Regulating my own Testosterone or letting the experts do it for me

[redfox]

I have been working with my mental health clinic with depot injections of my risperdal and Testosterone and an injection of naltrexlone. I have been on these meds for a year now and am actually stable except for thoughts of self harm. I want to start self injecting to build up more T in my system. I also have some small impulses to inject bleach, paint thinner, gas and other stuff with the syringes the pharmacy would provide. I really want to self regulate my T because I feel like I am not in control of anything. I used to skip meds a lot and can't do that either and to be honest I don't like being stable. I am bored even though I know this is going to allow me to date, perhaps marry, travel, work and what not. I also have urges to self harm when I feel empty, bored and alone. I am also trying to control my drinking and I know I need the meds to be injected and am doing well because they are. But the desire to inject more T to feel powerful and strong and horny and they added benefit to inject to self harm ( though in small amounts ) has to deal with control and some sort of substance abuse. Transguys any thoughts?

Edited September 10, 2016 by redfox

[notloki]

You may feel like you are not in control but you show up for these injections, choose to take them,  and pay for them, that seems exerting to be quite a bit of control.

I don't think you are a good candidate for doing the injections yourself. You are supposed to be supplementing T to bring it into normal levels. You can't self regulate, that requires lab work. The dangers of taking too much T are many. Cancer, mood swings, irritability, acne. T supplementation is not so you can be more powerful, it is to correct a measured deficiency. You are playing with fire. If you are having thoughts of injecting bleach, etc. then that hands down is a big red flag that doing this at home is not a good idea. You say you are doing well with the injectable meds, why mess with it ?

 

[jt07]

You should let the experts do it for you. This is the third post this week in which you mention injecting yourself with harmful substances so there is no way that you should be trusted to regulate your own meds. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but that's what I think.

Also, there is a normal level for testosterone and going above that is dangerous as notloki has pointed out. More testosterone is not going to make you stronger or more powerful. That's wishful thinking. However, it could substantially shorten your lifespan.

So, yeah, let the experts do it.

[Steve223]

Yeah, definitely don't try to self regulate something like this.  Testosterone is not something that you can mess around with the levels of without a doctor's advice.  It's a major hormone in the body and having the wrong levels of it in your body could potentially really mess you up badly I would imagine.  The doctors don't want you to self regulate simply for your own safety, especially since you mentioned that you are dealing with urges of very serious self harm.  While this goes without saying, never act on these self harm thoughts under any circumstances!  and I'm very glad that you said they are small urges that you can easily push aside.  I'd mention the self harm urges you are dealing with as well to a therapist or doctor if you haven't yet, because that sounds like a very stressful and difficult thought to have arising repeatedly in your mind.  I've dealt with self harm urges as well (different specific thoughts though), and I did end up mentioning it to my therapist which was very helpful for me. 

Edited September 12, 2016 by Steve223

[Mirazh]

On 9/10/2016 at 2:35 PM, redfox said:

I have been working with my mental health clinic with depot injections of my risperdal and Testosterone and an injection of naltrexlone. I have been on these meds for a year now and am actually stable except for thoughts of self harm. I want to start self injecting to build up more T in my system. I also have some small impulses to inject bleach, paint thinner, gas and other stuff with the syringes the pharmacy would provide. I really want to self regulate my T because I feel like I am not in control of anything. I used to skip meds a lot and can't do that either and to be honest I don't like being stable. I am bored even though I know this is going to allow me to date, perhaps marry, travel, work and what not. I also have urges to self harm when I feel empty, bored and alone. I am also trying to control my drinking and I know I need the meds to be injected and am doing well because they are. But the desire to inject more T to feel powerful and strong and horny and they added benefit to inject to self harm ( though in small amounts ) has to deal with control and some sort of substance abuse. Transguys any thoughts?

I agree with notloki in that you're exercising a lot more control than you're currently feeling like.

If you were still able to skip meds a lot, or if you were able to fall prey to your urges to overdose your T and inject harmful substances, you would be in far less control of everything than you are now.  You would be a lot more under the influence of your symptoms, as well as the effects of medications not being stable in your system, or some combination of the above.

I don't think self regulation of T has to be this "never" thing, in fact it may do you good to have that as a goal to work towards, to help you have some direction/be less easily bored/have it feel more like you're in control (or at least working toward it.)  Recognizing that you have desires which could prove dangerous and spiral out of control fast/easy is an important first step.  Trying to rationalize those urges sounds like illness talking to me, that boredom whispering to your brain, saying "oh of course we can handle this, and it will let us feel in control again, come on you know you can..." no.  That is not truth, that is illness distorting thinking.  It's the same thing that tells you submitting to your symptoms is "actually" being in control.

Maybe you can't ever self regulate your T.  But maybe you can, and maybe you can work out a plan with a therapist, on how you could become able to self regulate your T, how you would know that you could do it safely, safety measures in place for when your illness flares up and you temporarily lose the ability to be safe with it again (and how to tell when you're able to get back on to doing it yourself once more, when the illness flare up has passed).  And maybe working toward this stuff could also help you feel more in control, regardless of when you're able to reach the destination.

If your symptoms, even with all that you've put in place to help control them (the doctors, the depot injections, etc.), are still breaking through enough to distort your thinking this way, it definitely sounds like your symptoms would be able to get a better grip on control of your thinking and choices, if you were to give them that space.

I know this is really hard.  Adjusting to stability is really hard.  There are still times that I rail against my stability.  It can be quite boring indeed.

I may not always be able to tell what reality is like.  I may always have to rely on other people to help me know what that is.  And that may always feel less in control of my life than I would like.  But I can choose to reality check with others, and I can choose to trust them, and I can choose to have help.  And that way, I am able to take back control of my life from my symptoms and illness.

Edited September 13, 2016 by Mirazh

[redfox]

Thank you Mirazh, I guess I am surprised how solid I am and how I am becoming more stable. I processed with a therapist what steps would happen after self harm and decided I would rather enjoy the weather, drink coffee and keep my stability. I think working towards controlling my T again would be a positive step to work towards responsibility. That said it is great to lean on a support system that makes sure my levels stay consistent and that I can't skip meds because I know if I was back in control I would be missing meds a lot. Like you said I think it is something to work towards.  

[notloki]

I have news for you, THEY DON'T ALLOW PEOPLE TO SELF REGULATE T INJECTIONS. 

[Mirazh]

I may have been using the term in a different way, @notloki.  I can't speak for @redfox though.

I understand redfox to mean not having to rely on depot injections.  I know many folks who can do their T shots at home, and one local friend is on the gel instead which he does at home, and this is what I was thinking of when I read and used the term self regulation.

If you're pointing out instead that, folks have to still be under supervision of an endocrinologist (or someone who fills the equivalent role), who helps with determining what the T dose range is for you, then you're very correct. I'm not entirely sure how it works out in various parts of the world, but most systems seem to operate on that as far as I am aware.  I do agree in working in partnership with my medical professionals, most certainly.  That's exactly what they're there for.  They did all that education, have access to all that science equipment, and can do all the hard work of keeping track of data and considerations I can't possibly keep track of on my own.

Edited September 13, 2016 by Mirazh

[notloki]

It is also the repeated posts where you say you want to take more to be powerful and stronger. That's whacked every way until Tuesday.

I am finished with this subject.

[Mirazh]

I wasn't stepping in to correct anyone, just to be clear.  I am personally not able to dedicate as much time as I would like to this place, as I have many things in my life right now that I'm busy with, and this means I'm not as able to keep up with what my fellow CBers have been like lately.  (Basically: I know that you know better than me on this point.)

My intentions were to supplement, not contradict.  Saying the same thing in a different way.  That's all.  I have felt myself in agreement with the other responses to the thread as well, and I apologize for not making that clear enough.

 

Edited September 13, 2016 by Mirazh