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I saw someone post something like this here when I was googling this, but the person did have diagnosed disorders. From what I know, I don't have any diagnosed mental illnesses. But I do have intrusive thoughts.

I've had them since I was young; most likely high school. I have intrusive thoughts about many things, whether they involved sexual thoughts about people higher above me (they weren't even attractive to me), thoughts about hurting my dear kittens which I would never want to do, thoughts of insulting people I love to see their reactions, other horrible thoughts that I'd rather not say... They always did bother me, and I was always terrified that I would act on these urges. I always thought of myself as a terrible person and a monster for thinking stuff like this, and I never knew this was an actual ailment until recently. 

Thing is, like I said, I'm not diagnosed with depression, or anxiety, or OCD or anything really. Then again, I was only really tested for anything once, and that was for ADHD when I was like five (which, turns out I didnt have it). But other than that, I haven't gone to a therapist or a doctor like that ever. So I have no idea where this problem is stemming from. I'm afraid of telling my mom because... well, I don't really know. She just seems very certain that there's nothing wrong with me and it's just something I have to live with because "everyone has these thoughts sometimes." Which I get, but... I've had these kinds of thoughts for five years now, and because of them I just feel super uncomfortable when I'm with my manager (because, of course, those certain horrible thoughts moved from one of my teachers to my current manager at work. yaaaaay) and it's just... horrible.

I guess what I'm trying to ask here is; does everything I explained here seem like your average intrusive thoughts that everyone has? Can intrusive thoughts as severe as they come be without a diagnosis of anxiety or depression or OCD? I don't really know what else, I guess I just really needed to talk about this..

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I think that you should get a referral to a psychiatrist and discuss this with them because if it is affecting your life then it is a problem that needs to be dealt with. It wouldn't hurt to also find a therapist to talk out these thoughts and get their input.

I know it sounds like I am passing the buck because you came here for help, but the truth is we can't diagnose and can just give our experience.

I do have a diagnosis of OCD and some of what you describe does sound familiar though the themes were different and I developed compulsions to deal with them.

As I said, it's a problem that is distressing you. Therefore, it is worth getting checked out.

Welcome to CB!

Edited by jt07
Because proofreading is just too much trouble
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5 minutes ago, jt07 said:

 

Thank you for the input as well as the warm welcome! I have actually been thinking of seeing someone for a while. The thing is, I've lived my life up to this point thinking that there was nothing really wrong with my brain, with my mom convincing me that there's nothing wrong with me. That she says it's just who I am and I'll get over it in time. But I don't want all of this to be who I am, and I want better answers... If anything, the response I'm writing now is making me want to talk to a doctor more, lol. I want to know why I'm thinking like this, what in my brain exactly is causing all of this trouble, and how I can stop it. 

So, uh... thanks! Again!

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32 minutes ago, rickie said:

I've had them since I was young; most likely high school. I have intrusive thoughts about many things, whether they involved sexual thoughts about people higher above me (they weren't even attractive to me), thoughts about hurting my dear kittens which I would never want to do, thoughts of insulting people I love to see their reactions, other horrible thoughts that I'd rather not say... They always did bother me, and I was always terrified that I would act on these urges. I always thought of myself as a terrible person and a monster for thinking stuff like this, and I never knew this was an actual ailment until recently. 

not all of the things you mention are similar to my intrusive thoughts, but they've similar enough themes for what you describe to be relatable. mine tend to be graphically violent images/scenes. they always have to do with things close to me; e.g. my dog, my friends, and, most recently, my child. 

i can absolutely relate to the first part of your last sentence, too: i've wondered how i could have these images and thoughts pop into my head unless i was a seriously sick fuck somewhere deep down inside and wanted to do those things. my psychiatrist and ocd group facilitator have assured me that that's not the case and there is no latent desire, it's just that i have ocd of a particular variety. see, i always associated ocd with checking and germophobia and more "known" presentations. plus, i was afraid to tell anyone fearing i'd learn i was, indeed, wanting to harm those around me. i also, even now, won't discuss the contents in detail because i'm afraid on some level that if i do, they'll come to pass. and then i'd be responsible. 

all of that previous paragraph has been identified by mental health professionals as my having ocd, so if that's relatable, you should talk to someone who can tell you for sure what you're dealing with. 

32 minutes ago, rickie said:

She just seems very certain that there's nothing wrong with me and it's just something I have to live with because "everyone has these thoughts sometimes." Which I get, but... I've had these kinds of thoughts for five years now, and because of them I just feel super uncomfortable when I'm with my manager (because, of course, those certain horrible thoughts moved from one of my teachers to my current manager at work. yaaaaay) and it's just... horrible.

no offense to your mum, but she's not in the mental health field, i take it, and even if she were she can't ethically diagnose or fail to diagnose her family members. why she insists that this is how everyone is...i don't know. maybe she just doesn't know much about mental health and doesn't want her child dealing with a disorder...maybe she can't bring herself to believe it...who knows. what i'm certain of is that you need to speak with a professional. if it turns out you don't have ocd or unusual intrusive thoughts, then no harm in double checking. if it turns out you do have ocd (which, by the way, no it is NOT the case that everyone has intrusive thoughts of harming others and is afraid they'll do it...no, that's not an "average person experience"), i will mention this: pursuing treatment for my ocd has been life altering. the images have always haunted me, but when they turned to feature my newborn daughter i became actively suicidal. which, i'm not going to say that's where you're headed and i have other diagnoses that play a role in my having difficult thoughts, but the violent intrusive ones are ocd, straight up, and getting treatment has made my life livable again. so, if that is it, getting help and pursuing treatment could save you years of torture, or at least give you coping mechanisms for them.

32 minutes ago, rickie said:

I guess what I'm trying to ask here is; does everything I explained here seem like your average intrusive thoughts that everyone has?

i truly don't think the average person has intrusive thoughts and identifies them as such, because they're not deeply disturbing. yours sound like you are genuinely affected by having these ideas push themselves on you and you're worried about them. it's not the most talked about way ocd presents in people, and ONLY a mental health professional can say for certain what's going on with you, but you sound really relatable and i think that's enough to encourage you to seek a professional opinion.

i hope that helps and best wishes to you xx

-melli

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3 minutes ago, mellifluous said:

 

Thank you for the advice, melli. I know my mom means well, but I guess it's also that I haven't told her how often these happen to me, and how dark these thoughts really get. There are worse ones I have that I haven't even told anyone (including on this board) like you. She has studied psychology in college, so she has some knowledge about the human brain, but I think it's more at a basic psychology level.

I may have been a bit dramatic in the way I presented what I was dealing with because I was feeling so emotional when I typed all of that up, but I'm a little calmer now and I've thought about it. I mean, they defiitely exist. And they definitely bother me a lot, but I don't think they're as often as I was projecting they were. It's not something I have to deal with 24/7; somehow, I'm able to forget about them (but it does take a lot of time and effort, like I have to force them out). But like I said, it's enough to make me feel uncomfortable being alone with one of the people I have those thoughts about, as well as getting very upset when it's something like hurting an animal. 

I'm sorry if I seem like a broken record here, and I know I should just go talk to a doctor already, but I just want to be very sure that this isn't just something my mind is doing to me because of the glorification of mental illness that there is nowadays. I want to make sure that this is me realizing I do have an actual problem.

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No, it is not who you are. It is causing you distress. As meli said, your mom is not in the mental health field. There are some people who are just opposed to mental health treatment and some who don't want to believe that a member of their family needs help. My advice is don't listen to her and see a psychiatrist. If there truly is nothing wrong, then the psychiatrist will tell you that. Otherwise, he or she will be able to treat you and put your mind at ease.

I also agree with melli that the average person doesn't have intrusive thoughts to the point where it interferes with their lives. You are suffering because of this and you deserve answers.

It's actually no big deal to see a psychiatrist. Well, the wait to get to see one is sometimes a big deal, but once you get in, seeing the psychiatrist is the easiest doctor you will ever see. You just talk. Psychiatrists have the expertise to diagnose and treat problems like yours as opposed to a family doctor who might prescribe a low dose of an antidepressant and that's it.

You don't have to live wondering what's going on and you don't have to live with these thoughts. Help is out there.

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8 minutes ago, rickie said:

Thank you for the advice, melli. I know my mom means well, but I guess it's also that I haven't told her how often these happen to me, and how dark these thoughts really get. There are worse ones I have that I haven't even told anyone (including on this board) like you. She has studied psychology in college, so she has some knowledge about the human brain, but I think it's more at a basic psychology level.

I may have been a bit dramatic in the way I presented what I was dealing with because I was feeling so emotional when I typed all of that up, but I'm a little calmer now and I've thought about it. I mean, they defiitely exist. And they definitely bother me a lot, but I don't think they're as often as I was projecting they were. It's not something I have to deal with 24/7; somehow, I'm able to forget about them (but it does take a lot of time and effort, like I have to force them out). But like I said, it's enough to make me feel uncomfortable being alone with one of the people I have those thoughts about, as well as getting very upset when it's something like hurting an animal. 

I'm sorry if I seem like a broken record here, and I know I should just go talk to a doctor already, but I just want to be very sure that this isn't just something my mind is doing to me because of the glorification of mental illness that there is nowadays. I want to make sure that this is me realizing I do have an actual problem.

you're most welcome : )

i'm writing again because i want to say something about the part of your post i bolded above. it's ok not to know if you have a diagnosable condition. that's WHY you go to talk to someone. i think, in fact, it's ideal that you go in saying "i don't know; here's what's going on with me". you could even print out your opening post and just hand it over. most likely what'll happen is the person will ask you questions. just do your best to answer as fully as you can, but it's ok to say "i don't feel comfortable answering that further", too.

you don't have to know, is my point...you go to talk to someone to find out : ) and i get that you are concerned that you don't really have a problem and are exaggerating, but this is clearly on your mind. if it turns out you don't have ocd...great! maybe that'll bring you some peace. if it turns out you do...great! maybe that'll open up treatment options for you that'll bring you some peace. in other words: the only thing that won't likely bring you peace is not going in. and, you know, i imagine a professional would be relieved that you're not coming in saying you've gone through xyz criteria and the dsm and you know you have these five things. just keep yourself as open as possible to finding out what's going on and try to trust that you're not going to be judged as glorifying mental illness no matter what by someone who's trained to diagnose people.

Edited by mellifluous
forgot to bold the section i's addressing
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47 minutes ago, jt07 said:

 

 

42 minutes ago, mellifluous said:

 

For real, thanks to the both of you for advising me; I'll definitely try to find a psychiatrist in the area to talk to about all of this, but for now, talking about it on this forum really chilled me out. 

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I'm diagnosed bipolar. I have intrusive thoughts similar to what you describe. I try to find something random or positive to think about when it happens, like maybe a project I want to complete. Or try to notice nice things around me like pretty scenery or interesting architecture. I try to use more productive thoughts to help me stay focused. My best advice is try not to be stressed about it. 

 

 

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