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what's the worst part of BP for you?


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I wanted a thread where I could rant about the worst aspects of bipolar. 

For me, right now, it's the psychosis that goes along with both my ups and my downs. That's when I start hurting myself and that's when I end up in hospital. Without it, I might get through episodes without having to go IP so often.

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Overall lack or difficulty of reaching a certain amount of stability. 

Sleeping problems.

Irritability.

Floating from Manic certainty and 'naive' states of hope to insecure and hopeless.

No cure.

Medication side effects.

Slow progress of treatments.

Restrictive substances intake.

Periodically having to be absent from some activities that would make changes in sleeping patterns.

Having a routine that requires me to be vigilant about my nights of sleep.

Making harder to have a healthier life or 'constructing' healthier habits.

I would say that for me is extra hard to engage in exercises when I'm depressed or dealing with sleeping problems.

There's a sort of battle that I'm always fighting that is silent and invisible and causes me extra distress.

I don't know if it made harder for me to engage in 'society' or if it's a asocial trait. At least I think floatings in mood wouldn't make easier to maintain relationships.

The amount of time that takes to recover from one episode to another, for me it's extra harder when it's full blown manic followed by psychoses. At least this isn't happening since I stick with treatment.

It's harder following all those instructions to keep stability.

 

 

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I have SZA, but it has a mood component ... the main thing for me is the mood changes.  When I go to sleep, I never know what mood I will wake up in.  I could go to sleep in a good mood, then wake up in a depressed mood.  Also just the every day mood changes ... up and down and then up etc.  It seems like it never ends.

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Lately it's the state of constant vigilance my mind is in, always trying to analyze if I'm just having a bad day or am I starting on the road to the black pit, if I feel good how long will it last? Trying to use the mindfulness meditation stuff learned in therapy, but the anxiety breaks through it.

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16 minutes ago, Gearhead said:

The mood changes that come along and wipe out my ability to continue working on projects I've been nursing along for months, especially when other people are involved.

^This, completely. The unpredictability is awful. 

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Depression. Luckily for me I don't get depressed very often. But I hate it because I'm a naturally happy and optimistic person and it's not in my nature to feel so down so when the depression hits I feel depressed about being depressed as well as irritable and annoyed. When it happens all I can think is hurry up and get this over and done with I'm over it already.

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I feel like I've lost so much.

A week or so ago, I caught sight of myself in a department store window and thought, "I'll never be pretty again." The meds make me shake and sweat, give me pimples and have helped me gain a ton of weight. For newbies reading this: it isn't always this way, so don't despair. I'm just going through a rough patch meds-wise, with some extra side effects that we're trying to get under control.

I also feel like I've lost my chance to be spontaneous. I take 6 different meds, in various combinations, 5 times a day. Some with food, some only on an empty stomach. If one is late, dinner is late, bedtime meds might be late which has me sleeping late the next morning, and so it goes... I can't drop everything and grab a quick bite to eat, 9 pm movies are a thing of the past and concerts and late nights happen only once or twice a year now. If it's too hot or uncomfortable outside, I can't really handle too much time or activity outdoors. No pick-up games anymore, no "let's just walk around the city" nights.

I also miss drinking, even though I hardly did it when I could have. I'll be in a restaurant and see the drink specials or something lovely go by on a tray, and really miss the chance to have a cocktail once in a while.

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SLEEP. The need to prioritize keeping sleep regular and consistent. I loved being a night owl sometimes, and a morning person sometimes, and getting just a little or a lot of sleep sometimes, and napping however long I wanted, and to even consider the possibility of a traveling cheap by taking a red-eye flight. And, along those lines, jet lag is AWFUL - I can be out of it and worried and weeping for multiple days.

Also, blood draws. I've been getting them for 18 years (for my lith level) and I still hate them. At least by now I've trained myself to take deep breaths instead of holding my breath the whole time.

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On August 22, 2016 at 0:22 PM, dancesintherain said:

It's hard to reduce it to a few, but I think my inability to spot things early which results in hospitalization, the symptoms that cause said hospitalization, and the impact it has on my ability to live my life and otherwise function.

Apparently my brain decided to teach me that I'm way too hospitalization-focused.  I'll add when I get my hopes up that things are better in order to have them dashed; constantly questioning myself about everything to a degree not previously considered; having symptoms in inconvenient (read public) places.

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Just the fact that it has fucked me over completely.  I've spent *years* of my life disabled by depression.  I just can't seem to function normally for any sustained length of time.  My employment record is crap as a result.  Pretty sure that I still don't have enough work credits to even qualify for SSDI, should assistance become necessary at some point.  And to make matters worse, I'm a bridge burner.  I get in my super angry (possibly hypo) moods and run my mouth off to people who have wronged me (and trust me, I don't hold back on the obscenities and insults).  

Just...ugh.  Talk about shooting yourself in the foot.

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Isolation and loneliness. It may not be a direct effect of BP but it seems to be a consequence for me. Also all my efforts in life being savagely destroyed by becoming unstable. I can't handle much stress at all so cannot really take on much challenge without a high likelihood of becoming unwell and failing.

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It's two things for me:

1) The lost years out my life. All my school friends are finishing university and I got another year of college before I start uni.

2) Also the fact that even if my symptoms are mild now and the episodes are shorter which is brillant...I'm still cycling through moods.

I'm worried that if I get another period where my mood goes up, I'll stop my meds to stay elevated. I went through 6 weeks of being hypo, I went to T in the Park, I got a loan out, I even did coke which was stupid. I was lucky I didn't get worse but next time I could get worse and come off my meds. When hypo the temptation is strong. I don't want another full-blown episode that would kill all the progress I made.

However on the bright side I didn't come off them because they are workin

Edited by The Right Honourable Jimmy
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16 hours ago, philosophin said:

Just the fact that it has fucked me over completely.  I've spent *years* of my life disabled by depression.  I just can't seem to function normally for any sustained length of time.  My employment record is crap as a result.  Pretty sure that I still don't have enough work credits to even qualify for SSDI, should assistance become necessary at some point.  And to make matters worse, I'm a bridge burner.  I get in my super angry (possibly hypo) moods and run my mouth off to people who have wronged me (and trust me, I don't hold back on the obscenities and insults).  

Just...ugh.  Talk about shooting yourself in the foot.

If you don't have enough work hours for SSDI, you could still apply for SSI, and get help that way.

 

8 hours ago, mcjimjam said:

I can't handle much stress at all so cannot really take on much challenge without a high likelihood of becoming unwell and failing.

Me too.  I was actually thinking last night about if there was anything in the world that does not stress me out.  And everything I was thinking, gave me some stress in one way or another.  And you're right, it is very hard to do things successfully when stressed out all the time.

 

8 hours ago, The Right Honourable Jimmy said:

1) The lost years out my life.

^^This one to the nth.

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Aggression/Irritablity...break everything and let's fight feeling.

Insomnia

Hypersensitivity to sound and bright light

Increased agoraphobia/GAD

Thoughts of suicide/morbid thoughts

Distractibility....can't get anything done one step at a time....do it all at once!

Loneliness

Energy bomb...feels like you are exploding with raw energy. I get physically hot to the touch and sweat.

INTENSE cravings for sugar and salt.

Impulsive money spending....just can't stop!

Overall feeling of physical, mental, and emotional FRUSTRATION!

Edited by Poem
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fair number of those poem.  fortunately the suicidal/morbid thoughts have gone away for now, for me.  the aggression/irritability seemed to only really come in the context of akathisia (i think i need to feel anger before getting to that point).  and i don't have the high energy frequency thing. 

 

i'll toss on the fact that episodes might blend into each other but don't always, so for me at least, it's currently hard to ever get a concrete hold onto when things start and end.  and i need concrete-ness (that's not really the BP part). 

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I would say the instability and ups and downs and changing goals and swapping emotions and personality changes are difficult, and it is really hard to build anything when you have no idea who you are..or you do know who you would like to be but then the mind changes all the time...when you find something stable and what you want, you suddenly feel like not wanting it until you want ... confusion confusion,and messing things up ... and the confusion about who you are, and the changing mind, and that causes terrible anxiety when you can't be who you want, or that when your mind changes when you don't want it to change...the instability...

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