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killing myself with food part 2


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so i started a thred which kinda died out about my feeling that i was killing myself with food.

well to update i am currently

exercising again (positive)

cut down on the over eating

but throwing up just as often if not more regularly.

what can i do. i know all the suggestions of things u can do to avoid the behaviour but i just dont follow them none of them work for me.

to day i brought a magazine and couldnt get my eyes off this once chubby hollywood starlet who is now stick skinny and i am so jealous.

i want that so badly but dont have the power to be so determined to lose weight. i just make my self eat and throw up after every meal in an attempt to make myself skinny, but i know to get the results they have i need to stop eating.

my mind is getting more and more consumed with eating thoughts its taken over my brain almost.

i wonder how much of this my body can handle before it gives in.

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so i started a thred which kinda died out about my feeling that i was killing myself with food.

well to update i am currently

exercising again (positive)

cut down on the over eating

but throwing up just as often if not more regularly.

what can i do. i know all the suggestions of things u can do to avoid the behaviour but i just dont follow them none of them work for me.

to day i brought a magazine and couldnt get my eyes off this once chubby hollywood starlet who is now stick skinny and i am so jealous.

i want that so badly but dont have the power to be so determined to lose weight. i just make my self eat and throw up after every meal in an attempt to make myself skinny, but i know to get the results they have i need to stop eating.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

well, first off, finding the motivation to excersize again is awesome...

i know what you mean when you say that you want to lose weight so badly and yet dont have the power/strength/determination to do so.  i feel the same way and have for a long time.  no, throwing up after every meal is not good, but not eating isnt good either. 

i know that you know that it isnt healthy for you to do what you are doing.  but i also know full well that that will not always deter someone (including me) from doing something harmful to themselves.

can you please talk to your doctor about these overwhelming thoughts you are having?

i'm sorry if i am all off... i havent had computer access since 1/6 so i am *very* behind in everyone's current events.

take care and *please* dont stop writing AND you most certainly do belong.  im sorry that you have felt down bc of this too.

~Ophelia~

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Iona_Viona, you're doing a good thing by exercising to take care of your body and trying to not do it harm.  Getting to a place where you are okay and you are okay with food is terribly hard, but it's something that you can do if you really want to.  It takes time, and it takes help, and it takes experience (which mostly comes of doing things wrong, first), but you can do this. 

The problem is, you already know everything I could say to you.  You know the words, you know the tips, and you know the way things should be.  There is a great difference between head knowledge and heart knowledge (if I'm not getting all freaky spiritual mumbo jumbo on you), and I don't have the key that will move all this stuff you know into stuff you believe and do. 

You're right.  You need help.  I don't know exactly what form that help is going to take for you.  I care very much about what happens to you, but I worry that I'm going to say something stupid, insulting, hurtful, trite, or whatever, instead of communicating help and support. 

Perhaps some of this is being addressed with your therapist?  My own binging tends to coincide with periods of emotional upheaval or complete flatness.  Isn't the aim of therapy to learn to work through these emotions and develop healthy coping strategies?  Sometimes it stirs things up worse than they were before, but with the ultimate aim of repairing whatever emotional limb was broken.  Binging and purging are both maladaptive coping strategies that take on a life of their own.  Still, psychotherapy is the realm of modern medicine which is most likely to help. 

I don't know what the system is like in your part of Australia, but are there any inpatient programs which treat people with problems like yours?  Is there any reputable place where you could be treated for your eating disorder?  Is there someplace which could help your full complement of interlinked diagnoses, which probably influence your ED in different ways?  Your most recent posts, especially, like your above rhetorical question about how much longer your body can last, suggest you might be best helped by an inpatient program for eating disorders.  There's a buttload of work involved, but there's a buttload of struggle involved on your own, too.  Maybe a program (preferably a holistic one which would look at the effects of BPD, self-injury and bipolar) could provide a sort of useful, outside structure so you could work things under a new form of healthy control. 

It's almost five o'clock in the morning, and I'm basically just rambling here.  Iona_Viona, you've been around the boards a very long time, and I would hate to see you go because you feel you're not wanted.  Leave only when you're ready to leave.  We want you here.  You are welcome. 

Take care of yourself. 

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thanks for your replies i am just at my wits ends, i have just come out of hospital where none of this was really addressed and i guess i didnt learn how to deal any better with this. i am so tired of this illnesss i just want it to go away i cant get passed it.

it seems all consuming. my whole life is focused around this illness i have and i cant seem to break its grip.

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Like Imnop said everything that has been said once has already been said before.

I myself have been struggling with an eating disorder for 8 years now. I have been hospitilized twice and in one month I am signing myself off for residental care.

I too am really, really, really fucking fed up with what this eating disorder has done to my life. I have had tons of wrecked relationships, friendships, and missed out on god knows how many opportunities because of it. I've spent more than thousands of $$ on inpatient care and it continues...

The reason why people prob. dont respond is that their in a really hard part of their illness too. I hope you find help though IV, I really do. Good luck.

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thanks for your replies i am just at my wits ends, i have just come out of hospital where none of this was really addressed and i guess i didnt learn how to deal any better with this. i am so tired of this illnesss i just want it to go away i cant get passed it.

it seems all consuming. my whole life is focused around this illness i have and i cant seem to break its grip.

"When the process appears to be stuck, something wonderful is right around the corner."  The barefoot doctor.

Karuna posted that on another thread.  Not to be terribly flippant, but I like trying to apply it.  Perhaps, sometimes, the doctor is right. 

I'm sorry that "none of this was really addressed" when you tried seeking help from the hospital.  There are some programs which try to work on all facets of the problem, since EDs roughly never pop up out of the blue, but apparently that isn't the approach at the place nearest you. 

Plan B: create your own.  This is hard, and I've never done it myself.  I've only seen it done.  I was never a direct part of the process, so I'll probably sound like an ass in trying to explain.  Basically, my friend sought out one other, stable person to be her counselor.  This person was her source of unconditional acceptance until, I guess, she learned to accept herself.  She also sought spiritual counseling, as her religion was very important to her, and dabbled in traditional therapy.  She tried exercising.  It didn't really work for her, long-term, but moderate exercise (not working yourself until you pass out, but also not a snail's pace slog to the corner store) produces all sorts of feel-good chemical reactions in the brain, in addition to toning your body, keeping it in good working order.  She tried her best to eat healthily, in moderation.  All of these things were mostly pulled together by her safe go-to person, making them all one big, real, healing thing.

You've probably tried all of these things at various points, but together, over a long enough period of time, they can take hold in place of the eating disorder.  Whether you're bulimic or only binging, you can get over it.  It takes the right circumstances, it takes will, and it takes time.  The ED is always there, sometimes passively staying in its little box in the past, other times prowling.  With enough of the right things, though, you can grow stronger than the ED. 

How close are you to your therapist?  How safe do you feel?  How much trust do you have?  What sorts of things do you discuss?  How much of your session time addresses your ED?  Do you feel like therapy is helping?  What is it helping with?  What do you think therapy should be helping with?  Is it possible to take a new angle with your therapist and work on these things? 

Part of therapy is looking beyond the obvious.  The immediate answer to a question might not be the meaningful one.  There could be so many things hiding under that quick answer, and even though it seems stupid to be looking beyond an answer that is SO obvious, you just want to say "duh!" this might be very important.  Even when its uncomfortable, it might be what is necessary.  The usual metaphor is that of re-breaking a bone which has healed crookedly in order to set it the right way.  I feel this inadequate, but it's all I can think of right now. 

In fact, that's really all I can think of right now.  I am not Grand Wonder Genius, but I care about what happens with you.  Maybe a few words helped.  Maybe not.  Have a good night, Iona Viona. 

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my shrink today has decided to send me to one of his collegues who is a DR of psychology to get his opinion on my medical condition as i seem to be going nowhere fast with my current treatment plan.

the meds dont work and i cant stop making myself sick. hopefully this will help. i like all the ideas presented here to me its just the "doing" part that i find hard.

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The "doing" part is always the hardest part.  My binging goes through peaks and valleys, but I still binge.  Other people get their asses kicked by other things.  Hell, even Jesus admitted "the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."  I hope you never read my posts as blaming you for not being all better now that you have all of this wonderful knowledge, because I never, ever mean them that way. 

If I could pull some of this magical willpower out from its transdimensional portal and give it to you, I would.  Instead, I'll just hope that this new doctor of psychology can provide something helpful and new to your process, and that maybe today goes a little bit better than yesterday. 

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It may sound like a harsh thing to say but as someone with an eating disorder, alcoholism and self injury issues I know where I am coming from. I don't mean to sound harsh here, and please forgive me if I do, but as I am in recovery, these are the things that have assisted me in regaining self-control.

I have realized that at the end of the day, nobody can save you from self-destruction but yourself. Your psychiatrist can't do it, your psychologist can't do it, your meds can't do it, your parents can't do it, your friends can't do it, an internet community can't do it. They can offer support and help but ultimately, the only person that can save you is you. I have realized that it was MY choice to do stupid, unprofitable things such as binging and puking, cutting myself, overdosing and drinking myself into oblivion. These are all stupid, pointless behaviours that only serve to harm yourself and the people around you.  It was my choice to engage in them. Wrong decision.  ;)

It may be hard to do, but you need to build upon the positives - like exercizing and abstaining from self-injury - which are great things. You should take great pride in this and say to yourself "Well from small foundations, great things are built". If you can exert self-control in these areas, you can choose to exert self-control in others and work upon a sensible diet plan that is not too strict and you feel comfortable with. It is very hard but if you can manage to do it, you will feel so much self-respect (because binging and vomiting makes people feel like a worthless, out-of-control piece of crap) and pride. At least you recognize your problems and you are attempting to do something about them. That is great, give yourself a pat on the back, plan your next goal and keep up the good work. :) Remember nothing is impossible and the power lies within you. I know anorexics and bulimics who have gotten their lives together after 25 years of sheer hell.

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  • 8 months later...

Iona - I know how you feel, Oh god yes!

That is how I've spent the vast majority of the last 3 or so years. A typical day for me would be - no breakfast, no lunch, but maybe some coffee (with milk and sugar cos I was so damn hungry), other hot drinks to keep me warm and energised. I'd eat something in the evening - sometimes I'd binge - then I'd have to throw up because I felt so guilty, as I'd ruined a perfectly good day's not eating.

Luckily, for the last two days I haven't purged. However, I'm restricting a lot - all I've had today is a small mixed salad and a carton of orange juice. If possible I will avoid eating anything else. A couple of very small, preferably low calorie meals a day is about as much as I can manage without having to throw up.

This sort of ED is a terrible contradiction and an awful strain on your body. I've mainly tried to give up purging because I'm scared for my teeth.

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Okay, so I gave in and got a hot chocolate and a packet of softmints from the vending machine when I went to choir practice but I think I needed them at the time so I'm not feeling too bad.

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