and that was my longest. the others, other major breaks, weren't less intense but they (or their consequences) only lasted a couple/few years at most, sometimes less, with me being (dare i claim about self) a (reasonably) high functioning schizophrenic in between. i got a doctorate and lived abroad and worked...that's a lot  

 

there's too much at stake now and i have become a parent so i have to figure it out, but then also i can't lose another handful of tears or more to this stupid fucking bullshit. and yet, i am so drawn to just plunging into these ideas of mine. yes, I should alert someone and yes plans are in place for a reason, but i also just can't deliver that news to anyone. not after all this and my stability being so freshly attained. people need a break from it and so do i; nobody needs more of it again so soon. even if only minimally and it is figured out quickly, i feel such a need to keep it to myself. i've used up all of my goodwill and chances and benefit of the doubt and empathy/understanding from others.   

 

cheers for reading xx

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I hear you on the "I've told enough people of previous crap and I don't want to let them know that it's starting all over again."  It sounds like mine may have been a bit further apart (not that that matters), but when this current episode started, I literally ended up at the wrong hospital because I was too stubborn to call a friend to get me to the right one, ask someone at work for help, or try to get a taxi.  I'd gotten there one particular way before and damnit I'd do it again.  Except I didn't...and then I landed somewhere random instead...and I ended up in an ambulance en route to the worst ER and IP experiences I've had thus far.  So...I'm not saying that will definitely be the results of not telling at all.  Just did want to share that cautionary note.  That was after talking to my doctor and he encouraged me to get to the same hospital I was trying to get to.  Sometimes, that's just not enough support.

But yes, I get it.  I get not wanting to be a burden or bring people in to yet another mess.  That said--you mentioned telling your doctor and husband/partner.  Does that get you anywhere close to something that's safe?  Who would you ideally be telling if you weren't feeling reluctant?  And yes, I also understand how you need a break from it all.  It gets old really fast. 

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3 hours ago, mellifluous said:

i don't want to reveal that to anyone in my in person life though.  can anyone relate?

Hi melli ... Yes, I wouldn't want to tell anyone IRL people either because then all they do (at least for me) is hover, and ask how I'm doing a 1000 times a day, watching my carefully and what I am going to do, wondering where I am going if I am going out, etc.  I think you know what I mean.

3 hours ago, mellifluous said:

but can anyone relate to really not wanting to tell and to figure it out or just see on your own because i feel like ...guilty and exhausted despite not having skipped or skimped on any meds and doing day program and getting sufficient rest and water and exercise and so forth? 

Yes, I think I can relate to this ... the feeling guilty about telling others because in the past when things started getting bad, everyone "had" to deal with it all over again.  By keeping it to myself, at least I didn't bother people and worry them, if it was something I thought I could work out myself.  (However the only problem with that is that if you do try yourself to figure things out and can't, then get to the point where you need more help, and then ask others for help, they might say something like, 'Why didn't you say something earlier on so we could have helped you then.')  And that, at least to me, would make things worse between you and the others. (Just my opinion though, not saying it would happen to you.  But I think it could be a possibility).  Is this what you mean?

3 hours ago, mellifluous said:

there's too much at stake now and i have become a parent so i have to figure it out, but then also i can't lose another handful of tears or more to this stupid fucking bullshit. and yet, i am so drawn to just plunging into these ideas of mine. yes, I should alert someone and yes plans are in place for a reason, but i also just can't deliver that news to anyone. not after all this and my stability being so freshly attained. people need a break from it and so do i; nobody needs more of it again so soon. even if only minimally and it is figured out quickly, i feel such a need to keep it to myself. i've used up all of my goodwill and chances and benefit of the doubt and empathy/understanding from others.   

Do mean feeling guilty telling others because they've been through a lot with you and don't think they could deal with more problems? 

Like you said, they need a break as well as you do (I'm not saying this is true, just saying what you were talking about).  But if it is figured out I would just tell it to whomever asked, and hope for the best.  It is complicated because on one hand you want to keep it to yourself to try to work on it alone, but on the other hand you might not be able to keep it to yourself at one point then others might figure it out later on after you were trying yourself, and ask why didn't you say something earlier.  That thought would drive me nuts just thinking back and forth about wanting to work this on alone vs telling someone.  Don't know if that is on your mind or not though.

3 hours ago, mellifluous said:

yes, I should alert someone and yes plans are in place for a reason, but i also just can't deliver that news to anyone. not after all this and my stability being so freshly attained. people need a break from it and so do i; nobody needs more of it again so soon.

Benefit of the doubt, maybe the people IRL would still want you to tell them what is happening because they wouldn't want it to spiral out of control.  Like say you did say something to someone.  I would say something like, 'I am feeling like things are spiraling downward again, and need help from that not happening again.  I am doing ok now, just it feels like I might need a bit of help so I don't end up hospitalized again.  I know that is a pain for everyone, including myself, so I don't want it to get that way.  Which is why I am telling you as I first notice it.'

Hypothetically if you told people right when the problems start, the more likely you might not be hospitalized, etc. because you can get help to stop it in its tracks.

I know you don't want to tell anyone though and I respect that.  Just giving you ideas and possible scenarios to maybe think about.  I don't think it would be a problem if people knew right away so they can help you.  If they didn't find out until later (say you were hospitalized), then that would put more pressure on people.  In the beginning is the best time to "catch" things so they don't get worse.

I hope this makes sense and is helpful at least in some way.

ETA:  Do you think you still have insight as to what is going on?

Edited by melissaw72
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thank you both. xx

 

i might not be able to reply for a bit, but i really appreciate what you both wrote and i do think you both understand. 

mel: i think i still have insight. i always do though. but i do know that i'm not at a point of raising concerns with others and usually when i lack insight that happens. which makes it all worse given the nature of my thoughts, but, that's a side issue :)

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15 hours ago, melissaw72 said:

Hi melli ... Yes, I wouldn't want to tell anyone IRL people either because then all they do (at least for me) is hover, and ask how I'm doing a 1000 times a day, watching my carefully and what I am going to do, wondering where I am going if I am going out, etc.  I think you know what I mean.

yes, being watched more closely is defo a concern since that's already something bothersome and will feed unhealthy...incompatible with having a child...thoughts. it also kills me to see them searching my face for some sign that i'm "ok" and the worry creeping across their faces when they can't find it.

15 hours ago, melissaw72 said:

Yes, I think I can relate to this ... the feeling guilty about telling others because in the past when things started getting bad, everyone "had" to deal with it all over again.  By keeping it to myself, at least I didn't bother people and worry them, if it was something I thought I could work out myself.  (However the only problem with that is that if you do try yourself to figure things out and can't, then get to the point where you need more help, and then ask others for help, they might say something like, 'Why didn't you say something earlier on so we could have helped you then.')  And that, at least to me, would make things worse between you and the others. (Just my opinion though, not saying it would happen to you.  But I think it could be a possibility).  Is this what you mean?

yes, exactly. i don't want to worry them and, you know, i never do like to open up to people in my life because i feel the second i do i'm expected to accept their help. sometimes i selfishly want help to look like i want it to look and am most receptive to and not to be this overwhelming having emotions about me directed at me worry thing.

15 hours ago, melissaw72 said:

Do mean feeling guilty telling others because they've been through a lot with you and don't think they could deal with more problems? 

yes, right, that's precisely what i mean. i've used up all of my empathy and sympathy and people taking time and spending it on me. i feel like i was already on thin ice and overextended people... they *want* to be there, they say, but then, maybe they feel just as obliged to help as i feel to be helpable and really it'd be better if we both sides just let it rest this time. 

 

though, you're right about the downside of getting worse and then having to answer harder questions and arousing more concern and running the risk of being ...of it going too far and my getting involuntarily sectioned again or trying to cut wires out of me and so forth. that simply canNOT happen around my little family. it really never should've, but then, i never should've been mentally ill either, in an ideal world. but the stakes are so much higher now and i canNOT have a break and be in her presence. and i don't want to not be with her, but i would never forgive myself for making her witness my illness in its graphic iterations.

15 hours ago, melissaw72 said:

Like you said, they need a break as well as you do (I'm not saying this is true, just saying what you were talking about).  But if it is figured out I would just tell it to whomever asked, and hope for the best.  It is complicated because on one hand you want to keep it to yourself to try to work on it alone, but on the other hand you might not be able to keep it to yourself at one point then others might figure it out later on after you were trying yourself, and ask why didn't you say something earlier.  That thought would drive me nuts just thinking back and forth about wanting to work this on alone vs telling someone.  Don't know if that is on your mind or not though.

yeah, it's on my mind, but i feel like it's still well within reach, so maybe i'll just try to status quo until my psych appointment on the 29th. that's my next one. if i can just not discontinue then i should be ok. or ok enough. i think. 

15 hours ago, melissaw72 said:

Benefit of the doubt, maybe the people IRL would still want you to tell them what is happening because they wouldn't want it to spiral out of control.  Like say you did say something to someone.  I would say something like, 'I am feeling like things are spiraling downward again, and need help from that not happening again.  I am doing ok now, just it feels like I might need a bit of help so I don't end up hospitalized again.  I know that is a pain for everyone, including myself, so I don't want it to get that way.  Which is why I am telling you as I first notice it.'

Hypothetically if you told people right when the problems start, the more likely you might not be hospitalized, etc. because you can get help to stop it in its tracks.

these are good points and that'd be a decent way to approach it, phrasing wise...thank you, mel :) i just don't see how i can choke out those words and admit it though.

15 hours ago, melissaw72 said:

I know you don't want to tell anyone though and I respect that.  Just giving you ideas and possible scenarios to maybe think about.  I don't think it would be a problem if people knew right away so they can help you.  If they didn't find out until later (say you were hospitalized), then that would put more pressure on people.  In the beginning is the best time to "catch" things so they don't get worse.

I hope this makes sense and is helpful at least in some way.

ETA:  Do you think you still have insight as to what is going on?

like i said quickly above, yes, i do think i retain insight. since you're someone i know better, if you disagree with me, i'm confident i would be receptive to you saying so. i hope i would be. i think i would be. i'm mostly confident, i guess, so if you do see where i'm not on this thread...you'd be doing me a service by telling me so directly. i trust you to be telling me the truth. 

i'm going to mull things over some more, but that's my reply for now. 

cheers. xx

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2 hours ago, mellifluous said:

these are good points and that'd be a decent way to approach it, phrasing wise...thank you, mel :) i just don't see how i can choke out those words and admit it though.

True ... somethings are easier said than done.

2 hours ago, mellifluous said:

if you disagree with me, i'm confident i would be receptive to you saying so. i hope i would be. i think i would be. i'm mostly confident, i guess, so if you do see where i'm not on this thread...you'd be doing me a service by telling me so directly. i trust you to be telling me the truth. 

I have been telling you the truth the whole time.  Like I was saying though, even though it is easier said than done, I would tell ... or casually mention might work better ... someone about what you are going through with now, specifically to make sure you won't have a breakdown in front of your daughter and don't end up hospitalized involuntarily.  I think then your family might be more worried etc and just be burnt out or angry or something.  But I can't see that happening if you tell them now (before things spiral out of control). 

I am really glad you see your pdoc on the 29th.  It is about a week away, but that amount of time could feel like l lifetime of waiting (it would for me at least).  Would you be up to getting an earlier appt, or putting your name on a cancellation list in case there is a cancellation earlier than the 29th?

So like I was saying (sorry if I am redundant), as hard as it would be to do ... and I would have a hard time doing this also ... I would tell someone, BUT phrasing it with how you are telling them it just started because you don't want to get worse down the line.  And if you get negative feedback from anyone, you could say how, 'at least I am telling you now ... I figured you'd want me to tell you early on instead of later on when things could get worse and I break down, eventually being involuntarily hospitalized.  I want to avoid that as much as I can.  I am taking all my meds at the right times and in the correct doses.  Maybe I just need a med change.  But for now I need some help before I see pdoc on the 29th.'  I think they'd appreciate this because you are thinking of them too.  I mean it isn't your fault you have SZ.  And doing your best is the best you can do, which includes getting help. 

 

oh ... one more thing ... what is your insight about what is going on now?

Edited by melissaw72
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I just read something you wrote in another thread and I think it is also something to take into consideration when thinking about asking others for help or not:

You said (in the "delusions suck" thread):

Quote

it sucks me in so fast in a way, but then really it's not fast, it's just that by the time i notice it i'm so far gone that it takes longer each time to find my way anywhere near back to the starting point. but once i start, if i let myself read certain things or consider certain thoughts...it goes from here and there to consuming all of my time

It would suck if you got to this point of noticing it when you are too far gone ... and then need more help than you would by telling people now.

(I hope I worded that right)

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i hear you, melissa, i do. i'm going to try to put it out of my mind for tonight. i'm talking to a friend and distracting self. i think my line in the sand will have to do with my voices returning and their content. i'm not currently worried i'll act on my thoughts/"delusions" but i don't like that they're consuming and i'd rather they just go the fuck away. but, alas, that is not how it works.

 

i may take a prn zyprexa. i think i likely will ring about getting in next week. but then maybe after tuesday the stress will abate and so will the pull... i can only hope.

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7 hours ago, mellifluous said:

i may take a prn zyprexa. i think i likely will ring about getting in next week. but then maybe after tuesday the stress will abate and so will the pull... i can only hope.

I think zyprexa will help some.  Great idea to find an earlier appt next week, regardless of how you might feel about what might happen after Tuesday.  Distraction is always helpful, as long as your friend isn't talking about things that will trigger you.

I really hope all this shit happening goes away too.

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ok...so...a day later...what a difference a day later makes...i don't know if this ended up being so perfect you couldn't plan it that well or if we all just fell into the same sinkhole at the same time and in the process of extricating selves, i divulged. 

 

probably less the latter because it wasn't a big "i have news" moment. i wasn't planning to share.

 

anyway, so i was out at the park and then grocery, muni in between. my husband was out doing a couple of things he told me and i promptly forgot and still don't recall.

on arrival home, i was telling him this thing that had happened to us. it was funny. and then a second thing happened, which was less funny and more, like, they replaced the camp over by the one taco truck and i saw the tents were up *and* i want to take dog food down next week because i saw at least two pitties in the tents.

well, so i was telling the funny story when it occurred to me that i was talking about the dogs. like, had spliced them in. and then found myself having spliced back over to ggp story. and i looked at my m to find he had this....super earnest, knitted brows, i'm going to figure out this puzzle if it kills me look. so i ask, have i not been coherent this whole time, because i think i might've mixed the events together somehow. and he said back that he hoped something was up because he hadn't understood a word after the first few sentences. like, the words were intact, but they didn't go together in sentences.

he described it as not word salad, but most of the ingredients are present, prewashed, and precut.

ok, so the thing is, that disorganized thinking/formal thought disorder doesn't usually rear it's head so soon in a slippage. i don't know what to make of that. BUT, and i think you'll be proud of me mel...(and b)...i hemmed and hawed and came out with it that my thoughts have been...you know...*those* ones. and he asked which and i told him only that i was starting to get really concerned about being unkillable and that i am strongly drawn to mull over certain things and it's occurred to me that if i could just, as descartes did in the meditations, find one piece of firm and constant knowledge...if i could find and retrieve from within self just one implant or one length of cabling...i would be vindicated. i would be exonerated! and i was getting really excited at these prospects. 

and then he asked me point blank if the voices were back and which ones. and i really am not troubled by them right now. or not troubled by them. they're quiet at best. i do hear murmuring and snickery giggles on occasion, but, i don't think it means anything. i'm not getting any orders or commentary or information at all. and no portals. so, i told him my plan to wait. and he wasn't super keen on it. he wants to know as early as i feel comfortable telling him. and he hopes that's straight away, but understands if it's not. but he wants my psychiatrist to be notified even if he isn't...straight away. which i agreed to do in future. he also wants me to bump up appointment, but says that's my call since it's my appointment and he's wanting to respect my self determination. i really appreciated that.

 

so...yeah. i don't know that i'm doing better. but my husband knows everything and my psychiatrist likely will sooner than our appointment. fingers crossed that all's well that ends well.

 

much, much love for your support in this, mel, dances, and b. xxx

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Good work melli!

I know all too well and can relate to the not wanting to share what's really going on with those people in our lives because they "have been through enough". I am in a similar pickle. I spent years and years in and out of hospitals and I'm so done with that so I keep most everything to myself. I don't want to return to that pattern, I refuse. I can't do that to my husband anymore so I lie my way out of everything. This has created a huge mess.

So I'm very proud of you for talking to your partner. It's not easy but it is the best way to go. You are an inspiration. 

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3 hours ago, mellifluous said:

ok...so...a day later...what a difference a day later makes...i don't know if this ended up being so perfect you couldn't plan it that well or if we all just fell into the same sinkhole at the same time and in the process of extricating selves, i divulged. 

 

probably less the latter because it wasn't a big "i have news" moment. i wasn't planning to share.

he described it as not word salad, but most of the ingredients are present, prewashed, and precut.

ok, so the thing is, that disorganized thinking/formal thought disorder doesn't usually rear it's head so soon in a slippage. i don't know what to make of that. BUT, and i think you'll be proud of me mel...(and b)...i hemmed and hawed and came out with it that my thoughts have been...you know...*those* ones. and he asked which and i told him only that i was starting to get really concerned about being unkillable and that i am strongly drawn to mull over certain things and it's occurred to me that if i could just, as descartes did in the meditations, find one piece of firm and constant knowledge...if i could find and retrieve from within self just one implant or one length of cabling...i would be vindicated. i would be exonerated! and i was getting really excited at these prospects. 

and then he asked me point blank if the voices were back and which ones. and i really am not troubled by them right now. or not troubled by them. they're quiet at best. i do hear murmuring and snickery giggles on occasion, but, i don't think it means anything. i'm not getting any orders or commentary or information at all. and no portals. so, i told him my plan to wait. and he wasn't super keen on it. he wants to know as early as i feel comfortable telling him. and he hopes that's straight away, but understands if it's not. but he wants my psychiatrist to be notified even if he isn't...straight away. which i agreed to do in future. he also wants me to bump up appointment, but says that's my call since it's my appointment and he's wanting to respect my self determination. i really appreciated that.

 

so...yeah. i don't know that i'm doing better. but my husband knows everything and my psychiatrist likely will sooner than our appointment. fingers crossed that all's well that ends well.

 

much, much love for your support in this, mel, dances, and b. xxx

That is great!  I am so glad you were able to tell them what you did ... that is something to be proud about!  It sounds like they are concerned, and sounded pretty calm about it when you told them.  And that are letting you go with what you think might help, while at the same time will be letting you know if things seem to be getting worse.  That is a lot of support!

Anyway, I am happy for you!  It can be stressful to keep things bottled up inside.

 

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i had planned to go to programme today, but i'm not going to. i'm going to go buy an adult colouring book in a bit. 

 

i did ring and it's decided that maybe the exposure we had planned is too much right now, so pushing it back a week and then we'll see if the inclinations abate. they haven't thus far...but, it's been less than half a day...

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