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finally did it...


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[taken from my lj]

anyways i was admitted voluntarily to the psych ward after literally being kicked out of my therapist's office because she had to shut down for the day. i was having a panic attack, and apparently she cared more about her office staff (whom she said 'were probably getting angry at almost half past 5) than she did me, i later realised.

so i go there and when my parents leave i instantly start having another panic attack, well the first one hadn't really ended i don't think but it did get worse. i pretty much fell asleep as soon as my bipap was brought in. this was at about midnightish. i hadn't slept the night before.

the next day i pretty much slept all day and was really hostile and didn't come out of my room. i felt paralysed, unable to get out of my bed. i thought i had made a mistake in signing the forms to admit myself because i was not thinking clearly, i was having a freaking panic attack, man.

but the next day i decided that i should go ahead and go with what the nurses said. i got up and ate lunch, and went to group later on. then i went to another group where we were playing outburst but got called out for a chest x-ray. >( my team woulda won if i was there i know it. then i forget what else happened. oh yeah my shrink came into my room late at night (damn she was a freakin' night owl, kept all her patients up all night just so we could see her for the day) and said we need to do an eeg but since i'm on anti-seizure medications it needs to be a sleep deprived eeg and i was like ok lets do it but then after she left like a half an hour later i was like OMFG i'm so tired. the nurses were like no no you have to stay up and i'm like NONONONONONONOOO I'M SLEEPING GOD DAMMIT. so i went to sleep and slept very good actually.

today or yesterday really i got to play Clue! and i won! harrr i beat the nurse lady, i got skillz yo. i talked more with people and was informed i had to room with another patient cause they were doing something with my room or something so i go and put all my stuff in there no big deal. another group after dinner, we watched, or attempted to, watch some movies. the dvd player was all screwed up or something. my shrink pulls me out of this group and asks me if i'm ready to go home. i VERY enthusiasticly say yes, lie and tell her i'm not hearing as many voices and blah blah when my parents get there for visitation, i go home.

it was very scary but i think it really really helped me.  i'm glad i did it.

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my shrink pulls me out of this group and asks me if i'm ready to go home. i VERY enthusiasticly say yes, lie and tell her i'm not hearing as many voices and blah blah when my parents get there for visitation, i go home.

it was very scary but i think it really really helped me.

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it was very scary but i think it really really helped me.  i'm glad i did it.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Min,

Good for you, gf. Did the same thing in June--my therapist didn't give me the boot, but he cancelled all his appts. for the rest of the day until I was safely under lock and key.

Best thing for me. I did the same, stayed in my room for 24 hours, slept, then joined in with the recommended group activities. You get tight quickly with folks in the nuthouse!

Our rec director was so goofy. It was good--to laugh. We beaded, listened to songs from the 60's and 70's and had to shout out the titles, goofy. He was into it. Wore high-waters, white socks, total comb-over kinda guy, but a heart of gold.

I'm glad you took the courage to go under your own steam. I hope I never have to go back, but if I do, I will. It was the helpful and educational for me.

Hugs,

Suze

p.s. I didn't really start feeling better, better til my drugs kicked in about 2 mos. later and I joined CB, both happened about the same time last September.

xo

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I am happy for you that everything turned out good. I was also wondering about the eeg? Any results?

Where I live, most of the mental health places closed and there is ONE place to go. You can't admit yourself because beds are so limited. You have to have a suicide plan to get  a bed. I walked up there once to see the floor and there is a nice long hallway (locked) you can look through a window at, that is for pediatric.

Then the adults are in with teens in a smaller glassed in ward, also locked. Glass? You can stand and gawk all you want. I will not go there unless absolutely going to kill myself.

I then saw colored pics people had done.

Now see, I am too much of a smart-ass to color pics and write nice things about the nurses on them. And I'm not good at board games, just don't care, so..I don't think I would do well.

But I am glad that you are feeling better.. ;)

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Now, I am NOT a psych nurse, never have been, never will be, but I cannot fathom what possible  things one could learn about a patient from playing Fucking CLUE!!

If beling good at board games means you're sane, then lock the doors, kiddies, I'll be in for the rest of my natural life, I am terrible at them and hate them and won't play well with others, and FUCK YOU if you try to make me.

What the HELL kind of therapy is that??  Just curious--

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Most of the time spent in a mental ward isn't therapy. Lots of cards, TV, and if it's a well-funded unit, arts and crafts. Doctors may meet with patients 30 minutes a day or less. A good hospital will have a lot of scheduled groups though.

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Sounds like you made a wise decision! I have voluntarily admitted myself two times (well, one not that voluntarily, i was taken away in handcuffs... but I agreed to stay there. But that's another story!) My psych ward didn't have any kind of therapy, just meetings with doctors a few times a week. We did play lots of card games though. And while not being really therapeutic I think it did some good at taking my mind away from stuff. So don't diss playing games! ;)

Oh, but we did have physiotherapy once a week. I usually overslept for that one.

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Food?!?!? The food where I went sucked big time. Reminds me of school food. Yuck!

My favourite part used to be coffee, but I've realized since then that coffee + me = very bad. I usually had to take Valium to "come down" from the coffee high. And on and on it went... Coffee, Valium, Coffee, Valium.... They did have kickass coffee though.

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Last place I went, they had menus they'd give us every morning, and you could circle whatever you wanted for the three meals the following day. Some people quickly got into a routine of using food as something to do. I started doing that on my last couple of days, but for the most part it was like having a nutritionist chef at your disposal. I'd have eggs and bacon with fruit, OJ, and coffee or waffles with fruit and coffee for breakfast, salads with lunch and dinner every day (choices of salads!!!), and the entrees were even a la carte. So you could specify meatloaf with green beans and potatoes instead of meatloaf with asparagus and mushrooms. Or whatever. And you could order as much side stuff as you wanted, for snacks in the fridge or whatever. Jello, apples, oranges, rice pudding, hot chocolate. They even had a crackers, cheese, and fruit plate. It was so awesome. I felt 100% better by the end of day one in that place. They had a lot of good groups too.

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Last place I went, they had menus they'd give us every morning, and you could circle whatever you wanted for the three meals the following day. Some people quickly got into a routine of using food as something to do. I started doing that on my last couple of days, but for the most part it was like having a nutritionist chef at your disposal. I'd have eggs and bacon with fruit, OJ, and coffee or waffles with fruit and coffee for breakfast, salads with lunch and dinner every day (choices of salads!!!), and the entrees were even a la carte. So you could specify meatloaf with green beans and potatoes instead of meatloaf with asparagus and mushrooms. Or whatever. And you could order as much side stuff as you wanted, for snacks in the fridge or whatever. Jello, apples, oranges, rice pudding, hot chocolate. They even had a crackers, cheese, and fruit plate. It was so awesome. I felt 100% better by the end of day one in that place. They had a lot of good groups too.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

...he wistfully reminisced. are you writing an ad for ..can't think of the word..so, "incarceration" will have to do. mmmm, sounds like you wouldn't mind going back. next mixed state, for sure!

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Now, I am NOT a psych nurse, never have been, never will be, but I cannot fathom what possible  things one could learn about a patient from playing Fucking CLUE!!

If beling good at board games means you're sane, then lock the doors, kiddies, I'll be in for the rest of my natural life, I am terrible at them and hate them and won't play well with others, and FUCK YOU if you try to make me.

What the HELL kind of therapy is that??  Just curious--

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I was in the psych ward of a major medical center (as opposed to a private mental hospital, not that that is relevant in anyway...BUT)

The recreational activities were part of a group, 45 minutes a day. The rest of the day was filled with other groups, the operative word being GROUP,  they tried to get us to use talk therapy, cognitive behavior exercises. Met with 2 pdocs, the big guy and his resident, separately every day...it was a full day. BTW, the rec activities, actually the groups too, were OPTIONAL. If you wanted to stay in your room the whole time, you could, but they would rag you to death about it. Til it was easier (and ultimately healthier) to participate.

I liked the beading, but we only did that one day. On nice days we'd go out in the "yard" just like prison. If you were really good you could get a pass to go outside and smoke or go to the snack bar for gummie bears. I was never this good. I think it's because I showed my admitting (resident) pdoc my boobies when I was checked in. Because he asked the ridiculous question, "do you have any significant scars? I have had breast reduction, so I flashed him.

I did have a suicide plan, actually several. I wouldn't divulge the details to my tdoc.

In PA, maybe federal--don't know--they have "202" where you sign yourself in, with a waiver that says you won't leave without giving them 72 hours to get a restraining order if they think you need to stay. A "302" is an involuntary committal. FWIW.

My aspie nephew, who likes to start fires, is often threatened by my brother that he is going to "302 your ass..."

I think if I had not 202'ed, my tdoc would have taken steps for 302, that whole ethical, I can't let her leave here as she has said she IS going to kill herself...thing...

Suze

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yes they changed my meds but didnt get to do the eeg yet.  my neuro had said he needed to do one so they said follow up with him.  they did change my meds (see sig) and i'm very happy on them!

i think the thing about the board games was to just have fun and take your mind off your problems and feel comfortable talking/playing with the other patients.  a lot of the other groups were more intense, focusing on the patients.  i just wrote about the games one because it was the most fun. xD

there was this one group where the therapist on the floor would come in and ask how you were doing, and all that, i only went to that once and didn't talk much, i think she knew i didn't really want to so she didn't ask me a lot.

another group was what your expectations were for being in the ward.  i said 'to get out!'  someone else said to get better and then the nurse guy (he was kinda hot ;) ) said, what are some differences between those two? and i was like, well, to get out i assume i will get better first, but i am thinking more negatively towards my answer to the question.  :x

in some aspects, i did have fun while i was there.  i wished i had gotten the numbers of some of the people there, LITERALLY EVERYONE was nice there.  i saw no fights, no outbursts, nothing weird.  it was TOTALLY different from what i expected.

i expect to get yelled at on monday when i go see my pdoc, but i'm going to tell her that i think it was partly my tdoc's fault i was in there in the first place.  and that i feel a lot better and actually enjoyed some parts of being in the ward.

did i miss any questions?

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I'm glad that you're doing better and feeling better now, Min. ;)   I didn't mean to say it is a bad thing for everyone..I just personally would not do good.  Can anyone say disaster...

How do you like the Trileptal? I have always been curious about it.

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Wow... Therapy groups, menus for food... It sure sounds good in the US!

Most of the people in my psych ward were long-term patients, and most of them were too damn psychotic to participate in groups, or even talking to people. All we had to do during the days was smoke and watch TV, and since I don't watch TV I became a chain-smoker as a bonus.

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i expect to get yelled at on monday when i go see my pdoc, but i'm going to tell her that i think it was partly my tdoc's fault i was in there in the first place.  and that i feel a lot better and actually enjoyed some parts of being in the ward.
I can't imagine your pdoc being bugged about this.  Why do you think s/he would be?
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Glad to hear you're feeling so much better, Min.

I was hospitalized 4 times in one year, for a total of 7 out of 12 months. That was back in 1979-1980; I think lengthy stays were more common then, plus the arsenal of available meds was far fewer. Each time was voluntary. I could tell you many stories, both good and bad. The main thing was I did get a lot out of it.

Ah, what the hell...I'll reminisce a bit. The first hospital, which was run by well-meaning but clueless Seventh Day Adventists (sorry, no offense meant to any of you who are SDAs). The food was horrible. Not just that it was vegetarian; I'm a vegetarian myself. Just simply bad, sometimes inedible. Years later I was in the same hospital for hand surgery; my roommate and I would order maybe 3-4 times as much food as we'd need -- basically everything on the menu -- just to find something we could eat!

What I did to deal with the boredom there was to play "solitary" ping-pong. I'd push the ping-pong table up against a wall and play across it. Got really good at it. ;)

The second hospital was completely different. Was gestalt-oriented. Lots of groups. I can't even remember getting bored there.

You're right, Min. I met some of the greatest people at both hospitals. Certainly some of the most courageous people I think I'll ever meet.

I'm so glad you got past your fears and did this for yourself. You should be proud, kiddo!

Best wishes,

revlow

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i expect to get yelled at on monday when i go see my pdoc, but i'm going to tell her that i think it was partly my tdoc's fault i was in there in the first place.  and that i feel a lot better and actually enjoyed some parts of being in the ward.
I can't imagine your pdoc being bugged about this.  Why do you think s/he would be?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

cause i screwed with my geodon and didn't take the full dose >>

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