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out for three weeks


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so i have made it just to three weeks of being out of hospital which means i have made it that long plus the two weeks i was in hospital with no self harm.

but i am really starting to slip. tonight i had the worst feelings of self harm. i really wanted to hurt myself. so badly that i was nearly in tears trying to fight the urge.

;) im really upset about all the weight i have put on the past year from meds. and i look at my hideous body and i just want to hurt it. i want to cut it up and make it ugly like the fat isnt bad enough

please i need some support i need to know that it will be ok and that it is ok to sometimes hurt still and that it wont mean that i will actually hurt myself. i feel like an alcoholic who wants a drink.

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This may be totally inappropriate for me to answer as I am not a self - injurer (physically) However i continually put myself in situations that further injure me mentally AND I am addicted to several things:food, sex, relationships,alcohol, internet, blah blah blah.  Your note about feeling like an alcoholic needing a drink struck me as something I could respond to. I  believe that with enough determination & help human beings can overcome most, if not all, of their addictions,/behavior.  You can tell me shut up or fuck off or whatever but wanting to not do this anymore, not doing it anymore (even if for one hour at a time) IS a positive change, means that you are overcoming it. Also, your plea with no answers made me sad for you. Just believe that you can do this, ask for help from others, and again tell me to fuck off if you want: Is there a 12 step program in your area for a broad variety of things? I belong to one group for ALL of my addictions (there are self-injurers in my group) and am working on the most dangerous ones first and am also working with art therapy. I am drawing the most grusome ugly monsters, saddest lost children I've ever seen and when I am feeling ugly, depressed, suicidal etc. I draw draw draw and do some journaling.

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so i have made it just to three weeks of being out of hospital which means i have made it that long plus the two weeks i was in hospital with no self harm.

but i am really starting to slip. tonight i had the worst feelings of self harm. i really wanted to hurt myself. so badly that i was nearly in tears trying to fight the urge.

;) im really upset about all the weight i have put on the past year from meds. and i look at my hideous body and i just want to hurt it. i want to cut it up and make it ugly like the fat isnt bad enough

please i need some support i need to know that it will be ok and that it is ok to sometimes hurt still and that it wont mean that i will actually hurt myself. i feel like an alcoholic who wants a drink.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Iona_Viona,

first of all, five weeks is a great accomplishment.  with that said, i know that this is a very difficult struggle and there are times when i too get the worst feelings to self harm and fighting the urges gets.... tough and, in the moment, can almost feel impossible.  it hurts, i know, but you did keep yourself safe... you know you can do it.  it is scary, it is hard, and it isnt something that will just go away.  i have nights just like you have described as well.  it is ok to still hurt and, just because that happens, it does not necessarily mean that you are going to hurt yourself. it is all about emotional regualtion and gaining control of our emotions and the situations that might trigger us.  you have demonstrated your strength and i am certain that, in time, it will get easier for you.  with support, therapy, will, time, etc. things will get better.  you have support here.... you are *not* alone...

take care of yourself and let us know how you're doing

xo

~Ophelia

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so i have made it just to three weeks of being out of hospital which means i have made it that long plus the two weeks i was in hospital with no self harm.

but i am really starting to slip. tonight i had the worst feelings of self harm. i really wanted to hurt myself. so badly that i was nearly in tears trying to fight the urge.

;) im really upset about all the weight i have put on the past year from meds. and i look at my hideous body and i just want to hurt it. i want to cut it up and make it ugly like the fat isnt bad enough

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

IV,

You are doing really well. You have FIVE weeks of no SI.  That's more than a month!  You have the strength to NOT SI.  Is there something else that you can do when these feelings overwhelm you?  Pound a pillow, scream, write, clean house, exercise, draw....  Distract yourself with something else when the thoughts start taking over your mind.  If your weight is upsetting you, the way you can "get back" at the weight that's hurting you is to exercise it away when you have feelings of SI.  I know what it is to feel that your body is gross and hideous.  I wish I had better advice for you.  Know that we are here for you through this hard time you're having...

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Take pride in your achievements, say to yourself - "It has been 5 weeks without self injury!" and give yourself a pat on the back. Take pride in the positive, also try to do the same with your eating disorder. I know weight gain from meds is a  tough thing to swallow, but if you manage to impose some sort of discipline upon your eating and exercising, you will feel more in control and proud of yourself. Im using the Atkins diet (though its not for everyone and its health benefits/disadvantages have yet to be ascertained) to shed the extra weight, it imposes a struture and discipline on my life, cuts down my cravings for alcohol and I feel great! You might want to work out an eating plan (not an unreasonably harsh one) and stick rigidly to it. I know its difficult to exercise discipline when your eating is out of control, but you don't get anything in this life without exercising self-control. I have been in the same position as you. Keep up the fight! If I can do it, anyone can!

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  • 2 weeks later...

5 weeks is quite an accomplishment! We are all very proud of you, Iona! You've got a big cheering section here at CB!

So much of life is "If it's not one thing, it's another!" and this is no different. The weight gain is just what your brain is focusing on as an excuse to go back to its addiction, which is self harm, in your case. If you hadn't gained weight, it would've been something else. I don't say that to make you feel hopeless, though! It's to show you that your SI habit is feeling threatened, and is grasping at straws! You are scaring it! It might feel like crap, but it means you're winning! And you WILL win this war. When you feel like giving in, come here, read a book, watch tv, do some laundry... whatever it takes. The longer you go without harming yourself, the easier it will become to resist the SI triggers.

I believe in you Iona! This is a bump in the road, and you're going to get through it.

And... one final little thing... If you give in one time and hurt yourself, it DOES NOT mean you've failed! It DOES NOT mean that this whole decision to stop is useless! It means you oops'd. That's it. So don't you dare beat yourself up over it, or decide that you might as well give up. An oops does not destroy a recovery unless you let it.

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