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Not many of you know me, infact probably none of you. But I just picked myself up off the kitchen floor where I had been laying in my own tears and snot for hours, so I figured at least trying to write something out might be helpful. 

And where better to do that than somewhere people might actually understand and not tell me to get over it?.

So here it goes.

My name is eleni delacour (yes the suicidal bullied girl from bbc news -sigh-, )I have depression, anxiety, bpd, ptsd and lately a while lot of migraines. 

I grew up around crime, my mum was a drug dealer and dad and stepdad both abusers, bla bla bla you get the jist.  

I spent years not being able to handle physical contact and being afraid of the outside world. 7 years ago I moved to England thinking my life would change. Well it did but it didn't improve, school bullies changed faces but kept their cruelty, my mum got a legit job but still lied and became a hypocrit. 

So everything changed but at the same time nothing changed. I still was mentally ill and I got worse, panic attacks began suicidal attempts were constantly on my thoughts... again you get the jist.

5 years ago I met someone who changed my life for the better, he forced me into hugs not drugs, he made me fall madly inlove with him.

Hooray happily ever after! Not!  

To this day he is the most amazing person in my life. But the rest of my life is crashing down around me, I finally found my reason to live, and it's slowly becoming my reason to die. 

4 years ago I had a mental breakdown at work and lost my job, they put me on strong medication and signed me 'unfit'for work. I was still living with my mother who insisted I went on benefits even though I really didn't want to take money from the goverment. 

So yay, I had money. I paid rent to my mum and stayed in my room most of the time, out of the way and best of all away from people. But that wasn't good enough for her, she held an 'intervention'on my lifestyle. I didn't do drugs, I didn't drink, as long as I was left alone then I couldn't cause trouble. Couldn't lose control. Couldn't hurt anyone. 

But her ideas were different, a bed time, a waking up time, an exercise plan and food plan, scheduled meals and social interaction... no, I didn't want this I just wanted to be left alone. 

After I said no she kicked me out. Then lied saying she didn't so I would have no choice but to return home and follow her schedules and plans. I know she done it out of love but she also done it out of selfishness and guilt. Mostly guilt. 

So after a few months her and her new boyfriend decide they are done with responsibilities. My sister and I were given a date to move out by because my mum decided we were old enough to look after ourselves. Fair enough. 

But being unemployed, unfit for work, drugged up, depressed, and just downright nowhere near ready  didn't matter to her. 

My boyfriend, the truly amazing man that he is moved out of his mother's and we got a flat together to save me from the fate of homelessness, and suicidal behaviour at the thought of losing my cats (They are my children. Don't judge) and one has brain damage and would be put down if not cared for. 

And this is when it's all began, life decided it hasn't kicked me in the nuts enough already so after finding a flat to live in that allowed pets and was affordable once you add up my partner's wages and my benefits, my doctors discharged me as a patient without teĺling me which left me with no meds for 6 weeks, then I found out that by moving in with my partner the goverment now class his wages as mine and took away the little money they have me to live, then I lost all my friends and my volunteer job because I couldn't cope under pressure once. And after all this wasn't enough the goverment have decided I now owe them £2000. Which I found out today. 

We can barely survive on what we have but they just want more from us. And I'm still not allowed to work. 

I think I'm due another mental breakdown. 

The reason for this whole history lesson on my life is this, I feel like a burden.

I feel like all I am doing is costing people money and making their lives difficult. I don't know if it sounds nuts or not considering I love my boyfriend and he loves me. But i want to die, I want to die because I feel like it would be best for him.

Without me he could afford to live and not just survive. I'm stuck in a shot storm and there's nothing I can do to make anything better except cut the head off the snake. I am the root of the problems and I need to go. 

It's the only logical thing I could do to fix this. But I can't bring myself to do it because of how much it would hurt him. But sometimes the things that are best for us don't make us happy, he wouldn't be happy for a while but he would be able to live. 

Ha and to think I was worried about Christmas!  

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Hi, welcome to CB!

I'm so sorry you have had to live like this!  It is good that you are talking about it, that is a positive step.

2 hours ago, hexryan said:

But that wasn't good enough for her, she held an 'intervention'on my lifestyle. I didn't do drugs, I didn't drink, as long as I was left alone then I couldn't cause trouble. Couldn't lose control. Couldn't hurt anyone. 

But her ideas were different, a bed time, a waking up time, an exercise plan and food plan, scheduled meals and social interaction... no, I didn't want this I just wanted to be left alone. 

After I said no she kicked me out. Then lied saying she didn't so I would have no choice but to return home and follow her schedules and plans. I know she done it out of love but she also done it out of selfishness and guilt. Mostly guilt. 

What a fuckin nightmare.   Idk how I would have handled that when living in my parents house years ago.  Not easily, for sure.

How would that be done (in part) out of love?  I'm not sure what you mean by that.

I'm so glad you found someone you love so much ... that is a blessing.

2 hours ago, hexryan said:

(They are my children. Don't judge)

We don't judge here :) 

2 hours ago, hexryan said:

And this is when it's all began, life decided it hasn't kicked me in the nuts enough already so after finding a flat to live in that allowed pets and was affordable once you add up my partner's wages and my benefits, my doctors discharged me as a patient without teĺling me which left me with no meds for 6 weeks, then I found out that by moving in with my partner the goverment now class his wages as mine and took away the little money they have me to live, then I lost all my friends and my volunteer job because I couldn't cope under pressure once. And after all this wasn't enough the goverment have decided I now owe them £2000. Which I found out today. 

(in bold 1) ... how did your DR discharge you as a patient ... do you mean they just stopped seeing you?  And without meds?  Have you thought about finding a new psychiatrist (pdoc) so you can get your meds?   (or someone who can prescribe your meds).

(in bold 2 - 3)  I'm sorry the government screwed you over, and that you lost all your friends and volunteer job all because of one bad day.  Unfortunately people without MI don't get the concept of someone having a bad day, just like every other person in the world has had at one point or another.  It is like if something really bad happens to someone, people without MI cry etc.  BUT if you have MI and you cry, then people sometimes start saying the crying is because of the MI.  Like WTF, you know?  Aren't we able to just cry just like the people without the MI?

And that totally is not cool about owing the government all that money ... did they give you a reason why? 

2 hours ago, hexryan said:

The reason for this whole history lesson on my life is this, I feel like a burden.

You aren't a burden. Idk what to say to prove that, but IMO you are not a burden.  You aren't here on CB, anyways.

You are having a really shit day.  I hope you have some hope in you that things will get better.  Maybe not now, but in time.  Waiting for "that" time where things get better might be really hard ... but by waiting you will most likely be doing a lot better than you feel right now when things start to get better.  I wish you peace and strength.

 

Edited by melissaw72

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Hey Melissa. Well the part about the intervention and kicking me out: it was partly out of love because she thought of I did things that way it might partly cure me, it's ignorant and stupid but it was in her own way trying to help me get better, but selfish because I know it wasn't for me it was for her. She thought fixing me would fix her mistakes. But we all know that's not as easy as that. 

Now the part about my doctor: when I moved in with my partner and changed my address I moved away from the area the doctors covers. So if I leave that town I have to leave that doctor. But I didn't know that so when I changed the address they took me off the patient list but didn't contact me to tell me, so when I ordered my prescriptions they didn't send them to the pharmacy because I wasn't a patient anymore. And it took 6 weeks for the paperwork to go through to register with a new gp to get my medication back. 

To make things even more complicated the mental health team I was seeing messed me around a while ago and stopped seeing me when it was supposed to be every two weeks because my care coordinator left and they never gave me a new one. I kept contacting them and so did my doctor but they never replied and never returned my calls. Even when I begged them to help me with an emergency prescription for that six weeks they never helped me. Never returned my calls just ditched me. Then said a month later I am being taken off their system because I hadn't had an apointment in so long. Which I had been trying to get the whole time!  And to this day they haven't seen me again no matter how hard I try. And they denied me cbt because the nhs doesn't cover it in my area. Even though all my paperwork said I needed that treatment. 

 

It's a really shit day and it's really hard to keep going. Even the little things are shit today, flu jab making me feel like crap, the shopping arrived with half of it missing, kitchen sink backed up... one of those days. 

But I currently have a cat on my lap and of course you guys at cb. I looked at my old posts after writing this and noticed my last post was about the intervention! Shows how it made me feel. 

Life sucks but I'm gonna keep trying.

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Oh and there reason for wanting money from me is because they reckon that's how much they've given me that I wasn't 'entitled' to and they want it back. 

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2 hours ago, hexryan said:

Hey Melissa. Well the part about the intervention and kicking me out: it was partly out of love because she thought of I did things that way it might partly cure me, it's ignorant and stupid but it was in her own way trying to help me get better, but selfish because I know it wasn't for me it was for her. She thought fixing me would fix her mistakes. But we all know that's not as easy as that. 

Now the part about my doctor: when I moved in with my partner and changed my address I moved away from the area the doctors covers. So if I leave that town I have to leave that doctor. But I didn't know that so when I changed the address they took me off the patient list but didn't contact me to tell me, so when I ordered my prescriptions they didn't send them to the pharmacy because I wasn't a patient anymore. And it took 6 weeks for the paperwork to go through to register with a new gp to get my medication back. 

To make things even more complicated the mental health team I was seeing messed me around a while ago and stopped seeing me when it was supposed to be every two weeks because my care coordinator left and they never gave me a new one. I kept contacting them and so did my doctor but they never replied and never returned my calls. Even when I begged them to help me with an emergency prescription for that six weeks they never helped me. Never returned my calls just ditched me. Then said a month later I am being taken off their system because I hadn't had an apointment in so long. Which I had been trying to get the whole time!  And to this day they haven't seen me again no matter how hard I try. And they denied me cbt because the nhs doesn't cover it in my area. Even though all my paperwork said I needed that treatment. 

 

It's a really shit day and it's really hard to keep going. Even the little things are shit today, flu jab making me feel like crap, the shopping arrived with half of it missing, kitchen sink backed up... one of those days. 

But I currently have a cat on my lap and of course you guys at cb. I looked at my old posts after writing this and noticed my last post was about the intervention! Shows how it made me feel. 

Life sucks but I'm gonna keep trying.

 

2 hours ago, melissaw72 said:

Hi, welcome to CB!

I'm so sorry you have had to live like this!  It is good that you are talking about it, that is a positive step.

What a fuckin nightmare.   Idk 

We don't judge here :) 

 

  You aren't here on CB, anyways.

You are having a really shit day.  I hope you have some hope in you that things will get better.  Maybe not now, but in time.  Waiting for "that" time where things get better might be really hard ... but by waiting you will most likely be doing a lot better than you feel right now when things start to get better.  I wish you peace and strength.

 

Thank you :) didn't know how to quote with above comments but I think I've done it this time.

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2 hours ago, hexryan said:

Now the part about my doctor: when I moved in with my partner and changed my address I moved away from the area the doctors covers. So if I leave that town I have to leave that doctor. But I didn't know that so when I changed the address they took me off the patient list but didn't contact me to tell me, so when I ordered my prescriptions they didn't send them to the pharmacy because I wasn't a patient anymore. And it took 6 weeks for the paperwork to go through to register with a new gp to get my medication back. 

I would be pissed if someone didn't tell me a very important detail like this.  Just taking you off a list and not telling you that it happened just isn't right, especially when it deals with meds.  And 6 weeks to get the meds is a very long time ... I would have been very impatient waiting!  I'm glad you have a prescribing DR now.

2 hours ago, hexryan said:

To make things even more complicated the mental health team I was seeing messed me around a while ago and stopped seeing me when it was supposed to be every two weeks because my care coordinator left and they never gave me a new one.  I kept contacting them and so did my doctor but they never replied and never returned my calls. Even when I begged them to help me with an emergency prescription for that six weeks they never helped me. Never returned my calls just ditched me. Then said a month later I am being taken off their system because I hadn't had an apointment in so long. Which I had been trying to get the whole time!  And to this day they haven't seen me again no matter how hard I try. And they denied me cbt because the nhs doesn't cover it in my area. Even though all my paperwork said I needed that treatment. 

They really need to get their act together.  This is not acceptable on any level.  I wish you didn't have to find out the hard way for these things, and also when your DR dropped you without letting you know, and about owing the gov't that amount of money.

2 hours ago, hexryan said:

Life sucks but I'm gonna keep trying.

I'm glad :)

 

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You are feeling guilty for a lot of things that have happened that are not necessarily your fault. You didn't choose to have such a difficult upbringing or to face the health difficulties you suffer from now. I have been at pointy end of the "tough love" approach and it can really make a person feel like absolute shit. I am actually going through that with my own family. I think often although supposedly they are "helping" they are also expressing their frustration and harsh judgement.

Your boyfriend sounds like a great guy and at least one good aspect of your life. If he thought you weren't, "worth the trouble" he would be gone by now. So you are worth it. If  he is there, don't question whether you are good for him. That is up to him. To take your life to spare him these troubles, you would undermine his decision to be with you, support you and weather the storm together. That would be the worst thing you could do to him. He'd never truly get over it.

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On 16/10/2016 at 5:36 AM, mcjimjam said:

You are feeling guilty for a lot of things that have happened that are not necessarily your fault. You didn't choose to have such a difficult upbringing or to face the health difficulties you suffer from now. I have been at pointy end of the "tough love" approach and it can really make a person feel like absolute shit. I am actually going through that with my own family. I think often although supposedly they are "helping" they are also expressing their frustration and harsh judgement.

Your boyfriend sounds like a great guy and at least one good aspect of your life. If he thought you weren't, "worth the trouble" he would be gone by now. So you are worth it. If  he is there, don't question whether you are good for him. That is up to him. To take your life to spare him these troubles, you would undermine his decision to be with you, support you and weather the storm together. That would be the worst thing you could do to him. He'd never truly get over it.

 

thank you, i know ive seen this reply a bit late but it really made me smile.

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I agree that you are not a burden. That's just not true. You have been dealt a crappy hand of cards to play and you are hindered due to depression. Now the depression is making you feel guilty. Don't let it. Your boyfriend wouldn't be with you if he thought you were a burden. He's smart enough to realize that life is coming down on you and it's not your fault. In fact, you have demonstrated amazing strength through all of this.

I'm sorry I don't have more advice to give. I'm not familiar with the UK way of doing things. But to me it sounds overly harsh.

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I am sorry you are going through this but dying is not a solution to this problem. You are a product of billions of years of evolution. You are literaly nature questioning its own existance. You are worth much more than you think, you just werent raised in such a good enviroment.

Basically what you have to do is just push it through and understand that there are alot of people actually that have it even worse.

Good luck :)

 

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2 hours ago, Wats said:

I am sorry you are going through this but dying is not a solution to this problem. You are a product of billions of years of evolution. You are literaly nature questioning its own existance. You are worth much more than you think, you just werent raised in such a good enviroment.

Basically what you have to do is just push it through and understand that there are alot of people actually that have it even worse.

Good luck :)

 

Gee, here all the while I spent a fortune on meds and doctors, and all I had to do was push through it? Why didn't someone tell me that there are people worse off than me? Wow, I didn't know that. It's all so much better now.

/sarcasm

Please, if you don't have anything to add then don't add advice that we've all heard before and that is completely unhelpful from a misinformed person. You don't just "push through" depression without a whole lot of help from therapists and meds. And know that someone is worse off than me does nothing to make me feel better. It just makes me feel all the worse because life is just so cruel. 

Do you even have a diagnosis? It can't be depression because you wouldn't have made such a completely misinformed and un-empathetic remark.

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21 hours ago, jt07 said:

Gee, here all the while I spent a fortune on meds and doctors, and all I had to do was push through it? Why didn't someone tell me that there are people worse off than me? Wow, I didn't know that. It's all so much better now.

/sarcasm

Please, if you don't have anything to add then don't add advice that we've all heard before and that is completely unhelpful from a misinformed person. You don't just "push through" depression without a whole lot of help from therapists and meds. And know that someone is worse off than me does nothing to make me feel better. It just makes me feel all the worse because life is just so cruel. 

Do you even have a diagnosis? It can't be depression because you wouldn't have made such a completely misinformed and un-empathetic remark.

Im sorry, you have a point, i cant act as if i know how you are feeling because i never had depression. I wanted to make you feel better not worse.

I have read somewhere that puting yourself in an enviroment to help other people can be really helpful with depression. So it might sound wierd but my suggestion would be to put yourself in a position to help others. 

Best of luck to you :)

Edited by Wats

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