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not really gettin' there

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Kathryn, I don't have any Great Words of Wisdom for you, but I wanted to say that I've read your post, all of it, and I will be reading its follow-ups.  Life is hard.  Life with BP is harder.  I hope that sharing your thoughts and experiences will help you find some attainable ways in which you can change (or change your surroundings) in order to be happier with yourself. 

I think many people collect things from temporary enthusiasms.  We just do so more easily than other people once our moods are outside that all-important "safe" range.  What helps for me is to try stop before buying or otherwise acquiring something new, so I can ask myself "do I need this?  Do I really want this?  Will this make a positive difference in my life?"  If the answers are "no," then it's just more stuff.  I'm getting better, as the years progress, at making true assessments.  It hasn't solved all my problems with posessions, but it's been a start. 

I was especially sticken by your comments on communicating and hearing-but-not-hearing.  (Edited for brevity.) 

i lose stamina.  i can't act regular on a regular basis... i will say the wrong thing even though i know the right thing.  and then i keep repeating it in my head until i tell the person the right thing... i lose steam.  i can hold a conversation for a long period at times, but then when i am trying to talk later its like blub, blub.  but, i will admit, that i can be very convincing when i am on.
when there is a lot going on, i can't keep up with all of it.  if someone is trying to tell me something urgent, i try to pay attention, but it is as if there are no words coming out of their mouth.  i shut down.  (this happens even when it is a basic conversation.)  i have learned the fine art art of knowing enough about the converstion to either nod or shake my head.  i just don't "hear" them.
I seem to have this magic "on" switch in my head which allows me to be bright and sociable and, well, functional for short bursts of time.  Perhaps five minutes.  Rarely an hour.  Then whatever it was kicks out and I settle back to nothingness and numbness.  I am again present in body, but not in any other capacity.  I stumble.  I miss things.  And I feel numb. 

Listening is tied to this, in that I turn off in the presence of too much information, but sometimes I really can process it all, and the results are dazzling. 

It's so hard to listen. 

I'll stop cluttering up your thread.  It's getting late here, and I've been struggling with brain-frying computer things all evening.  Take care of yourself as best you can.  Write when you have time.  I'll be reading. 

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its like now.  i know what i have to do help me feel better.  exercise, yoga, vitamins, eat healthy.  i know if i were physically fit, it would be a whole lot easier to tackle the mental stuff.  i just have no motivation.  (just like always ((non-defeating, the truth)).)  i do not follow through.
This is where I'm at. For my mental AND physical health, I know fitness is becoming an imperative. Yet I'm paralyzed.

my eyes are open.

I know what you mean, makes it harder on practically every level when it seem like it should make it easier.

I related to ALL of your post, btw. Do you have ADD?


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I'm sorry that I have nothing more substantial than big silent nods of understanding to offer. You've put, very eloquently, many of the same frustrations, fears, and issues that I struggle with too. Maybe, if nothing else, it'll be a relief to you to know that you're not the only one with these same issues.

I do have a question for you. What's your support system look like? Is there someone that might be able to sort of help you get motivated for the projects you'd like to start? Maybe a friend or a family member could come to your house at a certain time with their similar project and you could work on them together. My two best friends are so crafty and handy. I've taken much inspiration from them, and I've learned to do many things that I may not have, otherwise. AND, if I don't feel like working on my own stuff, just sitting near them while they work on their stuff is comforting and pleasant. They tend to really enjoy the company too.

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Thank you so much for reading this all the way through!  I rather expected that it was too long.  I think I did it mostly for my own benefit.  But, I am so thankful for your responses.  I know I am not alone!

As for ADD, I did the test in the pdocs office and she said that it was busy brain.  She offered to put me on adderall, but I am so scared of the addiction factor.  It has been very hard to convince me to try new meds unless I am sure that it won't cause worse problems in the future.  But, I am thinking about it.

I do have a great support system.  I live with my parents.  I have tried telling them to wake me up at a certain time, but I ignore them and sleep anyway.  I think I need to pull that up from somewhere deep inside me.

The things I do acquire, I believe I will use them.  I have a hard time getting rid of it because it is something I feel that I would enjoy.  (I own a lot of stuff!)  I haven't really bought anything new lately because I don't have the room, but I will buy things like movies and cds.

I guess it just scares me that I will continue on this merry-go-round, never touching the stable ground.  I love reading the posts and figuring out what I have to look forward to with this disease, hearing about the good times, bad times, what works, doesn't work, but I think it can bring me down at the same time.  I feel as if there is no stable ground, that I won't live the life that I would love to live.  I have heard that it is possible, but I don't see the proof.  But, on my good days, I will still keep on trying, figuring it all out.  I know the answers will come to me.

Just to add another problem:  I have moments where my head feels like it is being squeezed and I just want to scream and run around the room.

Thanks again for listening!  I know it's nothing you haven't heard before.  If there were an answer to a lot of this, I guess I wouldn't still be having these problems.

Take care and have a beautiful day!


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