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I haven't been feeling good about myself at all.  I went to a party last night and got pretty drunk.  Well, I didn't think I drank that much (I thought I had 3-4 drinks) but still I blacked out a bit.  I remember most of the night but there are a few things I don't remember saying that my friend recounted to me.  (nothing rude or bad, but it is scary to forget what you have said!)

Anyway, there was a guy at the party who I knew had a crush on me and I had one on him.  I slept with him that night...the first night I had ever hung out with him.  I've never done this before!!  I feel really guilty and cheap.  I'm glad that at least we were "safe" about it.

I'm just very mad at myself for doing self destructive things like drinking and having sex with someone I barely know.  I think I did it because I'm depressed and insecure and starved for "love," but obviously acting this way isn't going to get me the love or relationship I desire.  I feel so ashamed.  When I was younger I would never have done something like this, but the older I get the less I seem to care about myself and the more poor decisions I make. 

I want to stop drinking, but it's the only thing that helps me be confident and friendly when I go out.  I wish I could just set my limits better.  But I seem to black out really easily, even when I don't drink all that much.  I wonder if my antidepressant (celexa) makes me more sensitive to alcohol? 

Anyway, I'm just feeling scared and embarassed about the decisions I'm making and I could use some support.  I know everyone makes mistakes, but I'm really beating myself up about this because it just doesn't fit my image of myself to do such things.

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you know, it strikes me that the self destructive part is the beating yourself up over it.  i mean, you were drunk and made a stupid mistake.  most people do stupid things when they get drunk, or things that aren't their normal sober selves.

i guess what i'm trying to say it's the alcohol making the dumb mistake not you.  now, if you were constantly going out, getting drunk & picking up guys, i'd say you were making some bad choices.

but everyone, at least one time in their lives, makes a really stupid mistake.  most of us make several.  quite a few of us make many.

i think the key is learn from the mistake, and move on.

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Thank you so much for your response, red dog.  It makes me feel much better.

I keep thinking that *I* must be a bad/cheap/pathetic person.  Well, I wouldn't have made that decision if I wasn't drunk and just down on myself that day.  This isn't a regular occurence for me at all...and it feels good to know that other people make mistakes too.

That said, I'm really going to try to moderate my drinking.  I'm setting a limit of 2 drinks when I go out.  If I can't stick to it I'll have to stop drinking.  I don't have any craving for alcohol; however, I am clearly using it in a dangerous way if I don't remember everything I've said and make decisions that I'm embarassed about the next day.

The really horrible thing is that some of the people at the party know people from my job.  Chances are nothing would come from this...but I hope people don't start gossiping and get word back to the people I work with that I was "making out with some guy at a party."  That's the last thing I need to worry about now.

I am really committed to drinking less or stopping drinking, because this is not the first time I've been embarassed "the day after."  Not to mention that I feel very depressed after a night out with a few drinks.

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i guess what i'm trying to say it's the alcohol making the dumb mistake not you.  now, if you were constantly going out, getting drunk & picking up guys, i'd say you were making some bad choices.

i agree with reddog on this. and also, a big thing i think, is that you didn't hurt anyone else by doing this. only yourself. and you continue to hurt yourself by beating yourself up over it. so i think you should try to accept that it was a mistake that was atypical for you and move on. and plus, people do need sex. so you got some sex. lucky you.

you haven't hurt someone else by doing this so let it pass.

learn and move on.

grouse.

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I agree with reddog.  I've slept with guys on the first date.  Gross guys that I didn't want to sleep with.  And I was sober.

We all make mistakes.  Especially about sex. 

Moderating your alcohol intake sounds like a very good idea.  It could be that Celexa is affecting your tolerance. 

So chalk it up to experience- and someday it'll probably be a funny anecdote. 

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Thank you so much for your response, red dog.  It makes me feel much better.

I keep thinking that *I* must be a bad/cheap/pathetic person.  Well, I wouldn't have made that decision if I wasn't drunk and just down on myself that day.  This isn't a regular occurence for me at all...and it feels good to know that other people make mistakes too.

That said, I'm really going to try to moderate my drinking.  I'm setting a limit of 2 drinks when I go out.  If I can't stick to it I'll have to stop drinking.  I don't have any craving for alcohol; however, I am clearly using it in a dangerous way if I don't remember everything I've said and make decisions that I'm embarassed about the next day.

The really horrible thing is that some of the people at the party know people from my job.  Chances are nothing would come from this...but I hope people don't start gossiping and get word back to the people I work with that I was "making out with some guy at a party."  That's the last thing I need to worry about now.

I am really committed to drinking less or stopping drinking, because this is not the first time I've been embarassed "the day after."  Not to mention that I feel very depressed after a night out with a few drinks.

I'm glad to hear that you're going to work on moderation.

I used to have a major binge drinking problem.  I know that I drank like I did because social situations scare the shit out of me and because I was self destructive... I knew that then.  But I did it anyway.  And 10 times out of 10 I'd wake up the next morning riddled with guilt and embarrasment and some stupid thing I'd done.

It took me a while to learn how to drink in moderation.  For 3 months I didn't drink at all, and after that I'd ask a friend to make sure I didn't go over (b/c if I get over 2 I can't stop...)  It's still a struggle when I'm feeling insecure and in a social situation, but I know that if I don't drink I won't wake up filled with regret the next day.

My luck to you on working on this.  Please keep us posted on how things are going... and if you slip up, don't stress... mistakes do not mean failure.

take care

Penny

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I keep thinking that *I* must be a bad/cheap/pathetic person.

No one who harbors the kind of concern you are expressing about the rightness of your own behavior is a "bad/cheap/pathetic person".  These are the kinds of lies your disease tells you.  Don't listen.

That said, I'm really going to try to moderate my drinking.
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I want to stop drinking, but it's the only thing that helps me be confident and friendly when I go out.  I wish I could just set my limits better.  But I seem to black out really easily, even when I don't drink all that much.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

DING DING DING DING DING!!!!!

You just set off all the alarms, Devon. I don't mean to point fingers or call you names or anything but have you ever thought that maybe you might have a problem with booze? Do you know that most people don't black out after a couple of drinks? Most people don't black out at all.  I'm sorry, I don't want to scare you away or anything, but your post sounds like something I would have written back in the days right before I quit drinking. You don't have to drink to be confident and friendly, you know. I know it feels that way but that's just the booze talking. It IS possible to learn how to be confident and friendly without drinking and blacking out and doing things you wish you hadn't done. It's hard as hell but it IS possible. You say you wish you could set your limits better. I say stop beating yourself up. Sometimes it's impossible to set limits when it comes to alcohol. That's when you know it's time to stop. OK, I think it's time for me to shut up. Sorry if this is too harsh. It sounded to me like you wanted to hear it. Millie

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I have to chime in with Millie. My own experience: I started out drinking like this and ended up a dedicated, hard-core drug addict with a secondary addiction to alcohol. It all seemed very innocent and "status-quo" at first, but that's how it is. I don't "name, read: label" myself an alcoholic, but I have addictive tendencies and certain subtances, which make me lose total control over a. my consumption, and b. my behavior under the influence are verboten for me. Cocaine, methamphatamine, opiates. For some reason alcohol in and of its self doesn't do bad things to me, but like Cerberus says, "it is contraindicated for most MI drugs," so a logical person would say, "well, if I want optimal mental health, I won't drink alcohol."

It's hard when you're young--and old...I must chime in with the stop beating yourself up over what you've already done, and think about how you can plan for it to not happen again if you find yourself in similar circumstances (and likely you will.)

I could give you promiscuious story after story after story...but that's MY past. I don't do that anymore--haven't in forever. For the reasons you state. I hate the feeling of remorse, right up there with the shame that goes with it.

PM either me or Millie (okay Millie?) if you want more info on how we went about becoming abstinent and breaking the cycle--if it gets bad for you. Hopefully you won't be like us, but like she said; black outs are a sure BAD sign of addiction to alcohol, and if alcoholism runs in you're family you are almost assuredly fucked in this regard (pardon my French), though I have no crystal ball. I have heard a gazillion stories that start out just like yours--mine and Millie's, for example.

Hugs, and be good to you. Put down the ball bat and just THINK about do you want alcohol in your life.

It's not just propoganda, it kills people--for real.

<stepping down off soapbox.>

No judgment here.

Hugs,

Suze

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