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Disordered eating log


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Dear diary,

I look at my Fitbit often to see how many calories I have burned today.
I'm looking forward to starting exercising again, but I have to wait another three weeks because of surgery. I feel that this time will be different and I will reach my goal weight again: now I have weights at home, a treadmill, a Fitbit that counts my calories, a food scale, and, an expensive body scale; I can finally monitor and control everything. I will be in charge. 

Dear diary,

I feel uncomfortably bloated and can't find a comfortable position in bed. I'm tired and lazy, however, enthusiastic to write about the day; much less because of the sweeties I have been gorging on like an animal. The binge eating hasn't stopped; it's become a daily fix, without it I'm agitated, restless and I pace about in circles and become extremely aware of my body as well as my senses. My clothes feel much tighter, my stomach and my cheeks look swelled. I have gained a lot of weight. 

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Just want to say I read what you wrote and am sorry you are feeling this way.  I can really empathize and relate to what you wrote ... I've had surgery also (hip) ... and I was fairly immobile while I recovered, so I can understand where you are coming from with wanting to exercise again and to stop the binge eating (I also had an eating disorder (ED) for 20 years, part of which was bingeing).  And I hated feeling that way.  The bloated feeling, the tight clothes, etc.

What is ironic is that being immobile for a long time (for me, 3 years) actually got my ED to slowly go away.  Over the 3 years I had gained a lot of weight, and somewhere in those years I got used to the added weight without it bothering me.  And most of the weight stayed on when I was fully recovered, while at the same time the ED was pretty much gone.  Eventually I accepted my weight how it was (Idk how, but it happened), and finally realized I was not counting calories, weighing myself, etc.  And eventually I had no more thoughts in regards to the ED.

I am NOT discounting your experience though.  Just giving you an example of how I can relate to what you wrote.

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36 minutes ago, melissaw72 said:

Just want to say I read what you wrote and am sorry you are feeling this way.  I can really empathize and relate to what you wrote ... I've had surgery also (hip) ... and I was fairly immobile while I recovered, so I can understand where you are coming from with wanting to exercise again and to stop the binge eating (I also had an eating disorder (ED) for 20 years, part of which was bingeing).  And I hated feeling that way.  The bloated feeling, the tight clothes, etc.

What is ironic is that being immobile for a long time (for me, 3 years) actually got my ED to slowly go away.  Over the 3 years I had gained a lot of weight, and somewhere in those years I got used to the added weight without it bothering me.  And most of the weight stayed on when I was fully recovered, while at the same time the ED was pretty much gone.  Eventually I accepted my weight how it was (Idk how, but it happened), and finally realized I was not counting calories, weighing myself, etc.  And eventually I had no more thoughts in regards to the ED.

I am NOT discounting your experience though.  Just giving you an example of how I can relate to what you wrote.

 
 
 
 

Thank you for sharing your experience with me. What dose of Naltrexone are you on? I hear that it can help with carb cravings and binge eating disorder. 

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Naltrexone ... I am on 150 mg/day total (divided into 50 mg 3x/day).

It has been EXTREMELY helpful with the voracious appetite.  I started on it sometime around maybe 2010? It wasn't any earlier than that. 

Without the naltrexone, the voracious appetite I have comes on strong and I have absolutely no control over it.  And I will eat until I am stuffed and still want more, deciding on what I will eat next despite the stomach full of food. 

My mindset at those times though was not of bingeing because of an ED.  It was different.  For me there is a different mindset between the bingeing associated with an ED vs the voracious appetite.  I think the feelings after eating all the food are different between the 2 mindsets ... it is hard to explain so I am not sure.  With the voracious appetite, I didn't have an ED (recovered somewhere in 2008), so all those thoughts associated with binge eating from an ED weren't there (I didn't have them). 

I am having a hard time putting this all into words.  It is something I just 'know,' but can't explain for whatever reason. 

But in general, my mindset was different (with the voracious appetite) than it was when I had an ED.  Regardless though, the naltrexone pretty much saved me from gaining anymore weight than I had.  Idk if it would be helpful for binge eating associated with an ED or not, but it is possible that it could totally help.

For me, the feelings after I binged with having an ED weren't the same feelings I had after I ate due to the voracious appetite.   

 

I hope this makes sense!

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DEAR DIARY,

I HATE MY LIFE AND I WISH I WAS DEAD, AT LEAST THEN I WOULD BE WHAT I FEEL INSIDE. HOW MY THROAT IS ACHING BECAUSE I AM HOLDING BACK TEARS. WHAT'S THE POINT OF CRYING ANYMORE? WHO IS LISTENING? NOBODY IS OUT THERE. THERE IS NOTHING. LIFE IS MEANINGLESS AND IT'S ONE BIG COINCIDENCE AND THE CHOICES I HAVE MADE WITH EATING HAVE LED ME INTO OBLIVION. I MAKE EVERYTHING WORSE FOR MYSELF. I NEVER LEARN. THEY'RE RIGHT ABOUT ME. EVERY HURTFUL THING THEY SAY MUST BE TRUE. TAKE ME IN MY SLEEP SO I DON'T HAVE TO SUFFER ANYMORE.

 

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Hello! 
Did you know that we have a blog function? This is all perfect blog material! It's a little less helpful on the boards, where folks are seeking advice. And the good news is that you can make your blog as public or as private as you want, as well as customize it with pictures :)

If you need help setting one up please feel free to ask the staff member of your choice.

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