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Vesse

Not Sure What to Do - Can I Give Up?

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So the story is really complicated but I don't know how to move on with my life after it.

To summarize, I got married 4.5 years ago and we moved here together. From the beginning he constantly threatened me with divorce which took its toll on my mood (I tried commiting suicide a few months after moving here). I never wanted to cheat but in addition to threats of divorce, he always called me oversexual and suggested I see a doctor (I wanted sex once a day... not unusual for a guy). Despite all of this I worked hard at a job I hated to support the both of us (he wouldn't work, he was a full time student and could have worked to help me, but he didn't want to do anything not related to his field of study). 

Anyway, fast forward we got our green cards (from my work that I only stayed at for him). A few months later he started dating (we were trying an open relationship but dating was not supposed to be allowed). He also lost "part" of his virginity to the guy he was dating and who is now his current boyfriend. He went back home to visit for the summer and asked me for a divorce 7000 miles away. We agreed to try and work through it, but meanwhile he was having sex with lots of different guys and he got back here only to mislead me and get me to still pay for his expenses despite being in love with someone else. He claimed "I can't decide about our relationship if I don't have food" so of course I bought him food...

I'm bipolar and I have tried years and years of medications with no luck. Earlier this year I started smoking meth which I know is not good for you. I minimize the risks as much as possible of course and I can hold my own in an argument about whether it's actually as bad as the media portrays (for example, I know hypertension can cause LVH which is a serious risk factor for things like sudden cardiac death, not to mention aortic dissection and congestive heart failure... I want to be a vet lol).

So here's the thing, smoking meth helps prevent my suicidal thoughts, but I do want to give it up and start focusing on my future. I need help though. Logically I don't want to be married to him, he's a terrible person (you can't say deep down he's a good person, I left out something very big because it's too painful for now, but I can share if it helps you help me :-( ).

How can I move on from what he did? I just can't seem to do it. Logic is failing me which really sucks. What has cheered me up lately is accepting the fact that I think I'm done with relationships. I've had it, and I don't want it. You can say I'm jaded, I'm just in shock, or I'll change my mind one day, but it's the only thing that helps me when I'm feeling down. Recognizing that that part of my life is over. I do have a long road ahead of me, vet school (hopefully) but first I have to work about 2 years to save up for it. But despite a great plan, I can't get over it. It doesn't help that he's not cooperating at all with the divorce (which I now want of course). So now I'm filling out the papers and paying for my own divorce... that's really some twisted stuff right there. See? He's not a good person.

Please help because the suicidal thoughts are stronger than ever. I tried going to a psychiatrist to get on meds again and he said he wouldn't prescribe me anything for at least a few weeks.... I've been on at least 10 bipolar meds and he's making me wait with vivid suicidal thoughts... first, do no harm?

Can anyone help me please? :(

 

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I'm sorry for all that you have been through.  That is a lot of stress to have on your plate all at once.

Did pdoc say why he wouldn't prescribe you anything for a few weeks?  How did he react to you telling him you were/have been having suicidal thoughts?  Have you tried getting a second opinion? 

 

Have you guys tried couple's therapy?  That has been working for a some people I know.

Or maybe an individual therapist?  I think talking things out with someone (a third party) will really benefit you.  Or keeping a journal of how you feel/what is going on in your life/or whatever?  I find that putting thoughts on paper really helps get my stress level down.  It gets thoughts out of my head, and then if I need to recall them, all I need to do is look back to see what I wrote.  The thoughts don't keep sitting in my head building up more and more.

If you feel like you are a danger to yourself or others, please go to the ER ASAP.

Edited by melissaw72

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The relationship is definitely over, I wanted to go to couple's therapy and I made an appointment and he blew it off. I told the pdoc that I use meth occassionally and that I am not addicted. I go home to visit my parents a few times a year and I would never do it around them. I go for two weeks at a time and I never even think about it. Despite this, he told me to look at rehab. I told him, I don't want to do meth, but I need my mood to be stabilized. Unfortunately it is very difficult to get in to see any pdocs here, if I want to see another one, I'll wait at least a year. I was diagnosed almost 10 years ago and have seen several pdocs since then (I moved quite a bit).

 

I do have an individual therapist and it helps, but I just don't know.

ER is definitely not an option. I went before and spent a week in the psych ward not able to leave (and my husband didn't come back from his trip, in fact he extended it...).

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I'm sorry ... I don't have anymore thoughts at the moment that might help, but wanted to let you know I read your response :)

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Hi Vesse- welcome to CB.Your situation sounds appaling.

I think you might get more responses to your question if it was posted on the Relationships board. I can move it for you if you'd like. Just post a response here and let me know.

Gearhead (admin)

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I'm sorry that you are going through this. I can empathize very much. When I went through my divorce I was majorly suicidal and ended up in the mental hospital. It's very painful. I don't have any magic words to make it all better. It took time and a lot of therapy just for me to be able to move on.

I have a question, though. You wrote: 

12 hours ago, Vesse said:

 ER is definitely not an option. I went before and spent a week in the psych ward not able to leave (and my husband didn't come back from his trip, in fact he extended it...).

I don't understand how the first sentence follows from the second. If you are unsafe and become a danger to yourself, please, go to the ER - especially while you are waiting these weeks for your pdoc to prescribe you some meds.

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On 17/09/2016 at 6:39 PM, jt07 said:

I don't understand how the first sentence follows from the second. If you are unsafe and become a danger to yourself, please, go to the ER - especially while you are waiting these weeks for your pdoc to prescribe you some meds.

The problem is I can't afford not to work at the moment.

I do feel much better though. I had a great realization yesterday. I think what I need to accept in order to move on is that he will never change. Not change for me or for our relationship. That is long over. I mean that he will never accept responsibility for how much he hurt me. That is what made me more upset than anything else. That he continuously hurt me without regard to how I felt. I have to acknowledge that I will never get the apology that I want, there will be no revenge (at least on my part, karma could do me a favor though lol). 

This has brought me tremendous peace. I need to stop devoting so much time and emotional energy to him because he just doesn't matter anymore.

Edited by Vesse

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9 hours ago, Vesse said:

The problem is I can't afford not to work at the moment.

I do feel much better though. I had a great realization yesterday. I think what I need to accept in order to move on is that he will never change. Not change for me or for our relationship. That is long over. I mean that he will never accept responsibility for how much he hurt me. That is what made me more upset than anything else. That he continuously hurt me without regard to how I felt. I have to acknowledge that I will never get the apology that I want, there will be no revenge (at least on my part, karma could do me a favor though lol). 

This has brought me tremendous peace. I need to stop devoting so much time and emotional energy to him because he just doesn't matter anymore.

That sounds like a great realization. You're right, he won't accept responsibility, from the sounds of things. It's a shame you'll never get that apology, but some people are just unable to accept that they hurt someone. They'd rather live in their own little world than own up to their mistakes.

Even if you don't want to go to a hospital, you can call crisis lines if you're having strong urges. They can really help. I've called one a couple of times and it was great to have someone trained in crisis help talk me through things. Maybe you can try that next time you're feeling suicidal urges.

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