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bi polar is starting to gnaw again


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I have been med free since Septemberish and doing amazingly well - my therapist was terrified that i would "become a handful" and I havent but i start to feel it coming on. I'm not med free by choice but because of underlying insurance issues and my husbands inability to cope with the constant instability that my meds search took me on - i was, in all honetsy, a medicated mess. I was worse on medications then when I started looking for help. I guess the meds in a way got me through the bad times by taking my focus off of what was wrong with me and instead bringing what was wrong with me and themeds to teh forefront. The only meds that even sort of helped was Seroquil - suddenly all teh stict in my head stopped, i could concentrate, was getting projects done, was keeping up with teh house but was disconnected from people. I wasnt hearing what they were saying to me, I was sympathetic or empathetic, caring for my children became more of an assembly line than my typical motherly thing. One day I noticed the phenominal weight gain and terrifed thoughts of diabetes risks raced trhough my head. My GP was NOT happy with my weight especially consideing my elevated risk for diabetes and that scared me enough to be taken off of Seroquel. Things slide into a hole and were worse and worse until i decided that I was better with out medication - turns out I'm better without that particular Pdoc too. My therapist is saying perhaps i'm cyclothymic... he thinks I am ADD, OCD, GAD marked by panic attacks, and possibly tha I fall somewhere on the autistic spectrum. My biggest struglle is maintaining a hold on life, keeping the everyday from burying me and this anger that just bubbles up - it makes me impatient and it makes me yell (something i hate to do). I can not seek a new Tdoc until March how do i get through till then? I am fairly certain ive spent great periods of my life hypomanic, its a little scary but managable. This anger and depression is hard. I know it's creeping back in because my brother has moved in with us...

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"Maybe somewhere on the autistic spectrum?" Oh, that's fun. I'm glad, at least, that your psychiatrist isn't using this possibility as an excuse for writing off dealing with any other issues (ADD, depression, etc), as others might. *fumes silently at unnamed practitioners*

Whenever meds are again a possibility, there is probably something that will help level things out to a functional range without slowly killing you in the process. You probably have a list already of what has not worked, and how. Keep it. There might be clues there to help find a better drug.

For now, I don't know. I've always just hung on my my fingernails. That's not really an option for you, I know. Part of why I left my former field of study was because unmedicated, my emotional outbursts could make a lasting impact on little ones.

Small things. I would change from one thing to the next, shifting ground to counter shifting moods. Deep breaths. Closed eyes. Fingers in ears. Massaging temples. If I felt too exposed, I'd wear a hoodie with the hood up, perhaps with a scarf, to feel slightly more protected. If I felt too open, I would try very very hard to only speak when spoken to, and then only a few sentences. (I always failed, but sometimes this helped cut down on pressured speech. I had to try.) If I became furious with someone or something, I would hold back my yelling for at least five seconds while I thought things through and tried to calm myself down (finger circling, finger circling). My thoughts would still be everywhere, but sometimes the attempt made a difference. I made many lists. If I was flying high, they'd include everything from "brush teeth" to "coordinate campaign to Premier against XXXXX." I'd then, if I was not totally gone, put lines through the things which were crazy, the things which were out of line, the things which involved spending more than X number of dollars. If I felt like shit, I would make a very basic list: get up. Shower. Put on clean clothes. Eat cereal (remember milk). And so on. I've had to write directions to myself on how to shower before. If there are specific tasks which give you trouble when you're depressed, and you respond well to textual input, perhaps writing directions to yourself on how to do things (with all steps in order) might help you, too.

You've probably tried explaining your mood disorder to your children in the past. Keep doing it. Human beings learn incrementally. They will understand different things as they grow. Keep reminding them that you love them, even when you're sick, and that none of this is their fault. It still hurts, but true words minimize the damage. You really do love them. Keep showing them that whenever and however you can.

Sometimes my journal has been a very good therapist to me. Perhaps you could try starting one?

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Thanks for your replies I noticed my trade mark speeling and typing errors. I hope it didnt make my post to difficult to understand. I meant to say I cant get a new Pdoc till March, my Tdoc is wonderful, he is seeing me for $40 a visit until my insurance can kick back in. He refused to dump me when it became glaringly obvious that insurance was going to leave me in a lurch and all local free or reduced rate options were being absorbed by a needier group - Hurricane Katrina victims. I have a nice list of meds I have tried in the past

Paxil

Lexapro

Risperdal

Abilify

Ativan

Seroquel

Lithium (this was only tried in conjunction with Seroquel never alone)

Wellbutrin

Klonopin

Xanax (i still take this as a rescue med for my panic attacks or as a prevenative when walking into situations that cause panic attacks)

I'm thankful that my Tdoc does not blow off my other issues like my exPdoc did. When i told my ExPdoc of my lock check and skin picking he told me "not to worry about it" Um uh huh.. stupidly I concealed these things from my Pdoc until recently thinking that he wouldnt want to deal with it either. Thank GOD i told him, i am now coping better with them as he is doing some behavioral modification therapies that help keep these problems at a more tolerable level (he can not rid me of them completely as it seems to be tied to my brain chemistry and not just my PTSD type issues - oh i forgot that one PTSD too in addition to the other issues , sigh).

I can see my GP - which is whom i cnvinced to refill my Xanax script but i will not trust my GP to try and DX and RX my conditions considering that they sent me over the edge to begin with.

My old GP thought i had mommy depression and put me on Lexapro. I was doing well for a little bit and started having fantasies about driving off teh road into ravines or smashing into trees. I returned and they switched me to Paxil thinking that lexapro was just not right for me. DH's company then dropped our old insurance and we lost all our doc and had to start fresh with an HMO instead of an open plan. They assigned me to a new GP. I took my daughter in for an ear infections and asked whether they were equipped to deal with depression and told them what i was on and how I seemed to be getting worse. I was looking to make an appointment for myself - No need they said. They did not have a chart on me, nor my records - he just wrote me a script for a higher dose of Paxil and said that should take care of it. Not 2 weeks later I was crouched in my kitchen crying with the insurance company trying desperatly to get refferals to a Pdoc. I called all over and was told I'd have to wait months. It seemed too good when the ExPdocs office called me back with a cancellation for the following week. i greedily booked it up and counted myself lucky. In retrospect it was not so good - eh live and learn

my children are young 3.5 and 2 so their understanding of my problems is very limited. I worry about my 3.5 yr old she seems to be showing some signs of bi polar but nothing overly worrisome yet - just glimmers. I'd like to have at least 1 more child but is that fair? Should I dare play genetic roulette because i want to complete my family? Themost stabil I have ever felt was after the birth of my second child, we fell into a groove, my little family and I. I wish my husband's sister and her huby and son had never come to live with us, they knocked me off my axis. they brough stress and violence into my life then my stupid GP pushed me over the edge never considering that an SSRI intolerance my be bipolar instead of a need for a higher SSRI dose

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You've probably heard this from me already, but My Many Colored Days by Dr. Seuss talks about how someone's feelings can change from day to day, and sometimes they can be lots of things at once.  It might be helpful in explaining why your behavior varies so widely.  Just keep emphasizing how much you love them with your words and actions whenever you can. 

I have enormous respect for people attempting to parent through their BP.  I can't understand how hard it is (yet).  I'm also not going to pretend that seeing your mood swings isn't frightening for your girls.  But still, your posts give every indication that you are a really good, caring mom.  You're doing the best you can in shitty circumstances.  That's all anyone can ask. 

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