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I'm not borderline...


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My doctor says I'm borderline, but I don't think I am borderline. I would rather say "I'm not borderline." but there are so many things...

I'm a compulsive spender. I'll steal my mom's credit card and spend it on stupid stuff, even though I know I'll regret it later and she'll scream at me.

I can't do anything stable! I dropped out of high school. Then I regret it, so I got my GED and pushed hard to get into a very good university, and I did. I wanted to get into forensic science. But then I decided not to, so I dropped out of college and decided I wanted to join the army and someday become a general. Now it seems that I can't get into the army because of my medication, and at the moment, I don't really care, like my determination to get in is fading. Now I'm looking to college again to become a doctor.

...but I know that when I get into college, I'll just drop out again. I quit all my jobs, I just do things I regret spontaneously... if these are symptoms of borderline disorder, how am I supposed to get them to go away? I want to do something with my life other than constantly changing directions and getting nothing done.

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Niz,

I don't understand... are you rejecting "being a borderline" because you actually disagree with the diagnosis or because it's a really hard thing to come to terms with?

Both are acceptable answers.  You don't have to know right now.  It's just a question to think about, I guess, if you haven't.

Learning to leave behind self-destructive behaviors and picking up new, constructive skills is a really hard thing to do.  I haven't done it yet, really.    Medication has helped me to a point (I did a lot of stupid stuff because I felt shitty... and I'm not as moody or emotionally reactive on meds), and I really do believe that some form of therapy is part of the solution (I have unfortunately not found a therapist that I jibe with)... I don't know what else is.  If I knew, maybe I'd be further down the path!

Do you have other diagnoses?  Do you have a therapist and/or psychiatrist?  Are you on meds?  These may be places to look to start with.

Being a borderline is not a death sentence!  It's actually kind of a neat/creative/resourceful way to look at the world, in one perspective.  Of course, it's totally maladaptive and doesn't work very well. . . but I genuinely believe there is some root spirit to BPD which is fucking cool.  I think most of the borderlines on this board are fucking cool (even though some of you have your moments...haha...kidding, mostly).

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Becca is right, I don't think that anyone is particularly happy and comfortable with getting a BPD diagnosis, I think we do have a duty to ourselves and the people in our lives to look at ourselves and see if we truly do fit the categories. You've described maybe two out of the nine indicators, do you have a history of mood swings, aggression, feelings of emptiness, intense relationships, sefl harm or suicide attempts/threats?

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Becca: I'm not rejecting it, I'm just confused, I guess. When I look at the traits of BPD, one of them is self-harm/suicidal, and I have never felt the urge to kill myself, and I'm too afraid of pain to cause myself harm. Right now I'm on Lamictal (for Complex Partial Seizure Disorder) and I've also been officially dx'ed with DID and ADHD. I'm thinking that if I am BPD, then the ADHD must be a part of that rather than it's own seperate... thing.

karuna: Yes, I'm not very comfortable with it at all. I do have mood swings (I was dx'ed as bipolar II a while back ago, but apparently it's BPD instead) I've felt pretty empty at times, but never really aggressive. And I've been in horrible relationships. We talk, and I do love them, but the moment they leave, that feeling of love leaves, too. And I start thinking I don't need a relationship because I don't feel any love... but when they return, it all comes back and I wonder why I ever thought that way in the first place.

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Guest luli2545

instability of affect

instability of behavior

instability of relationships

instability of self image

there's another one i forget

Teenagers, addicts and borderlines....all have the most marvelous traits!!!

picture a continuum (sp)

borderline just means more of some of the above than is helpful to the person.

we all have some of the above. ALL of us.

it's like with batterers; change is possible if there's desire to change

dbt is good. BUT, the best programs have like 3 groups a day for 5 days a week. It works.

groups on: emotional regulation (heh heh), relationships etc.

dbt is great stuff. Private $$ can pay for it; most insurances don't. But there's usually Axis one stuff, mood disorders that are paid for usually at least in some way. Axis one.

It's just a word. Label. useful in some ways. Not something to be ashamed of any more than if you had dedpression. Like, it's not anyone's fault they have any of this crap. Like, did you wake up and say, boy, I really want to be unstable!!!

We have choices. You do have choices. Choose to manage whatever is there for you. I choose to manage my depression/anxiety/body/spirit etc. It's my life.

You can do it!

Lulipost-991-1137208324.jpg

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Hey Niz,

I'm diagnosed as BPD as well...and you know what?  When I first read the DSM I literally felt like they made an illness just for me..as in, it was scary the level to which I could relate to every single criteria.  Course, this may not be the case with you...but once I kept reading about the stigma that comes with a BPD diagnosis I began to dislike my own Dx.  Do you think you just don't want to see yourself as BPD because we are seen as "difficult" to treat?? If that isn't the reason you reject the Dx, have you talked about bipolar??  I just recently began discussing bipolar with my docs and have gotten a definitive BP II diagnosis now.  Apparently these two disorders have tons in common and are closely related.  It could be that you are just bipolar and not BPD or maybe both like me, or maybe just BPD plain and simple.....

just saying, keep exploring things.  I feel like it takes LOTS of talk and time to come up with a Dx that really fits.  No mental illness is uncomplicated...sucks ass but I know you know this crap takes time.... ;)

HUGS!!!

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I suppose what is important is that the symptoms, what bothers you and others around you, get treated and that you live a more fulfilling life, whether its called BPD or not.

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robotlove29: I'm just the opposite  ;) I had a bipolar dx, but later I apparently found out I had BPD instead.

DrummingCuresAll: I have DID, it can actually be pretty interesting sometimes, I was dx'ed a long time ago, and I never told my parents, rather my doc says if I feel uncomfortable telling them then I should wait (it's my parents' fault, after all) so I'm pretty content with my parents knowing only my BPD dx and not my other one...

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I know you from the community on LJ :)

I'm amigone on LJ too :P

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

You do? ;) Which one? I'm on both multiplicity and borderline.

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