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Emotional Manipulation


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I should not be allowed to interact with people. EVER. Under any circumstances.

I'm more or less asexual. Various reasons. But I have lots of friends. And this one set of friends had another friend whom I met on a really bad day, we're playing cards, these friends are trying to make me feel better. I make a joke, "Hey, new friend, we should get married."

OOPS. I thought it was safe; we had just met, it was funny in context of the conversation. Except, well, not.

The guy had enough information about me to know that I was a waste of time. That I am his diametric opposite politically and religiously. That I'm fucked up. Weird, strange, not in a good way, prone to jerking people around and general emotional fuckwittage.

However, he fell for me anyway.

I  was trying so hard not to hurt him that I led him on and made him think there was more to it. FUCK. And now I'm afraid that not only will I lose his friendship...becuase he is a nice guy who I would like to be FRIENDS with, although I accept I brought the loss on myself...but that I'll lose the friendship of the other two. Becuase they knew this guy before me, and loyalty might compel that they take his side. I haven't talked to them about the situation; it's not nice to talk behind people's back.

I'm just a bitch.

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BeckaJo

Is it just that joke alone which constitutes your flirting with him, or have you flirted further? I'm just trying to determine whether there has been a point where you realised that he liked you and you took advantage of that, or whether your negative view of yourself leads you to assume that you have lead him on.

Assuming that you have led him on, I guess all that you can do is be honest and reiterate that friendship is all that you can offer him, and various things caused you to flirt, and that you're truly sorry and would like to start over. Then the ball is in his court. Remember that his falling in love with you wasn't your fault, that is his emotional choice, you can't be held responsible.

It's probably worth finding out why you need to sexualise friendships into flirtation.

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BeckaJo

Is it just that joke alone which constitutes your flirting with him, or have you flirted further? I'm just trying to determine whether there has been a point where you realised that he liked you and you took advantage of that, or whether your negative view of yourself leads you to assume that you have lead him on.

Assuming that you have led him on, I guess all that you can do is be honest and reiterate that friendship is all that you can offer him, and various things caused you to flirt, and that you're truly sorry and would like to start over. Then the ball is in his court. Remember that his falling in love with you wasn't your fault, that is his emotional choice, you can't be held responsible.

It's probably worth finding out why you need to sexualise friendships into flirtation.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Now, see, that's the thing. The only overtly sexual or flirtatious thing that I did was the 'proposal.' Now, yes, that sounds completely over the top. BUT in the context of the conversation at the time, and the type of humor that we all, as a group, enjoy, it wasn't serious and I thought it was taken as a joke. The other people at the table took it that way. I was introduced to this guy as my friend's "lesbian friend." I am not interested in men that way, period. I'm barely even interested in women that way, either.

I do not flirt, at least not conciously. I do not allow people to touch me, ever, even handshakes. When does something become flirting? If I am interested in what a person's saying, is that flirting? Is saying someone is smart a come-on? He's a smart guy and we're both geeks. Is sharing a common interest flirting? I wore a nice shirt when we went (as a group) to the movies - was that flirting? Do I have to police every single thing I say and do so that I don't lead people on? Maybe I need to give up on trying to be friends with anyone. I always fuck it up anyway. If the things I listed above constitute flirting, then there's no way to keep a friendship from moving into dangerous territory.

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I don't think that anything that you listed could be classed as anything other than friendliness in a platonic sense. I sense from what you're saying and the language that you're using that you fear that you're sending out the wrong signals and being misunderstood, you seem like a genuine person who doesn't get off on leading people on.

If that was all you did, one joke, then you have to stand by your truth, that you weren't flirting, and let him decide how to react. So you make a joke, it doesn't mean that you then have to date him. If he falls in love it really is his business, not yours, even though it feels like you did something to make it happen. If he is at al reasonable he will want to be friends, and your mutual friends should do too.

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Plus you use very dramatic and extreme language, particularly in a negative way toward yourself. Someone getting the wrong idea from your innocent behaviour doesn't make you this horrific person who should be shut away from all people in case she hurts them. I wonder if you would hold a friend to the same impossibly high standard that you hold yourself to?

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No offense intended - but it looks like the greatest of all your emotional manipulations are perpetrated upon yourself.

Don't be unrealistic about your responsibility OR your importance in this situation. If this guy "falls" for a joke such as you describe, the probelm is HIM, not you. It wouldn't matter a bit who you are, only that you said it.

Let it go.

pigs

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It doesn't sound like this situation is your fault at all.

You don't mention taking advantage of him in any way.

You didn't intentionally cause it.

If he's really that nice a guy, then he'll understand when you tell him.

If he doesn't, it's possible he's got a lot of problems to work out himself.

I've been on the burned end of emotional manipulation a few times...And this doesn't sound like it at all.

It seems more like you tried to be friends and he took it the wrong way...It happens, but it still isn't your fault.

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