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Hello! Does this sound familiar to anyone? You seem unable to maintain chit-chat with people, or some normal topics... and generally you're "off the range" where most people are in. I constantly need to focus on getting energy to interact with my classmates (I recently started some courses (forced myself) after years of doing nothing), and I seem to draw negativity from others, I do think too much about it but generally I feel my gestures are not spontaneous and kinda rigid, and my words are not many, and I cannot control them the way I would like to (and like most people are able to control their gestures naturally).

I feel like I have a mask, and people see the mask (I feel or even know). I don't know what they see, but I feel they see something serious, because I don't really laugh, I just am inside my own consciousness and spiral, stiff gestures, "serious look". I might seem a bit sarcastic, I try to fight it but I often laugh in a sarcastic way, but it's not deliberate, it just happens. I feel people cannot get a grip of myself because of my constant anxiety/fear over _nothing_, and people kind of cannot get hold on me, except those who have less ego and a big heart. I have terribly large ego (to the point of insanity), and people with egoistic tendencies find it difficult to deal with that maybe? I really wish I could just take it easy and laugh with others and be in relaxed vibes.

But mostly I tend to be damn jittery, anxious, _tense_, and everything is tension and negativity, and I think people can see it and I also feel they can see inside my soul. Which is a bit scary... I just try to hold things together like functioning and interacting..maybe I need to learn to let go and let it be what it is without trying to control everything to the point of madness lol... but mostly it is about learning to trust instead of fearing - the useless built-in mechanism that makes me slip from every banana peel on the ground.

I find it alot easier when I don't have to interact with anyone and just listen to the class...or when I have to interact I find it difficult to interact straight person to person, I always need thick shields because I am so vulnerable and open! But at the same time I am shy to tell everyone that I have severe social phobia, because I am afraid of getting stigma, but if I told people they might get more grip on me and understand me better...yet for strangers it seems kinda odd to say such intimate details, because everyone is so shielded. Maybe I should be braver and tell people that I have this social phobia thing. Or would they just laugh?! Now I just try to act that I am as everyone else, though I have something really "weird" and "odd" in myself, which is also my own creation and part of my funny beliefs about myself.

I always felt weirdish, but over the years it just grew out of proportion... and now I AM odd lol... a bit schizoid or peculiar, OCDish, even feel myself being possessed at times (which can be a bit scary when fall into that loop), and going out there on a class has been a biggie challenge for me. But the thing is, somehow we need to turn the fear and all that negativity into something positive and creative. Maybe I should start to be more honest about myself to others and maybe openly laugh about myself that I am crazy! I find it difficult though because I am so sensitive to criticism and judgements...but I could try to do it.

Thank you for reading!

 

 

 

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I don't like interacting with people because I can't hold a conversation (unless the other person can), I lose my train of thought, my mind races (as usual all the time) so I draw a blank and mid-sentence I have no idea what we are talking about, etc.  So I avoid interacting as much as possible.

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Melissaw72 yes, holding up the conversation is difficult because my mind is empty and I struggle finding anything to say...it is easier if the other one is babbly and talkative, but still it varies alot how I feel around people, mostly tension. All my replies are like "yes, aha, OK, nice, good". Feel like my face is frozen and I am worried of the impressions I give. Stiff boy...

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3 hours ago, cottonzilla said:

Melissaw72 yes, holding up the conversation is difficult because my mind is empty and I struggle finding anything to say...it is easier if the other one is babbly and talkative, but still it varies alot how I feel around people, mostly tension. All my replies are like "yes, aha, OK, nice, good". Feel like my face is frozen and I am worried of the impressions I give. Stiff boy...

I am pretty much the same way ... the holding up the conversation is very hard!  Especially if the other person can't hold up a conversation as well.  That stresses me out and gets tense ... I just want to leave and get out of wherever I am and go home where I don't have to deal with all that! 

My answers are mostly one word too, although sometimes if I actually have something to say, and I am talking and involved in a conversation, sometimes the MI words/ my MI come out of my mouth (probably because most stuff I do involves the MI in one way or another).  And before I know it the person is saying good bye and walking away to talk to someone else in mid-conversation.  They'll say something like, "Ok, well I have to go ... talk to you later (mid sentence/conversation)..."  Like they will be talking to me later (sarcasm).  The impressions I give I try my best to put on the best act/face I can, but most people just don't 'get it.'  For me, probably because I go into a conversation with the mindset that 'this is probably going to be hell, just get me out of here,' maybe I put people off. Idk.  But I do try my best at first, and if people dont respond, then I do want to get out of where I am!

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Sounds quite familiar yes!! I would like to be who I am, but somehow I am so sensitive that I can't really but act somewhat normal, although I also want to fight the "normalcy" in a way, yet I have a need to fit in because of my low self-esteem. But I feel people sense my lack of vibration, maybe they sense it without knowing. I would like to see some video about myself, my shrink even told me I could be a good stand-up comedian (argh I am going to change shrink yes, he doesn't get it anymore).

Agree, maybe the "pain and agony" that meeting and interacting causes is enough to make it feel unpleasant for everyone lol... and I "see" my own face in a tense way or being too aware and have "delusions" how others perceive me..it's a bit loopy..very.

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Cottonzilla, you sound painfully aware of how others feel around you, despite an underlying desire to connect with them. I realize I am speculating here. Am I accurate? Anyway, if that is true, you do not fit the criteria for schizoid personality disorder. Schizotypal personality disorder is more of what you are describing.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizotypal_personality_disorder

Also... And again I am speculating here, but have you ever been evaluated for autism spectrum disorder? Often high functioning autistics are aware that they do not fit in and have an awkward time in social situations as they try to memorize ways of behaving that do not seem natural to them.

Enough with my analyzing. Please forgive my morning brain on top of a cold and medicated sleep.

I am so impressed with your ability to articulate your perceptions and how difficult it is for you in social situations. I know that written communication is often easier for those with social phobias and the fact that we are anonymous here may make your expression and vulnerability easier as well. After reading your feelings, all I wanted to do was get to know you better! You sound like a fascinating person. Also, you sound like a very different type of person than the neurotypical. It's possible that you will never conform to society's expectations. My thoughts are... Accept that you are unique and that there is a place for such uniqueness. You see things in such a different way that you could probably blow the socks off those conformists who have attuned social abilities and an easy manner--if they knew what you were thinking.

Have you ever tried to communicate with others in an unconventional way, like only through writing or texting? This is not to say you must avoid speaking altogether, but it may be a relief to you if you wrote a note (or had a business card printed!) that said simply, "Hello, my name is _____. I have a severe social phobia and prefer to communicate in writing. Please text me to converse. My number is ______. I am a sensitive person, so please be gentle with me. I would like to get to know you." Or something along those lines. Doing so would likely generate a good deal of compassion from those around you. I realize that this would mean opening up and being a bit vulnerable, but often ones vulnerability is the very attractive quality that brings others closer to us. I say, turn this into a social experiment for a week and take the chance. Really, what do you have to lose?

Have you ever watched Ted Talks with Brene Brown on vulnerability and shame? I highly, highly recommend!

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Cottonzilla, I relate to a lot of what you wrote. I have had therapists tell me that I have either schizoid PD or Asperger's (which I guess is now just ASD). None of my doctors were willing to take it further because, I guess, there isn't much that can be done for those medically. I'd have to see special doctors and therapists if I wanted a definitive diagnosis.

Like you people perceive me as odd. This has been true my entire life. At first, it was explained away as being painfully shy. Then social phobic. Now schizoid or Asperger's.

I have a hard time interacting with people. When placed in social situations, I tend to pull into my mind. And I guess people perceive me as standoffish or aloof. Strangely, I tend to not have problems with public speaking. I do best where the roles are well defined (such as public speaking) as opposed to parties or social gatherings where there are no well defined roles. I avoid such gatherings like the plague.

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16 hours ago, jt07 said:

@wren Be careful about diagnosing as we don't diagnose here. If the OP has the diagnosis of schizoid PD then there must be  reasons for it.

I was not diagnosing, only speculating. I welcome anyone here to take what I've said back to their psychiatrist and discuss it with him/her so that they can better understand why they were given the diagnosis they were given... Or to discuss the possibility that there are aspects of the client that have not been shared. These professionals do the best they can with their clients in an office setting, but they really don't ever see us in the real world, interacting with others. And they can't get inside our heads and know us better than we know ourselves. 

But yes, disclaimer: I am not serving as a medical or mental health professional here and my thoughts as I share them here are not meant to be treated as diagnoses.

 

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  • 7 months later...

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