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Hi all,

I haven't posted here in nearly a year I guess.  Not because I've had some miracle recovery from depression but mainly because I have been managing to survive day to day with a bit of help.  I'm on no meds apart from 1 or 2mg per week of lorazepam for panic attacks or sleep.  I cut right back from 3mg per day over the last year.  Now it is more PRN. 

But the last month my mood has gone super low again. I have been looking for a part time job but I realise due to my mental state and physical health I have so many limitations it is almost impossible.    My care worker has tried to bring forward my Pdoc appointment, it has been over a year since I saw a doctor.   I don't see how they pdoc can help as I have tried so many medications over the years.    I also have physical issues going on for years - chronic pain - I had surgery to fix my knee last year which helped a bit but not as good as I had hoped for. I still have pain..  I'm waiting to see a rhematologist now to see if there is something inflammatory going on. 

Yes so I feel super low and suicidal again.   Plus this week now my mom, the only person I have any real connection with, is waiting on test results to see if she has cancer.  This has totally freaked me out.  If she has cancer and dies then there is basically nothing left for me at all. 

I feel useless.  I have failed at study. failed at working.  failed at making friends and failed at having a life.  my life is 24/7 internet or computer.   pathetic. 

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I'm sorry you are starting to feel worse than you have been, as well as the stress you are going through to find out the test results from your mom's test results.  When does she get the results?  I feel similar with my mother too, so even though my mom doesn't have cancer now(knock on wood), her getting it and dying would throw me through a loop and don't know how'd recover.  So I can understand where you are coming from.

I'd find another pdoc for a 2nd opinion.  It doesn't sound like you and your current pdoc is being too helpful.

If you feel suicidal please go to the ER ASAP.

In a way, I feel useless too.  But I'd rather feel useless and keep the stress down, anxiety lower, and the hallucinations away (etc) and live my life as it is, than feel useful and be totally stressed out, inviting the stress and everything else back to me.

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49 minutes ago, melissaw72 said:

I'm sorry you are starting to feel worse than you have been, as well as the stress you are going through to find out the test results from your mom's test results.  When does she get the results?  I feel similar with my mother too, so even though my mom doesn't have cancer now(knock on wood), her getting it and dying would throw me through a loop and don't know how'd recover.  So I can understand where you are coming from.

I'd find another pdoc for a 2nd opinion.  It doesn't sound like you and your current pdoc is being too helpful.

If you feel suicidal please go to the ER ASAP.

In a way, I feel useless too.  But I'd rather feel useless and keep the stress down, anxiety lower, and the hallucinations away (etc) and live my life as it is, than feel useful and be totally stressed out, inviting the stress and everything else back to me.

I can see my thought process is clouded by depression at the moment.  I am jumping to doomsday scenarios rather than looking on the realistic or optimistic side of things.  It probably isn't cancer and if it is then it can be treated.  Hopefully we will know next week.  Worrying changes nothing.

Yes I am seeing a new pdoc in hopefully next month.  I hope they have some fresh ideas but I won't hold my breath.  I have come to distrust psychiatry.  I'm also waiting for talking therapy. .    

I agree with what you are saying about keeping the stress down and focusing on living life as it is...... but there are the financial practicalities to deal with.  I do not want to be reliant on family or the state forever.   :(

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That sucks, I'm sorry to hear that. It's good to come on here to vent every now and then, helps you process your problems. Do you know why you're depressed? Is there a reason like being out of employment? Also, have you thought about looking for a peer support group in your area? Look out for local charities in mental health host them, they help me and give me a reason to get out of the house and talk to people I now consider as friends.

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I'm sorry you are feeling so low, crazyguy. I'm glad they are getting you in to see a psychiatrist soon. That's definitely a positive. I hope the doctor you see is great. I remember that you had a great deal of problems with finding meds that work. There are some new meds like Rexulti which is better than Abilify.

I hope you can get your knee sorted. Physical pain sucks. That alone can bring you down. 

I'm hoping everything is fine with your mom. As you said, odds are that everything is okay or else treatable. But it is scary, I know.

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  • 3 weeks later...

hi all

so it turns out my mom does have cancer, treatable but still a big shock.  This has pushed my anxiety through the roof.  I am seeing my support worker and pdoc next week.   I'm not on any p-meds at the moment apart from the odd benzo but I think I need to discuss my options.   Suicidal and violent thoughts are pretty strong but it is more because I feel like I have no control at the moment.... thinking about how I can end it all offers me some kind of mental control if that makes sense?

My pain is playing up as well but I think that is a stress flare up, although I'm seeing a consultant specialist to get that checked out again soon. 

 

I just needed to vent.   thanks for reading and the replies. 

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2 hours ago, crazyguy said:

hi all

so it turns out my mom does have cancer, treatable but still a big shock.  This has pushed my anxiety through the roof.  I am seeing my support worker and pdoc next week.   I'm not on any p-meds at the moment apart from the odd benzo but I think I need to discuss my options.   Suicidal and violent thoughts are pretty strong but it is more because I feel like I have no control at the moment.... thinking about how I can end it all offers me some kind of mental control if that makes sense?

My pain is playing up as well but I think that is a stress flare up, although I'm seeing a consultant specialist to get that checked out again soon. 

 

I just needed to vent.   thanks for reading and the replies. 

I'm sorry to hear about your mother, but I'm so glad the cancer is treatable. That's a big relief, but I understand that your mental cooties are going through the roof. Mine would be too.

It makes a lot of sense that thinking about suicide makes you feel like you have some amount of control in a situation where you feel like you have no control. I think that is an astute observation because to think of it, whenever I have been suicidal it was always when I felt the most powerless.

I'm glad you are seeing your support worker and pdoc next week. I hope they can find something to ease your depression and anxiety.

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6 hours ago, crazyguy said:

hi all

so it turns out my mom does have cancer, treatable but still a big shock.  This has pushed my anxiety through the roof.  I am seeing my support worker and pdoc next week.   I'm not on any p-meds at the moment apart from the odd benzo but I think I need to discuss my options.   Suicidal and violent thoughts are pretty strong but it is more because I feel like I have no control at the moment.... thinking about how I can end it all offers me some kind of mental control if that makes sense?

My pain is playing up as well but I think that is a stress flare up, although I'm seeing a consultant specialist to get that checked out again soon. 

 

I just needed to vent.   thanks for reading and the replies. 

I'm really sorry to hear about your mom.  Fortunately it is treatable.  I can understand why you have so much anxiety now.  That is really good that you see your support worker and pdoc next week. 

(in bold) ... I understand what you mean about the mental control when thinking about suicidal and violent thoughts.  It makes sense.

I hope your pain goes away, or at least minimized.  Hopefully the specialist has some answers for you.

Take care.

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Lots of people get treated successfully with cancer, there's plenty of reason not to be upset about it. It's scary but it's not an end. Well done for not giving into those negative thoughts. Remember you've got a track record of 100% against them and you can keep that going, every day is a success. Keep going, you're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for.

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I agree with everyone that it's very possible your mother could have a good outcome and live for many years to come.  I hope you can get in to see the pdoc soon and maybe distract yourself with some favorite hobbies or activities?  Lose yourself in a good game on line?  Please come back and keep talking to us, because we care what happens to every  one of our members.

sympathetically,

olga

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So to cut a long story short it has been suggested that I try Wellbutrin XL.  This is an off-label usage in my country as it is only normally used as a quit smoking aid here.    My doctor thinks it will give me some energy and concentration back.  I have no idea what to expect but it seems like quite a popular medication in the US and relatively safe?  Certainly preferably to AAPs. 

They are recommending Lyrica for anxiety rather than a benzo as well. 

 

 

 

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8 minutes ago, crazyguy said:

So to cut a long story short it has been suggested that I try Wellbutrin XL.  This is an off-label usage in my country as it is only normally used as a quit smoking aid here.    My doctor thinks it will give me some energy and concentration back.  I have no idea what to expect but it seems like quite a popular medication in the US and relatively safe?  Certainly preferably to AAPs. 

They are recommending Lyrica for anxiety rather than a benzo as well.

I have found it to be safe for me, but it has been known to make people hypo/manic ... I'd watch out for that.  It can also make you anxious if too high a dose.  There are many benefits of wellbutrin though.

FWIW, here are some benefits of Wellbutrin:

http://www.bipolar-lives.com/benefits-of-wellbutrin.html

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6 minutes ago, melissaw72 said:

I have found it to be safe for me, but it has been known to make people hypo/manic ... I'd watch out for that.  It can also make you anxious if too high a dose.  There are many benefits of wellbutrin though.

FWIW, here are some benefits of Wellbutrin:

http://www.bipolar-lives.com/benefits-of-wellbutrin.html

Thanks for the speedy reply.   I have never gone manic or hypo manic before but ill watch out for it... an energy and mood boost would be a good thing but I don't want to take it too far. 

Mine is the lowest dose I think, 150mg?  to be taken in the morning.  I think the Lyrica is to offset any anxiety I guess.      Again the Lyrica is a baby dose to start off with.  I'm happy with that because I tend to be sensitive to medications (but I guess we all are really).

 

 

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3 minutes ago, crazyguy said:

Thanks for the speedy reply.   I have never gone manic or hypo manic before but ill watch out for it... an energy and mood boost would be a good thing but I don't want to take it too far. 

Mine is the lowest dose I think, 150mg?  to be taken in the morning.  I think the Lyrica is to offset any anxiety I guess.      Again the Lyrica is a baby dose to start off with.  I'm happy with that because I tend to be sensitive to medications (but I guess we all are really).

 

 

It can be so hard adjusting meds and trying new meds, etc.  I hope these meds work for you!

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