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I applied for a maintenance grant  for university however I applied for the whole amount (I'm greedy) which I did not need to do because I do not pay for rent and I receive money for food and bills through family and social services. I received £3000 for my first term and I'll receive another £3000 in December and another in April. I already spent £1800 on a laptop, software and hadware and other things I needed. I have everything I need for my course and plus plus more.

I have everything but I still want more, not laptops and cameras though. I have been drinking a bottle of wine everyday sometimes two and when I go out with my friends to the pub I drink much more than that. This never happened to me before I went to university because I didn't have the money to do that. Now I'm getting money from student finance that I don't need and I'm getting money from making videos for people and friends (I'm a film-maker). I have more money than I need and I'm spending it all on booze because that's my only escape. I never enjoyed many drugs and those I did, I avoid ferociously. It has always been the booze though that trapped me into a exciting boredom-less vacuum .

The thing is before Uni, I used to drink properly twice a week because I would get paid once a week, binge badly and then be sober for the rest of it but now that I'm at University I have so much money and the lack of wanting top of the line laptops, tv's and cameras (because I have them) means I don't need anything else other than booze and cheer. I have a laptop, a big tv, the best film editing software, a good video camera, a console, a guitar ect. I do not have other things to spend my money on so I drink everyday. It used to be that 50% of my cash went on binge drinking twice a week but now I can do that everyday if I want to. If I do ran out of money for booze I can still make enough money to drink enough everyday in a shameless way. Make videos for people, which I do. I made £200 within two days just for a music video for these wanna be rappers.

I don't want to stop drinking, it's my release. If I want to celebrate, I drink. If I'm stressed, I drink. If I'm bored, I drink, ect. I want to drink less. I tried but it's really hard. Every time I've asked for help from confidential phone-lines, they tell me to go rehab, tell my psychiatrist, tell me to stop drinking completely. I can't do any of these things, I'm busy and it's important to me that I come across as 100% well to my MI team, I mean my mood is stable so MI wise I'm fine and I don't want them to think otherwise. I want to get rid of my money but I can't. I'm too greedy. I feel horrible without money. What worries me is that I'm so talented at film-making/ making videos that I will make lots of money and I will end up drinking myself to death. I wish I could always be drunk but I don't want to die. 

What should I do. Burn my money. Give it to the homeless so they'll drink instead of me. Spend my money on frivolous things that I don't need. I want to drink less...not stop, but with the money..IT'S IMPOSSIBLE. 

I mean it's everyday now, drinkin'. My mates always take the piss because I'm always hangover during first lesson.  I try to hide it but it's hard.


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Invest the money in something that's not particularly liquid.  Also, get help for the drinking.  

If you need to drink to self medicate, that's understandable.  I've been doing it a lot myself recently.  It sucks but you do what you have to do to make it to another day.  If you want to stop drinking but can't, there's a shitload of resources out there.  Talk to your pdoc or whoever.  It's not for everyone, but  AA is worth a try.  There's a shitload of options out there.  

If you're self medicating, you need to accept that and understand what you need to fix so that you don't need to do that anymore.


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  • 2 weeks later...

Maybe I am self-medicating, maybe I'm not. Maybe, I do not want to admit it or perhaps the wretched pills have taken the ability feel pleasure and to think clearly and the drink brings the good out. I have reduced my anti-psychotic intake to the point that I only take it for sleep. I'm aware of the dangers and how it works but I reduced my quetiapine to 200mg which is enough for dopamine to flow through my brain with ease. I don't care that much about my histamine receptors when it comes to shut-eye,

With the liberation of my dopamine I can complete my work with ease. Words come to my mouth with ease and I'm a source of inspiration towards my field. I just use the quietipine as an effective long-term sleeping pill so when I do wish to sleep I take it. If I'm buried in work then I can skip it to stay up. I still take it because it puts me in control of my sleep and that is important. My mood is stable, I still take my mood stabilizer. It has no significant side effects. I honestly do not believe mood-stabilizers harm someone's creative process.

Nobody understands what it's like being in university, being part of the school of arts. Being a strong creative force supressed by a pill. The damage it's done though. My body is used to it. I can not control my sleeping pattern without quietipine so I must take a dosage that only interacts with my anti-histamine receptors inducing sleep.

Partly, I blame a corrupt health care system. If I open up to the people I meant to open up. They won't just take away my control over my sleeping pattern but my mood-stabilizer which keeps me from feeling the sorrows of world. I don't know why I drink but I know who's responsible...THEM.

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Invest your excess funds in long-term discount bonds that are denominated in Euros.  See if you can put the securities in a trust that you can limit your own access to.  You'll save your liver and your future retirement.

Also, I'm aware of the binge drinking culture in the UK. As Elvis said, seek out an AA type group if you can.  Further, it sounds like your occupational culture might not be conducive to sobriety. You might have to make some tough choices in the near future.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I went to a local young adult alcohol counselling service and I have to wait 3 months on a waiting list. It was the best choice I think because there is no way I could tell my doctors, they would take my pills (the depokote is important because that is the only pill I regularly take anymore to control my moods) away and my preliminary driving licence which I can't have that. That's the NHS for you. MH services would embarrass me to everyone (social services ect which they control my housing). Confidential charities seem the best option. I suppose I have three months till I sober up...if I sober up. Those G and T seems too tempting. - says my unsober drank self that can't count how many he had right now. 

3 months and then 'help' and then no fun parties with house music with booze and coke.

Somehow my current self hates that thought but maybe it's for the best.

Although I wonder why everyone with alcohol 'problems' has to stop completely. I have too much shit going on, why do I have to stop having fun, I know that bitch cunt of a god of mine is not on my side and everything will go against me. That's why I do all this shit anyway because I have the worst luck in the world, that is a fact and that is not my subconscious  'self-defeating' self talking. It is absolutely true., trust me. 

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 11/2/2016 at 8:20 AM, WinterRosie said:

Can you put the money into a bank account that you don't have instant access to?

Yes,any number of ways.A wire transfer takes a  few hours. The other transfer system is EFT(Electronic Funds Transfer). It takes  2-3 business days. If your paycheck is automatically deposited it  probably used EFT. You can bank by mail,too.

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