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It's not like it was ever a good idea


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I've done it for a long time. It sucks. But I had my reasons just as you have yours. I was a scratcher. About a month ago I started using tools. I'm not a fan of tools, but I bit off all my nails. But they've kinda grown back and I haven't stopped.

I'm scared I have moved on to a method I can't go backwards from. I was always proud for not using tools, not causing scars, etc. I even defended it to my counselor that at least what I was doing was safer. Now it's all different and I feel terrible. It never truly made me feel better. It was always just the first thing I did, caused the least amount of problems. Now there's just a seriously different MO. Now I feel bound to it, unwillingly, but bound. Would a backwards step be better anyway? 

My husband, new psychiatrist, and counselor know it happened- but a super watered-down version. Not frequency or anything, not the current state. I feel horrible having this secret. I feel dirty. I'm scared to tell them because they'll think I'm worse, sicker. I'm not sure that's the case. It's surely a step in the wrong direction. I'm not getting better by any means. This doesn't mean I am worse, though. Right?

I'd rather stop than go back to what I was doing. But even that is mostly a lie. I want to be better. I want to be happy again. While I know that this behavior is not good, that it is causing me more harm than good, it isn't why I am sad or sick. It's more like, well, baking. I have this mediocre cake, funfetti, why not? I made a disappointing cake and I covered it with store-bought expired icing, and tried to put fruit or some other bs on it. It's still a decent funfetti cake. I made it worse, but it started out poorly. I'm already broken. Do I need to list every bad thing I do?

So do I go in Tuesday and say "I have this symptom getting worse?" or do I try to focus on the bigger issue of why the depression has gotten this bad? It's going to be an uncomfortable, snotty, embarrassing talk anyway. 

Also, why the hell is it easier to confess to the internet and all its strangers than to the people I depend on to help me?

 

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I usually stay out of this section because of not having direct experience, so I hope it's okay that i'm tentatively wandering in...

I don't know if it's the case for you, but for me, it's easier to confess to people here because people here have been through whatever I'm going through, whereas that can be hard to find in the real world.  That's just me though.  That said, I agree that telling real life people is critical to actually improving.  I like the idea of printing your post if it's easier.  I haven't done that before, but I've made a bullet point list based off a more rambling post and brought that in. 

I'd suggest that focusing on what's going on self-harm wise AND talking about the underlying depression is critical...I don't think it's really an either/or.  It might be good to flag both for your therapist and let him/her make the call as to what to start with.  But I'd try to get some level of discussion on both, even if both need to be followed up later. 

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Thanks, all. 

I told my counselor who then took away the sharp object in my purse and called my husband. 

I was offered the chance to go to a hospital, but turned it down. If you ask me, I have bigger problems than self-harm. But I guess I can't get to them if I don't work on cutting out the bullshit. 

Gonna try very very VERY hard to skip the sharps and work on the depression.

yay.

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5 hours ago, 3xEmonkey said:

Thanks, all. 

I told my counselor who then took away the sharp object in my purse and called my husband. 

I was offered the chance to go to a hospital, but turned it down. If you ask me, I have bigger problems than self-harm. But I guess I can't get to them if I don't work on cutting out the bullshit. 

Gonna try very very VERY hard to skip the sharps and work on the depression.

yay.

I believe in you :) 

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