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I am a dumb ass

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Pre-seroquel I was like that a lot.  Now I'm just like that sometimes. 

I try and get in front of my fuckups as fast as I can so I don't let them kill me.  For example, I'd have left the boss voicemail or tried to make some other kind of contact to find out how bad I'd made things for myself as soon as possible.  I can't stand languishing in uncertainty.  Uncertainty always makes things worse.  If I've fucked up I want to know.

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Please tell me I'm not the only one dealing with such issues.  I feel like a freak.

you are definitely not the only one. what you describe is SO like how i used to be (and can still be to a lesser degree, on occasion.)

although it's taken a course of therapy and meds and practice, i've learned a few things things:

1.  if i'm anxious and i know there's nothing i can do about it (which you didn't at first), it is time to let go, but only therapy and meds helped me get less obsessive in that area.

2.  if i'm anxious, it's usually a sign that either i'm not sure if i should be taking action on something or i don't know what action to take. that's where you were at, and i echo VE about uncertainty! my therapist describes anxiety like having your feet on the accelerator and the brakes at the same time. it sucks, one winds up frozen and broken down. therefore:

3.  stop and breathe, talk about the situation with someone you trust if you're unsure on how to handle it, then handle it the best you can, and clean up any mess along the way as best you can. forgive yourself for not knowing or doing everything perfectly right away every time. the situation will pass, the universe will go on, and you are human.

now here's the good news. people with this level of integrity/perfectionism (which is, right now, taking a form more like anxiety/obession) make the best damn administrators in the world.

someone once complained that i was anal about paperwork.    my boss was quick to tell them, and me, that in my job that should be considered a compliment.

i hope that's helpful. good luck and aloha.

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