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Hi, very good question one which I ask myself frequently

I have had depression since my teenage years due to a crappy childhood, but in the last few years it has got progressively worse.

  I have severe depression and severe anxiety. I have tried many different medications none of which have lifted the dark cloud that suffocates me every day. I have also tried numerous therapies and am currently in CBT treatment. 

Meds wise I am taking Fluoxetine 40mg for depression and Propanolol for the anxiety daily. 

It helps to some extent but I still have days where there's thoughts that people would better off without my sad existence weighing them down. I have no motivation with eating, cooking, cleaning personal activities, managing finances or even being alive some days. 

What I hate most is the constant heavy feeling in my chest, the need to sleep constantly but then having horrible dreams non stop that leave me shaking. Depression for me is a physical feeling of dread along with all the crappy stuffs...

I waited 9 months for my latest therapy to start and I've been hanging on to this life line hoping the will offer some relief to the pain or better coping methods other than self harm and the incessant need to get high or just leave reality for a while. Needless to say 3 weeks in and I'm loosing faith. 

I wish I had a switch for the old brain, so I could turn off the inner voice that hates me so much. Turn off the constant worrying and illogical thoughts oh I wish I wish I wish!

i wish for a lot of things really but most of all would like to believe I fit in this crazy world somewhere for some purpose and that I deserve to be here as well. 

And breathe ...... 

So that sums it up in a nutshell :) apologies if none of this ramble makes any sense but I'm not used to sharing and I guess the main message was Hello :) 

 

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Welcome to CB, Waiting To Be Found. I'm glad you found us, and I hope that you can get comfortable here, because there are a lot of people in your same boat hanging around.

Please PM me or one of the other mods if you have any questions about how the site works, where to get parking tokens, how often we spray for clowns, etc.

Gearhead

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Welcome to Crazyboards!  I'm glad you're here, and I hear you on the soul-crushing nature of depression.  Hideous, horrible thing, is depression.

Anyway, I hope that the therapist is effective.  It doesn't sound like you are gaining much benefit from it---have you told the tdoc this?  I would also question whether or not the meds are doing you any good.  Do you see a psychiatrist?  If not, who is prescribing them?  That would be one avenue I would pursue:  there are dozens of meds for depression, and perhaps Prozac is not the right one for you.

I know it's hard to advocate for yourself when you are in the Black Pit, but keep fighting back and questioning your medical people.  Everyone deserves to have a decent life.  I hope it helps to come here and talk to us.  We are your people. :)

olga

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