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Asparagus

My boyfriend isn't very funny?

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Hello everyone, 

I have recently had a good chunk of time off of work and have been able to really get to focus on my boyfriend the past few months. I have been a lot more relaxed than when I am working and have found myself a lot goofier and happier than before. 

I love my renewed sense of humour but there is only one problem: my boyfriend of two years is not one to quickly share in the jokes. 

If I act beyond goofy I can get him to crack a smile or a light chuckle but sometimes he just stays serious and doesn't respond. He occasionally makes his own jokes but they are really not my sense of humour most of the time. 

I was hoping our senses of humour would be more similar by now. We have potty humour at the very least. I was hoping we'd have tickling but he hates being tickled and compares it to somebody ripping his hair out. 

This would be the only disappointing characteristic in our relationship. When he met me I was covered in awful acne and he loved me through it. I now have my healthy face back and as always he is a supportive rock and loves me unconditionally. He has helped me calm down and is the world's greatest anxiety treatment I have ever encountered although the fact that we cannot play and joke more together is somewhat disappointing. I also follow a very strict food schedule due to sensitivities and he has happily converted his eating habits to make sure that we are eating the same food. 

At the end of the day, he is a really amazing guy. I just find myself one, twice, three times a month or more wondering where the humour is. I find myself thinking back to the boys that used to flirt/banter with me and how we'd be gut laughing. These men were never mature enough unfortunately to take me on a real date yet the humour we exchanged is something I still miss. 

I feel like I've reentered my family structure in some ways. My father who shares my sense of humour was never laughed with by my mother or other siblings yet others find him hilarious as I always have. I always thought it was such a shame that he didn't get to share his humour with my mother because she didn't get it. Their marriage isn't exactly perfect and I wonder how much less stressful it would be if she could laugh at his jokes.

All in all, am I just being a spoiled, self-centred brat for wanting the full package? He really is God's gift to women in most ways he just isn't very funny. I once found it amazing how seriously he would listen to me and offer sage advice. Now I just wish sometimes he could crack a joke in the moment and make me laugh hard. I've never belly laughed unless he does something by accident/slapstick that makes me laugh. 

If anyone has any insight I'd love to hear it. I feel really lonely without more shared humour but I don't think I should necessarily make it a deal breaker as he has really been the stable thing in my life that has gotten me back on track in a lot of ways. How unfair that now that he has loved me back to life, I'm feeling very alive and am wondering why he hasn't evolved to also have my renewed sense of humour. 

Thank you for any thoughts you may have. 

Edited by Asparagus

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I have no proof, but I believe that a person's sense of humor is innate. I don't think you can change someone's sense of humor. I know that I am serious most of the time, but I do have a peculiar sense of humor that not everyone gets. We are all different in that way, but some people's senses of humor are more similar than others'. It's obvious to me that you put a high value on a sense of humor similar to your own. 

So I don't know what to advise. Is this something so important to you that it's a deal breaker for the relationship? I think that is the question you have to answer and nobody can answer it for you.

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Wow. That is a hard one. I've been married for 16+ years and humor is such a big part of who I am and how I communicate that I can't imagine not being able to share it with my husband. And I pretty much agree with jt that a person's sense of humor is innate to their personality and isn't going to change. 

Are there other things that you can share that can make up for this deficit? Not just things you feel he does for you, but things you enjoy doing together? Hiking or things like that, that would give you something to talk about?

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Its been more than a year later and I find myself still full of uncertainty and mild distress. 

When I'm at work I've found a few coworkers who share my humour and instantly I feel better and confident and connected.

 

When I'm at home alone with my boyfriend all is calm. However I find myself feeling alone. He asks about my day and I ask about his. We cuddle and talk and its all very nice. But it feels like something is missing. In a world where I have someone who loves me so unconditionally I somehow feel immense fear of living a lonely but loved life with my partner. 

 

He went away for a week  so I went to live with my parents and older siblings who still live at home. Despite my boyfriends regular compliments being gone and his presence I found myself having more confidence, joy, and motivation than prior. When I met my boyfriend again after that week at our home I wasn't even very excited. I felt like I had left somewhere where I was seen as funny and had entered back into a situation where I get all the hugs I want but very rare humour recognition and never anything for me to gut laugh at. 

 

I feel so bad to say but when I picture the energy of my partner and I it feels like an energized and creative soul ready to play next to a soul with the presence of emptiness/air nothing more. 

I still can't imagine saying yes to a marriage proposal even though he us a great guy and loves me so unconditionally. I really still don't know what to do and fear Im wasting my time/prolonging the inevitable. 

 

 

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I should add we do our best to go out at least once a week. I am a teacher still in my beginning years so that definitely has put stress on us as I often always busy marking this or planning that. He tries to understand my job but his world of computer programming is very different. I've tried turning to God and meditation to satisfy my longing instead but I don't think it has satieted the hunger or eased the concern. 

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It would really, really, really suck if my husband and I didn't enjoy the same type of humor. We make each other laugh out loud every day. I'm a very cynical person, I don't feel that safe being sweet or compliant, so I communicate with humor.

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It does really suck. At the same time I've never had a boyfriend this good so I suppose fear holds me back and perhaps also wanting to make sure I'm not making a mistake. His family is lovely and he is a great listener and helps out and supports me quite well. I know humour isn't as important to him. Sometimes he can laugh at my jokes and sometimes I laugh at his, it just isn't that cosmic connection via jokes that I seem to easily feels with some others. It's nice to be with someone so loyal and deep so I find myself in a teeter totter of happily staying and being grateful, to feeling deprived and starved of humour connection and fun. As a poster said above, I still have to figure out how important humour is to me. Why do I look at other couples with envy and long for waht they have? Am I fooling myself? I always want to spend as much time with my partner as possible because I "love him" and yet sometimes I resent him and wish I had time to pursue other potential romantic candidates now that men have had the opportunity to mature (I hope) a bit in the past three years. Perhaps it is the human condition to always want something that you don't have. I know it could be worse. I get caught up on the , could it be better? The childhood dream of having a partner who made me laugh a lot. By the same token, I have a friend who is male who used to make me laugh a lot and then it just got to be too many nonstop jokes that the humour became exhausting. Maybe I am making a big deal about the humour because there is something below the surface that doesn't feel quite right. I just find myself stuck in fear. 

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9 hours ago, Asparagus said:

It does really suck. At the same time I've never had a boyfriend this good so I suppose fear holds me back and perhaps also wanting to make sure I'm not making a mistake.

His family is lovely and he is a great listener and helps out and supports me quite well. I know humour isn't as important to him. Sometimes he can laugh at my jokes and sometimes I laugh at his, it just isn't that cosmic connection via jokes that I seem to easily feels with some others. It's nice to be with someone so loyal and deep so I find myself in a teeter totter of happily staying and being grateful, to feeling deprived and starved of humour connection and fun. As a poster said above, I still have to figure out how important humour is to me.

Why do I look at other couples with envy and long for waht they have? Am I fooling myself? I always want to spend as much time with my partner as possible because I "love him" and yet sometimes I resent him and wish I had time to pursue other potential romantic candidates now that men have had the opportunity to mature (I hope) a bit in the past three years. Perhaps it is the human condition to always want something that you don't have. I know it could be worse. I get caught up on the , could it be better? The childhood dream of having a partner who made me laugh a lot. By the same token, I have a friend who is male who used to make me laugh a lot and then it just got to be too many nonstop jokes that the humour became exhausting. Maybe I am making a big deal about the humour because there is something below the surface that doesn't feel quite right. I just find myself stuck in fear. 

I can relate to your dilemma...Fortunately, my spouse does have a sense of humor, however, it's that immature, low-grade, "little boy" humor. He thinks the film "dumb & dumber" is hilarious, or those home video stunt fails where people crash, fall, explode rockets and hurt themselves....It annoys me because he is a highly intellectual person with doctorate degree, so I'm often shocked at the things that he finds funny. Like you though, his other qualities (kindness, honesty, commitment etc) balance things out. I try to look for other people with my same dark/ironic sort of humor elsewhere...

It's totally true "the grass is always greener" Other people's relationships are always gonna seem better/perfect or whatever, but truth is, no relationship (or person) is perfect. You can try to prioritize what traits/qualities are "must haves" and which are "deal breakers" but in the end, there is no perfect mate. I've also dated people with an awesome sense of humor/energy - and I could not for the life of me, hold a serious conversation with them. They'd always make a joke out of everything. So it goes both ways...

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On 11/7/2017 at 5:50 PM, Asparagus said:

He went away for a week  so I went to live with my parents and older siblings who still live at home. Despite my boyfriends regular compliments being gone and his presence I found myself having more confidence, joy, and motivation than prior. When I met my boyfriend again after that week at our home I wasn't even very excited. I felt like I had left somewhere where I was seen as funny and had entered back into a situation where I get all the hugs I want but very rare humour recognition and never anything for me to gut laugh at. 

 

I feel so bad to say but when I picture the energy of my partner and I it feels like an energized and creative soul ready to play next to a soul with the presence of emptiness/air nothing more. 

I still can't imagine saying yes to a marriage proposal even though he us a great guy and loves me so unconditionally. I really still don't know what to do and fear Im wasting my time/prolonging the inevitable. 

 

On 11/8/2017 at 3:51 AM, Asparagus said:

At the same time I've never had a boyfriend this good so I suppose fear holds me back

 

Two years ago, I was in a relationship with a guy who was very nice to me.  He was definitely the best boyfriend I'd ever had at the time.  He seemed to really enjoy doting on me, complimenting me, etc., and it was pleasant enough to be around him, but I couldn't help feeling like something was missing.  We didn't communicate easily, and humor was part of that.  We'd laugh at the same TV shows and stuff, but when it came to our own conversations, something just didn't click.  I felt ungrateful because he was really so sweet, and I never quite felt like I deserved the affection.  I figured that it takes time to really connect with someone, but it didn't seem to improve.  Eventually, I decided that I couldn't keep existing in that relationship, and took the painful step of breaking up with him. 

Six months later, I met my husband, who I clicked with almost immediately, and we make each other laugh all the time.

Now, I'm not saying that you should definitely break up with this guy.  He sounds like a genuinely good person, and having someone who knows how to help you during anxiety attacks is a major pro, in my opinion.  But if you can't see a future with him, that's also not a great sign.  It almost sounds like you feel obligated to stay with him because he's kind to you.  That's kind of how I felt with my ex.  If that's the case, that's not really fair to either of you.

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I am currently in the nearly exact same situation with my boyfriend of 2 years. My boyfriend loves me despite my occasional difficulty, treats me well, wants to help support me and help me better my life, but a big part of how I connect with people is with laughter. I'm scared I jumped into falling for him without fully considering this aspect and that I'm inevitably wasting our time even though I desperately don't want, "You're not funny enough," to be the reason. He's the first partner I've ever had and I ended up pretty lucky aside from the humor aspect. Obviously you don't have to tell if you aren't comfortable, but I'm interested to know what you ended up doing about your relationship with this man. 

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Old thread but the title made me laugh. GSOH is important. I don't mean to boast but I'm more confident in my ability to make a woman laugh than I am in my ability to make her orgasm. And I'm not especially confident in my ability to make her laugh, which is probably why I'm single. Did you hear the one about the chicken who crossed the road? Firebombed a KFC and killed 7 people, it was horrific. I also have quite a dark sense of humour, which not everyone appreciates. 

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If you make women laugh whilst attempting to make them orgasm, that is not necessarily a reason for confidence.

 In my case, should physical intimacy be in the offing, I run considerable risk in engaging in conversation because I can far too easily get caught up in the dialogue and then make some ill-advised attempt at  a joke that the other person responds to with a pause, a blink, and then, “Can we just get on with it?”

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12 hours ago, Cerberus said:

If you make women laugh whilst attempting to make them orgasm, that is not necessarily a reason for confidence.

Probably not a good sign, though sex is ridiculous and should be a laughing matter. Maybe not a good idea to launch into a routine in the middle of it. "Have you heard the one about the German businessman playing golf?" "THAT'S THE WRONG HOLE!" "Oh so you have heard that one. No need to sound so angry, I know some other jokes. Oh! I see what you mean. Sorry." Yes I'm ashamed of myself and my filthy sense of humour. Did I mention that I'm single? Quelle fucking surprise!

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