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I'm an 18 year old female college student from CO, living in OR.

I'm unconfirmed BPD. I say unconfirmed because I've had no less than a dozen friends come up to me with the DSM-IV criteria for it commenting that I show 6 or 7 out of the 9 when you only need 5 to be diagnosed. My parents don't believe in psychological problems other than alzheimers and schizophrenia, so I wasn't allowed to get tested when I was younger, and now that I can go on my own, the prospect of being put into therapy or on meds scares me too much for me to go. I keep myself on specific caffeine rations to regulate my energy level, which in turn regulates my mood, more or less.

I spent the time from 6th grade until my Sophmore year in a depressed slump in which my grades fell lower and lower. I have an IQ of 184, so it's not that I'm incapable of doing the work, it was that I just didn't want to. I saw no point in homework when I already understood all the material, so I just sat in the back of the classroom reading and did the tests. This was compounded by the fact that I was my mother's prize child until I stopped getting straight As, at which point she became verbally abusive and started hiding me from my friends and the outside world. I wound up grounded from the internet and from seeing my friends for the entire summer between freshman and sophmore year because I failed two classes. It was at that point when I became masochistic, though I never failed a class again (in high school at least). I was never a severe cutter, but I would claw up my arms and legs with my fingernails. I also tried to kill myself three times that year, twice by jumping off my roof and once by taking a whole bottle each of tylenol and sudafed while my parents were gone for a weekend. The first left me with a dislocated rib one time and a few bruises the other, while the second knocked me out for the whole weekend.

In Junior year a friend found out about my suicide attempts when she caught me just before my fourth attempt, which was jumping off the school (a 70 foot drop, versus the 20 foot one I'd survived before.) She took me to the school's therapist, who tried talking to my parents about my behavior, which only got me grounded again. I continued talking to her behind their back, but because of my age (15) and my parent's lack of cooperation, she was unable to do more than talk to me once a week. This was enough to help me raise my grades and temporarily make me un-suicidal. That changed when my boyfriend and I started falling apart. I can't remember exactly what triggered it anymore, but I had one more sucide attempt, via drowning, at that point, and he couldn't handle that idea and just stopped talking to me. My mother caught me trying to drown myself but assumed I had simply fallen asleep in the bath. Neither of my parents believes I ever tried to kill myself, passing it off as my wanting to be more like my "weird friends".

With the help of my new boyfriend and a few very wonderful friends, I've managed to be completely free of suicide attempts for nearly two years, but it's gotten harder lately. My real parents were never married, and I'd been raised by my grandparents after the death of my real mother when I was two. I never knew my father, and he has just recently decided to come back into my life. Even after I told him that with the switch to college and everything else going on in my life, I can't handle him right now and would prefer to wait a couple years, he and his parents have continued to muscle their way into my life, and it's very frustrating. I now have five people telling me how to live my life instead of the two I'd been dealing with till now. Add onto this that my move to college took me away from all the friends I had before, and I'm having difficulties finding friends where I am, so my loneliness has become overwhelming to the point that I literally cry myself to sleep at night unless I can talk someone into talking with me on the phone until I sleep. My roommate couldn't handle my random fits of crying or of talking to myself (as an only child, I got very used to thinking out loud to fill the silence -- "there's no one else to talk to, might as well talk to myself") so she has now moved out. I'm slowly falling to pieces and lately have been waking up to find I've clawed my arms until they bleed again in my sleep.

I know I need to get some proffessional help, but the school's clinic has about a 2 week wait time, so I feel I need people there in the mean time.

...Wow, life story. I talk too much, but I guess it takes all kinds..

So ya... Hi. This is me.

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Hey, Lyra. =) This site is great. I've found it's really helpful. I had a bit of an episode this morning and found plently of people to talk to me about it. I was... paranoid, out the ass. Anyway, I hope you find the site useful. I certainly do. And I hope to keep seeing your poetry, too. It's really great.

Riche

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I'm an 18 year old female college student from CO, living in OR.

I'm unconfirmed BPD. I say unconfirmed because I've had no less than a dozen friends come up to me with the DSM-IV criteria for it commenting that I show 6 or 7 out of the 9 when you only need 5 to be diagnosed. My parents don't believe in psychological problems other than alzheimers and schizophrenia, so I wasn't allowed to get tested when I was younger, and now that I can go on my own, the prospect of being put into therapy or on meds scares me too much for me to go.

Hi Lyra, Welcome to CB. You are among friends and everything you said in your post has been experienced by someone here.

I encourage you to overcome your fears of proper treatment. It doesn't have to be scary, and proper psychiatric care is something we are very big on around here. Many of us white knuckle(ed) our mental difficulties on our own or with general practitioners, prolonging our suffering much longer than needed.

BTW, please stop jumping off buildings, my dear friend, Elizabeth, did that last summer and met her objective.

Take good care,

S9

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BTW, please stop jumping off buildings, my dear friend, Elizabeth, did that last summer and met her objective.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Worry not... I've developed a strong fear of heights because of all the random jumping. I can't more than a few feet off the ground without being firmly strapped in or else I freak.

I also throw up if I touch my wrists more than in passing. Hurray for built in self-defenses.

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  • 4 months later...

Hi. I'm glad you found some good friends to help you out (and listen), and got on meds while you are young as they may prevent progression.

I love your quote: In the beginning, God created the universe. This made a lot of people angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.

~Douglas Adams

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 4 weeks later...

A 70 foot drop won't kill you. I know you think it will, but it wont, and you'll feel really stupid for the next six months, having to live at your parents when they finally let you out of the hospital, and having your mom empty your catheter piss bag every couple of hours. So, uh, don't jump.

As for IQ, total bullshit. I alledgeldy have a 138. My ass. It's just that the way I think allows me to do tests well. Literally, I do tests well. You can give me a multiple choice right now on a subject I don't know and I can get over 75%. But, I don't gamble, as I'm not good at that (it's not luck, it's the way tests are made).

Good to have you here.

As I have no medical background, I can only suggest in a very amatuer way, in a way which cannot be held agaisnt me in a court of law, that you might like Lexapro. It totally rocks. I was on it for over a year and it worked great until it pooped out. Now I'm on WB, which, while it works better for me, has neat side effects, like, I can quit smoking, I can stop eating for long periods of time.

But, the teeth clenching I picked up with the Lex never seemed to go away.

ya know, I never did look up the side effects of The WB. I was too messed up when they put me on it.

But, hi, smart depressy gal. Take care of yourself. If you are going to try to damage yourself, don't do anything that will mess up your facial symmetry, at least not until your married. ;)

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Guest espressogrrl

Now I'm on WB, which, while it works better for me, has neat side effects, like, I can quit smoking, I can stop eating for long periods of time.

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