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This obsessive thought has disabled my functioning in life.  It has turned off the functions of my brain that allow me to be fully functional in life.  It has also turned off a certain faculty.  It has turned off my ability to push in order to get a bowel movement out.

I try to push to get it out, but I am barely able to push at all.  My mind would have to be fully comfortable, relaxed, and not worried about anything at all in order to get the bowel movement out.  I am not constipated at all.  The bowel is soft.  But I am unable to push to get it out.

There is no physical issue going on here.  This is all a mental issue here that is preventing me from having a bowel movement.  Even the urge to have a bowel movement is turned off.  I think this is a dangerous situation because there is not a single moment that my mind can be relaxed and not worried in order for me to pass the bowel movement.

There is a certain area of my brain that needs to be active.  It needs to be turned on in order to give me my ability to push.  I can try to push all I want, but it is not going to work since that area of the brain is turned off.  I can only push to a very small degree and I cannot push any further than that.

If I wasn't worried at all, then that area of my brain would turn back on and I would be able to fully push in order to get the bowel movement out.  But there is not a single moment where I am not worried about this thought at all.

It is a constant 24/7 worry and there is no way for me to let that thought go in any given moment.  If I had the choice to either experience the worst possible physical pain such as having my torso ripped apart or to instead experience those horrible altered mental states from my depressive nightmares fully conscious during a near death experience, I think I just might choose to have my torso ripped.  Especially if the near death experience is a more intense experience than my worst nightmares.

Those horrible altered mental states are not the experience of me screaming in pain and agony.  It is a completely different experience than that.  It is an experience far worse than that.  I would not describe this experience as pain.  There is no way to describe this experience.  It is the most horrible experience.  

So to try and help me not be worried about this thought would be no different than trying to make me not worried about the possibility that I could have my torso ripped apart (if there was the likely possibility that could happen to me).  There is no way I can be at peace with such a notion and nor is there any way I can not worry about such a thing.

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21 minutes ago, MattMVS7 said:

This obsessive thought has disabled my functioning in life.  It has turned off the functions of my brain that allow me to be fully functional in life.  It has also turned off a certain faculty.  It has turned off my ability to push in order to get a bowel movement out.

I try to push to get it out, but I am barely able to push at all.  My mind would have to be fully comfortable, relaxed, and not worried about anything at all in order to get the bowel movement out.  I am not constipated at all.  The bowel is soft.  But I am unable to push to get it out.

There is no physical issue going on here.  This is all a mental issue here that is preventing me from having a bowel movement.  Even the urge to have a bowel movement is turned off.  I think this is a dangerous situation because there is not a single moment that my mind can be relaxed and not worried in order for me to pass the bowel movement.

There is a certain area of my brain that needs to be active.  It needs to be turned on in order to give me my ability to push.  I can try to push all I want, but it is not going to work since that area of the brain is turned off.  I can only push to a very small degree and I cannot push any further than that.

If I wasn't worried at all, then that area of my brain would turn back on and I would be able to fully push in order to get the bowel movement out.  But there is not a single moment where I am not worried about this thought at all.

It is a constant 24/7 worry and there is no way for me to let that thought go in any given moment.  If I had the choice to either experience the worst possible physical pain such as having my torso ripped apart or to instead experience those horrible altered mental states from my depressive nightmares fully conscious during a near death experience, I think I just might choose to have my torso ripped.  Especially if the near death experience is a more intense experience than my worst nightmares.

Those horrible altered mental states are not the experience of me screaming in pain and agony.  It is a completely different experience than that.  It is an experience far worse than that.  I would not describe this experience as pain.  There is no way to describe this experience.  It is the most horrible experience.  

So to try and help me not be worried about this thought would be no different than trying to make me not worried about the possibility that I could have my torso ripped apart (if there was the likely possibility that could happen to me).  There is no way I can be at peace with such a notion and nor is there any way I can not worry about such a thing.

Matt, there are plenty of people who live their lives without worrying about this. With therapy and probably meds, you can get past it, but you have to be willing to try. 

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2 minutes ago, heilmania said:

Matt, there are plenty of people who live their lives without worrying about this. With therapy and probably meds, you can get past it, but you have to be willing to try. 

Yes, I've already been told this.  But where I am getting at is that I am in a dangerous situation here since I cannot have a bowel movement due to this obsessive worry.  If I don't have a bowel movement within a certain time and it all builds up in my system, I will die.

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If you cannot have a bowel movement, go see a doctor (GP). They have very - and I mean VERY - effective laxatives where you won't have to push at all.

Matt, do you take meds for your depression and obsession? I'm asking because you really do need a psychiatrist and a therapist, and you really do need to be on meds. If you are on meds, this obsession will not grip you so strongly and together with therapy you will eventually break the grip completely.

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I am coming back to this topic once more because I have a very important question.  That is, if you are not fine and not at peace at all with a certain situation and it is the most horrible situation, then how are you supposed to not be worried, in pain, and troubled about it?  I am not fine with the situation of experiencing those horrific altered mental states and depressive feelings that I had in my nightmares during a near death experience.

If I were to experience that fully conscious during an nde, that would be an experience far beyond horrible.  So that is why I can never be fine with the possibility of that happening.  Therefore, since I am not fine with such a horrible possibility, then how am I supposed to not be troubled, in pain, and not worried about that situation?  The way I see it, the only way to not be troubled, in pain, and worried about any given situation would be for you to be in the mindset of being just fine and coping with that situation.

After all, that is how our brains adapt to situations.  When a harsh or horrible situation comes into our lives, then our brain will adapt to that situation in which we will be fine and comfortable with such situations.  Once we are fine, that also gets rid of the pain, the worry, and the tribulation.  But as long as it is a situation where you are not adapting to it (not fine and comfortable with it), then I don't see how there can be any hope for me.

I just don't see how this obsessive worry and tribulation can disappear or even ease up as long as I remain not at peace and not fine with this situation.

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Have you found a tdoc and pdoc since writing last?

On 9/22/2016 at 8:35 PM, jt07 said:

Matt, do you take meds for your depression and obsession? I'm asking because you really do need a psychiatrist and a therapist, and you really do need to be on meds. If you are on meds, this obsession will not grip you so strongly and together with therapy you will eventually break the grip completely.

I agree with jt ... I also think you really need to find a tdoc and pdoc, and get evaluated by them, if not already.

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2 hours ago, melissaw72 said:

Have you found a tdoc and pdoc since writing last?

I agree with jt ... I also think you really need to find a tdoc and pdoc, and get evaluated by them, if not already.

I have a therapist and am taking medication.  The medication isn't working for the worry because this is an unresolved situation.  As long as this situation remains unresolved; that is, as long as I am not fine with this situation, then I will continue to remain worried.  My therapist has advised me to try and interrupt the worry by deep breathing and doing my hobbies.  But this isn't working either.  Please read my previous post I have just made because I do not understand how it is possible for me to not be worried and troubled when I am not fine and not comfortable with this situation.

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29 minutes ago, MattMVS7 said:

I have a therapist and am taking medication.  The medication isn't working for the worry because this is an unresolved situation.  As long as this situation remains unresolved; that is, as long as I am not fine with this situation, then I will continue to remain worried.  My therapist has advised me to try and interrupt the worry by deep breathing and doing my hobbies.  But this isn't working either.  Please read my previous post I have just made because I do not understand how it is possible for me to not be worried and troubled when I am not fine and not comfortable with this situation.

I did read your above post before I posted, and understand you are concerned about an obsessive worry and tribulation.

Deep breathing and doing hobbies don't help me either.  When I am excessively worried about something, I put it on paper ... typing or in a journal or something.  After that, I know all my thoughts about the worry are on paper so I can think about other things, and if I want to go back to the initial worry to think about it, I can.  But it wouldn't be the one thing on top of everything that is obsessively ruminating around in your head.

I hope you are able to figure things out.  I would tell your tdoc that his/her ideas of deep breathing and doing your hobbies aren't working, and does she have any more ideas.

What meds are you on?

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