Alex Time Posted October 29, 2016 Share Posted October 29, 2016 Dear friends, I found this blog after 2 months and a half of my struggle trying to live with no benzos. I had a HUGE psychological trauma five years ago and I started benzos. Always very low doses and basically using alprazolam first and then delorazepam (it's not very common in many countries but is a very long acting benzo, more than diazepam). My highest dosage was (only in very high anxiety cases) 0,25mg x 2 daily for alprazolam and 0,75 x day for delorazepam. Little by little I got to understand my body and mind reactions to these drugs and I quit xanax with not a big effort, thanks to the long lasting delorazepam. On August 15th I decided to quit because I was taking just 3 drops form a few months and also the psychiatrist I used to see t that time told me it was only a placebo at that dosage. Well i assure you it was not. The first month was hell: shivering, sweating, waking up at 3 am every night, neck and shoulders hurting, dry skin, zero libido, and 2 panic attacks the worst in my life... I ended up on benzo withdrawal forums, the Haston Manual etc... I found that all of my symptoms were very common among people in my situation. I decided not to give up. I want to point out that the syptoms I've been suffering are quite different from the ones I initially was prescribed the benzos for. Now, after 2 months and half off, I'm deciding to start again. I think as othe peoplle said thant the anti benzos forums can make a big damage to peope, maybe in my situation. The Haston manual can be godd for a few info but gives no other options than keep on suffering like hell, without knowing how long it will last and if it will ever end. What kind of solution is that? Anxiety is a real problem. Let's call that a illness. And unfortunately in many situations there's nothing to do, things cannot be changed, no psychoterapist can help you. You just have to accept something that devasted your life overnight. And go on with your life. Maybe someone can make it without benzos and others not. Or maybe I just cannot make it right, maybe it was not the right time for me. I've felt so bad in this 75 days off benzos, I lost joy for everything, I could not sleep more than 4 hours per night, constant nausea and difficulties to eat, very low mood, every noise makes crazy to the point of absurdities, I can't stand the light of the sun. A real hell, despite the fact that I tapered down very slowly and switched from alprazolam to delorazepam (that has a very long half-life). Please tell me my frienda: what can a person do? I suffered so much in those last 5 years I cannot even find the words to describe it.I kept on working because I had no choices. I tried to be as strong as I could, to find a little joy in small things. My life will never be the same, I'm now aware of that. I don't wanna go deep in what happened to me. But believe me it cannot be changed. It cannot be fixed. It can only be standed. And I think, at least right now, a little benzo once in a while ( I have days were I don't feel 100% well but can make it) is still necessary. I feel like fighting against myself is not a good way to go, I have such a burden 24/7 and will have it for the rest of my life. I've be strong in a way I never imagined I could be. But enough it's enough, and if a need a few drops of benzos once or twice a week to avoid getting into hell again, I will have to take them. I think it's a question of knowing and accepting ones limitations. I know mine. I think after all I went through I can handle myself and I have no other choices when times get so tough. Anti benzo forums can be helpful for some informations, but basically what I noticed is that the only way out for them is to keep on suffering no matter what. Well I don't agree, I'm happy if someone can make it, but it's not me, not now. And I a person feels like hell, be it benzo W-d or a return of anxiety, well it makes no difference: you suffer just the same even if in my case the symptoms are not very similar... Well, this is m story. Every opinion is more than welcome. Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alien Navel Cord Posted November 10, 2016 Share Posted November 10, 2016 If you know your limits and think you can handle them again, maybe you should ask your doc about getting back on them as PRN? I know the withdrawal must suck -- somehow after taking clonazepam 2mg daily for a year, and then cold turkey off of them I never had a single withdrawal symptom. Weird huh? Anyway, I definitely think if you are comfortable with them, to ask the doc for help. Your doc may be able to prescribe something PRN for your anxiety, or a small dose without refills, something to get you along just fine. I'm fairly certain that if you start them up again, but only as a PRN and not daily, that when you don't take them you won't feel as awful. My opinion though, of course. I hope it all works out for you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
march Posted November 12, 2016 Share Posted November 12, 2016 I believe the benzo withdrawal groups are very dangerous. I think I tapered mistakenly by following their advice and my life has been hell due to the misinformation provided. I was very anti-benzo after completing my taper but looking back still much in need of them. My life is not better off them, sorry to say. Everyone in those groups promised I'd be so much better and I'm not. I'm worse. Every decision is a personal one but I'm considering reinstating because I've been off for 2+ years and the last 7 months have reduced me to a shell of the person I was. I feel for what you are going through. I think there is so much shame in taking these drugs, especially from our doctors and yet some of us need these to survive. I'm so done with that's thinking... that I'm less of a person because I'm a little more sensitive and fragile. I want to take benzos forever if it means getting even a part of my life back. I'd be happy with 5 good years, rather than a lifetime of misery. Good luck to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
San Posted November 12, 2016 Share Posted November 12, 2016 Sounds like you're anxious. *shrugs* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cloudmonger Posted November 12, 2016 Share Posted November 12, 2016 I'm sorry you are going through withdrawal/anxiety. Is there a non-benzo med you can take for anxiety relief? One that is not as likely to cause dependency? Maybe you can consider other anti-anxiety meds like: Gabapentin, Buspar or even Prozac? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissaw72 Posted November 12, 2016 Share Posted November 12, 2016 I guess I don't understand why you went off of the benzo in the first place. I'm sorry if I am missing something, but I couldn't find anything in your post about why you weaned down/off of it. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alex Time Posted November 14, 2016 Author Share Posted November 14, 2016 On 10/11/2016 at 7:58 PM, 2Spirals said: If you know your limits and think you can handle them again, maybe you should ask your doc about getting back on them as PRN? I know the withdrawal must suck -- somehow after taking clonazepam 2mg daily for a year, and then cold turkey off of them I never had a single withdrawal symptom. Weird huh? Anyway, I definitely think if you are comfortable with them, to ask the doc for help. Your doc may be able to prescribe something PRN for your anxiety, or a small dose without refills, something to get you along just fine. I'm fairly certain that if you start them up again, but only as a PRN and not daily, that when you don't take them you won't feel as awful. My opinion though, of course. I hope it all works out for you! Hi 2Spirals and thank for your reply. Yes, I think you are right. I'm back on the minimun dosage of the last benzo I took. I don't feel that good, think it will take a while. All the best. Alex. On 12/11/2016 at 0:49 PM, melissaw72 said: I guess I don't understand why you went off of the benzo in the first place. I'm sorry if I am missing something, but I couldn't find anything in your post about why you weaned down/off of it. Hi, I decided to taper because after 8 years on benzos I wanted to give it a try and my Psy D agreed... Mission failed...but now I'm stable on a much lower dosage without feeling that bad. On 12/11/2016 at 10:16 AM, cloudmonger said: I'm sorry you are going through withdrawal/anxiety. Is there a non-benzo med you can take for anxiety relief? One that is not as likely to cause dependency? Maybe you can consider other anti-anxiety meds like: Gabapentin, Buspar or even Prozac? Thank you. I actually tried everything...nothing works. Now I'm back on a small dosage benzo and feel a bit better... Seems the only solution right now... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alex Time Posted November 14, 2016 Author Share Posted November 14, 2016 On 12/11/2016 at 1:48 AM, march said: I believe the benzo withdrawal groups are very dangerous. I think I tapered mistakenly by following their advice and my life has been hell due to the misinformation provided. I was very anti-benzo after completing my taper but looking back still much in need of them. My life is not better off them, sorry to say. Everyone in those groups promised I'd be so much better and I'm not. I'm worse. Every decision is a personal one but I'm considering reinstating because I've been off for 2+ years and the last 7 months have reduced me to a shell of the person I was. I feel for what you are going through. I think there is so much shame in taking these drugs, especially from our doctors and yet some of us need these to survive. I'm so done with that's thinking... that I'm less of a person because I'm a little more sensitive and fragile. I want to take benzos forever if it means getting even a part of my life back. I'd be happy with 5 good years, rather than a lifetime of misery. Good luck to you. I totally agree with you and went throught the same process... I think those forums are dangerous basically because they give no other alternative to feel bad and hellish... Maybe someone can stand it, most of us cannot. And I also agree when you say life isn't always better without benzos, as they want to convince people. What they call "protracted benzo withdrawal" is said to last many years in some cases...I mean: does it make any sense? It's true, we are all different and we all have different stories, but one has to choose between not living and functioning at all and being on a drug that maybe helps even with its side effects. I was totally convinced and happy when I tapered and then quit. But after almost 3 months I've seen myself going to pieces day by day...and it was worse than before because I became depressed and basically could not get out of my bed. So I decided to take a few drops of the long acting benzo I was on before, and hope to recover. I want my life back, I don't recognize myself. This is not what I want to be... I wish you all the best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alien Navel Cord Posted November 14, 2016 Share Posted November 14, 2016 40 minutes ago, Alex Time said: Hi 2Spirals and thank for your reply. Yes, I think you are right. I'm back on the minimun dosage of the last benzo I took. I don't feel that good, think it will take a while. All the best. Alex. Good luck!! Hope you can now find some relief. I know what it is like to be in the worst state of anxiety with no medicine, and the breathing and thought exercises not working. Can be hell. So I'm glad you're taking care of that, take care of yourself! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissaw72 Posted November 14, 2016 Share Posted November 14, 2016 1 hour ago, Alex Time said: I decided to taper because after 8 years on benzos I wanted to give it a try and my Psy D agreed... Mission failed...but now I'm stable on a much lower dosage without feeling that bad. I'm glad you are stable and feeling better on the low dose. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cloudmonger Posted November 14, 2016 Share Posted November 14, 2016 (edited) 1 hour ago, Alex Time said: Now I'm stable on a much lower dosage without feeling that bad. Thank you. I actually tried everything...nothing works. Now I'm back on a small dosage benzo and feel a bit better... Seems the only solution right now... I'm glad to hear you feel a bit better! Extreme Anxiety is a kind of pure Hell. It's not part of my diagnosis, but I'll tell you, I have experienced panic/anxiety and the fear that comes with that (in the past) to the point of psychosis/dissociation, and I'll take my chronic depression & mood swings ANYDAY over that!!!! do what ya gotta do. Keep us updated. I'm curious if you will need to keep increasing the dosage over time? I'm not sure how the whole tolerance thing works with most people? Edited November 14, 2016 by cloudmonger Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alex Time Posted November 14, 2016 Author Share Posted November 14, 2016 1 hour ago, melissaw72 said: I'm glad you are stable and feeling better on the low dose. Thank you Melissa. 2 hours ago, 2Spirals said: Good luck!! Hope you can now find some relief. I know what it is like to be in the worst state of anxiety with no medicine, and the breathing and thought exercises not working. Can be hell. So I'm glad you're taking care of that, take care of yourself! Thanks my friend, you too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alex Time Posted November 14, 2016 Author Share Posted November 14, 2016 1 hour ago, cloudmonger said: I'm glad to hear you feel a bit better! Extreme Anxiety is a kind of pure Hell. It's not part of my diagnosis, but I'll tell you, I have experienced panic/anxiety and the fear that comes with that (in the past) to the point of psychosis/dissociation, and I'll take my chronic depression & mood swings ANYDAY over that!!!! do what ya gotta do. Keep us updated. I'm curious if you will need to keep increasing the dosage over time? I'm not sure how the whole tolerance thing works with most people? You know, in my case anxiety changed a lot from pre to post treatment. Right now the dosage I take is something that scientifically will not even work for a toddler..but it works on me and even more than before, because I was off for 80 plus days. I never experienced tolerance with long lasting benzos, only with Alprazolam and Lorazepam, but it was a small dosage as well. I will keep you updated, hope we can all find our personal and safe solution to our issues. Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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