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Candily

Sensorimotor OCD

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Hi there, 

I'm Camille, I just found your forum. 

It's been 3 months now, I'm constantly aware of my eyes blinking and it's absolutely killing me. Every morning when I wake up, the first thing i think is "will I be thinking about my blinking  all day today, will I ever forget about this?". I can't stand being in the 'present' moment, I am constantly trying to occupy my mind so I think of anything other than my blinking.  I have tried to just 'accept' it and let the thought and awareness be there, but it just wont budge  I understand that it's the fear that I will never be able to stop thinking about my blinking  that brings the thought back time and time again, but how can I lose that fear, when I really am scared that I wont be able to stop thinking about it? I'm just so scared and anxious that this won't go away! I've had it in the past but it went. This time it's worse than ever and so strong. I'm  scared that I will be stuck with this forever. I'm finding it sooooo hard to cope, I can't even get out of bed today. I keep thinking about a life without this awareness, which is what I had only 3 months  ago, and then imagining that I will never get that back and it's making me soo sad and depressed.  I would rather not be alive that live with this ! Has anyone had any expereince with this or even better found a way to overcome it ? 

All I want to do is sleep so I dont have to think anymore.

 

Edited by Candily

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Welcome to CB :)

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.  It really sucks to have this one thought running around in your head all the time.  Makes it hard to concentrate, among other things.

57 minutes ago, Candily said:

I'm just so scared and anxious that this won't go away! I've had it in the past but it went.

(IMO) There is probably a chance this is something that could go away, or even lessen, which would be better than now.  It went away in the past, right? (see in bold above)

 

Are you on any medication for this?  I'm not sure of your diagnosis/diagnoses and if on other meds also.

Do you see a therapist (tdoc) and/or a psychiatrist (pdoc)?  If not already, I'd suggest seeing a tdoc to talk to about it and possibly learning some coping skills to help you through it.  And if not already, I'd suggest a pdoc if you are on or need meds.

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Yes I see a psychiatrist and I'm already on meds but unfortunately I never found a therapist for this kind of OCD : ERP doesn't work.

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You might try looking into acceptance and commitment therapy. It's going to drive you nuts because there is a very big part of it that focuses on mindfulness. But the thing people don't always realise about mindfulness is there are LOTS of things to be aware of in any given moment even though there's a dominant thought overriding your mind. There are also movement/moving ways to increase mindfulness or to practice it.

ACT comes to mind because you talk about being so afraid that you won't ever stop being able to think about it, and one of the core concepts of ACT is learning how the effort of "not thinking about it" is actually making things worse and what you can do instead.

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2 hours ago, Candily said:

Yes I see a psychiatrist and I'm already on meds but unfortunately I never found a therapist for this kind of OCD : ERP doesn't work.

Do you think the meds are helping at all with the constant thought running around your head all the time?  What does your pdoc think about it?

Also ... is it the same thought you have every day, or does it change from time to time?

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Thanks for your replies!

I've an appointment with a new therapist in 10 days and she practices ACT therapy. Maybe it will help.

For the meds I don't know, my psychiatrist has increased them last week : escitalopram 40 mg and risperidone 4mg. It's a lot... And it's almost the same thought everyday, sometimes changing for breathing but never for a long time.

By the way, English is not my language, sorry if I do mistakes...

 

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2 hours ago, Candily said:

By the way, English is not my language, sorry if I do mistakes...

No need to be sorry :)

I'm glad you have found a tdoc ... I hope you get some more help in getting this thought off your mind!

Have you tried anafranil (helps with OCD, along  with depression) or desipramine?  I know desipramine is an anti-depressant, but I was given it also (after anafranil) for OCD way back when.  I have tried both of these meds and they haven't worked for me, but YMMV.  I'm only one person in the crowd.  Maybe others can chime in too.

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