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My mother!


LunaStar

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Hello everyone,

Ok, I love my mom, I really do.  But...

I think she has made me crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No joke.  All my life, there has been something, always something.  She was criticizing me in some way, taking problems out on me, worrying far too much.

Last April, it hit rock bottom.  I had some issues with sex and told her about them.  She came back to me two weeks later and said that she thought my father had molested me.  She had no basis for this.  But having the thought in my head was bad enough.

A few months later, I developed full-blown OCD.  Coincidence?  I think not.  Granted, there were other factors going on in my life that were stressful but that was the big one.  Everytime I tell people about that, they're like, "No wonder you're having such a hard time."  Thanks, mom...

And since the OCD started, she has been not very helpful.  I had violent, obsessive thoughts and she tried to keep me away from my sister thinking I would hurt her.  This is every OCD sufferer's worst nightmare - to have people around them actually think they might do it b/c then what does that mean?  And she has insinuated that I will never be 100% independent again.  After that conversation I had this retched obsessive thought that I still can't shake and that was over three months ago!

I want to have a better relationship with her.  But she so rarely takes interest in what I'm doing with my life besides to worry about it.  I've waited until I've calmed down to explain that this type of questioning she does is not helpful for me.  She says she understands and then does it again.

I even tried to have a friendly conversation so we can get to know each other better.  B/c I swear sometimes that she has no idea who I really am.  I thought we could play 20 questions so I asked her some but she wouldn't ask me any in return.  She was like, "I don't know what to ask."  I was like, "Ask what I asked you."  But she still wouldn't do it!  Talk about weird...

Oh and she called my pdoc behind my back!  I told her this isn't necessary b/c I'm all grown up now (23 years old) and if I want her to be in touch with my doctors, I will facilitate this.

Grrrrr..............  So frustrated!!!!  I don't want to be anymore crazy b/c of her!

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Wow, that sounds like a LOT of stress going on. I'm not sure she "made" you crazy, but I am pretty sure she at least made things worse for you.

I can't really think of any good advice- she is, after all, your mom, and there's probably no getting rid of her  ;) But you CAN tell your pdoc that he is not to discuss you with her. I am not entirely sure about the legal aspects involved, but I know where I'm at you have to sign a release to allow your pdoc to discuss information relating to your condition and/or treatment with a third party. No release, no talky. Bringing it up at your next appointment might make you feel a little better, in the very least.

You might also reconsider mentioning anything very private or personal to her in the future, particularly regarding obsessive thoughts and the like. Clearly she is not a source of support anyway, so there is no good in telling her and having her reaction make things harder on you.

Hopefully your pdoc is helping you with the OCD side of things, if you have for some reason not brought this up yet, PLEASE do so. There IS help for it and no, sometimes it won't just go away on its own. Pdocs have heard it all, and no matter how terrible your obsessive thoughts might seem to you, it is unlikely they would even faze him or her. But you are under no obligation to discuss the specifics of the thoughts if you are not ready or comfortable enough to do so- just mentioning their existence and how they have been harmful to your well-being should be sufficient to give your pdoc a starting point.

Take care,

~Faith

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Whoa Mama!

You have every right to be frustrated by your mom's over-anxious nature, especially if she is having such negative effects on your mental health.

You should definitely have a chat with your pdoc about her behaviors and their effect on you. The confidentiality stuff Faith mentions is federal law--HIPAA or something like that so if you tell the pdoc no talky (as long as you're not threatening your own life or someone else's and a couple of other severe things like that), it means no talky with mom. But, don't go in accusing your pdoc of breaking confidentiality--it's possible that she said nil about you and used the opportunity to gather some info on familial OC trait--but rather tell her what level of confidentiality you want.

I agree with Faith that your mom probably didn't give you OCD (like an infection or such), but she may have kindled a latent trait or disorder which you are now dealing with. My pdoc has told me that OCD and anxiety have familial connections

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Hi LunaStar,

Parents are like 100-proof scotch: something you should only take in tiny doses on special occasions. Huge doses on a regular basis will kill you.

Parents are impervious to Reason. Talk to your friends, talk to an imaginary friend, talk to your armpit, but DO NOT--fer cryin' out loud--talk to your parents about sex or religion or politics or emotional issues.

I want to have a better relationship with her. But she so rarely takes interest in what I'm doing with my life besides to worry about it.

That's what parents do. They can't help it. You can't change them. Don't try.

Honor your parents--don't treat them like your peers or Sigmund Freud. Be polite, help them when they need help, and ignore most of what they tell you.

The infuriating and immutable nature of parents was once common knowledge, something so obvious it scarcely merited stating. Then the Cult of Therapy, in order to exalt its quack practitioners and perpetuate their hairbrained teachings, taught us to believe we can find "closure" or "catharsis" and resolve our "issues" with our parents. Needless to say, these claims remain unproven.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Don't engage with her is my advice. I am in a similiar position to you with my mom, and I have found that the less I tell her the less damage she does. Actually I have not spoken to my parents for two months because they are destructive and damaging. They made a scene at my wedding because they were drunk, as usual, and it was the last straw. I have yet to get them out of my life entirely, they email and call, I have explained how I feel in several emails and they just refuse to address the issue or my feelings as though none of what I say is legitimate!

Moral of the story: All parents are people. Some people are screwed up. Sometimes those people are our parents. Some parents are so wrtapped up in their own issues that they can't see who we really are or what we need.

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