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;) I haven't cut with a razor in 17 or so years (I do pick at my scalp and lip though constantly).  I have been having chronic migraines for about a year now (2-3/week).  I had to go to an Urgent Care about 2 weeks ago because I was out of pain meds, my neuro's office was closed for New Years Day and the on call doc couldn't do anything for me, and I refuse to go to the ER.  The doc at Urgent Care was terrible.  She treated me like a druggie (And I wonder if I would of been treated any better at the ER?)  She would only give me a shot of Toradol, which does not work(but the initial sting did), and a script for 8 pain pills.  When I got home, I was hurting to ssssoooo bad.  I found the razor and went into the bathroom and cut the inside of my right thigh.  The initial pain or stinging felt good and for a few seconds, it took my mind off the migraine I was having.  Then the blood came, so red.  About a week later, I had a migraine and did the same thing.  I really don't want to start cutting again.

I told my pdoc about this yesterday and my husband last night.  I just want to be honest for once.  I don't want to have to hid it.  My pdoc gave me a book on BPD since cutting is a symptom.  This is too much.  Being dx BPII was more than enough to handle.  Now this. 

The only scare that you can really see from high school, is the ones on my wrist.  I'm scared, I know that I can't control it if I start.  But being honest with my husband, I hope that this helps.

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;) I haven't cut with a razor in 17 or so years (I do pick at my scalp and lip though constantly).  I have been having chronic migraines for about a year now (2-3/week).  I had to go to an Urgent Care about 2 weeks ago because I was out of pain meds, my neuro's office was closed for New Years Day and the on call doc couldn't do anything for me, and I refuse to go to the ER.  The doc at Urgent Care was terrible.  She treated me like a druggie (And I wonder if I would of been treated any better at the ER?)  She would only give me a shot of Toradol, which does not work(but the initial sting did), and a script for 8 pain pills.  When I got home, I was hurting to ssssoooo bad.  I found the razor and went into the bathroom and cut the inside of my right thigh.  The initial pain or stinging felt good and for a few seconds, it took my mind off the migraine I was having.  Then the blood came, so red.  About a week later, I had a migraine and did the same thing.  I really don't want to start cutting again.

I told my pdoc about this yesterday and my husband last night.  I just want to be honest for once.  I don't want to have to hid it.  My pdoc gave me a book on BPD since cutting is a symptom.  This is too much.  Being dx BPII was more than enough to handle.  Now this. 

The only scare that you can really see from high school, is the ones on my wrist.  I'm scared, I know that I can't control it if I start.  But being honest with my husband, I hope that this helps.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

first, im sorry that you had to go through all of that... the whole run around... when you ran out of pain meds...

it is great that you are being honest!  what you are doing is right.  you told you doctor, you told your husband, and you are doing something about it instead of hiding.  that in itself takes great strength.  just because it happened now does not mean that you will go back to being a habitual cutter.  you have done nothing wrong and everything right.  try to to overwhelm yourself... take in one step, one day at a time.  i know you can....  :)

xo

~Ophelia

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Honesty is good, for sure. I try to be  and I do think it is probably the right way to go, for most.

I just lied to my Mom to get a straight edged blade. She gave me one but when I asked her where she bought them, she evaded. Now why give it to me in the first place? I told my husband too and he got so hypervigilant , he brought a Lifetime movie or me to watch. Felt liike high school!

But I feel dead right now from antipsychotics and I just want to cut , too.

I don't mean at all to encourage you to. Just letting you know, you aren't alone, like checkerboards said.  I think we all need to not judge ourselves and take it slow.

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its good that u r being honest i find that ver hard.

i am bp2 and BPD as well and i am not coping with my dx either. i know and can relate to how hard it is to not only b hit with one dx but 2 just seems to make it suck even more.

so im with u on that. wish i could b all inspiring but the best i can do is offer my support.

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Thanks for all the replies.  I haven't cut since that night but the blade is staring at me everytime I open the drawer.  I have even held it in my hand wanting to cut.  But I have resisted.  Being honest with my husband was the best thing.

I can't bring myself to read the book on BPD.  It is just too much.

Thanks for all the support.  I don't really have anywhere else to turn too where there are others that understand and know the pull that they blades have once you have done it.

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Hi, I'm really sorry to hear about your relapse.  Try not to be too hard on yourself.  I mean, 17 years without cutting is still a giant accomplishment and the relapse doesn't undermine that.  Also, just because you've relapsed, it doesn't mean you have to go back to where you were 17 years ago.  You can fight this.

I admire you for being honest with your tdoc and husband.  That takes a lot of courage, for sure.

Is it possible for you to move the knife somewhere where it isn't as tempting?  Get it out of sight and out of easy reach? 

Don't worry about the bpd diagnosis.  Cutting is a symptom, but it's far from the only symptom.  And even if you are borderline, there's time to figure out what that means later.  Right now, just focus on staying safe. 

Keep fighting the temptation and try to be kind to yourself.  I hope you feel better soon.

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I did it again last night near the same spot on my inner leg.  My husband saw them and asked if they were new.  I said yeah.  So that night I found him throwing out all the razors we had in the house, even the one I had stashed.

When he left for work today, I got ready and went to Target to pick up some prescriptions that has been called in he called me on my cell phone.  I knew I was caught.  So I told him where I was and he argued with me about being out since I had been up all night with a migraine and was still in his eyes a bit "ify".

He called about a few minutes later and wanted to know where in the store I was - he was there.  Damn, there went my plans on getting more blades, so I just got everything else I needed.

So the plot thickens on how I will get them ;)

ETA:  I found one!  I'm happy now.  At least I have one. At least I have the option now.

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I did it again last night near the same spot on my inner leg.  My husband saw them and asked if they were new.  I said yeah.  So that night I found him throwing out all the razors we had in the house, even the one I had stashed.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

He called about a few minutes later and wanted to know where in the store I was - he was there.  Damn, there went my plans on getting more blades, so I just got everything else I needed.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

It really seems like you have a husband who cares about your safety and well-being.  You should consider yourself very lucky to have a supportful and understanding person like that at hand.  Just the fact that he left work to go to the store to look after you speaks for itself.  Lots of people would not do that.  The next time you get the urge to cut, can you possibly try to go to your husband for comfort instead of going straight to the blade?  To you, it might seem like he is just there and messing up all of your plans to buy blades, but im thinking otherwise... can you at least try...? 

So the plot thickens on how I will get them ;)

ETA:  I found one!  I'm happy now.  At least I have one. At least I have the option now.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

this wouldnt exactly be something i think you should be "happy" about.  I more than understand that you feel like you want to have the option if/when the urges arise, but having the tools increases the chances that you will in fact cut again.... because you know the blades are there and readily available. 

...but you have to do what you think will help you stop cutting

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I guess happy wasn't the best word to be used.  But at that moment I was hapoy. It's in a place that he will never look.  Now that the whole thing is beginning to sink in, I feel like it's my quilty my than anything,  I know that I am doing something that I shouldn't but, it's also like my safety net!  But, the truth of it all is that it is there, and so if the guiltt.

I'm confused and sorta drugged up because I'm getting a migraine so this my not may sense.

-Jen

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I just read my post above and to be honest I don't remember writing it.  That scares me, alot.

17 years ago, I made a pact not to cut again.  I am making that pact again.  I just hope that I can stick to it.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

thats what we are all here for, ya know.  support eachother .  you did it once and i am sure that you can do it again.  do not be discouraged by a few fall backs....

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I just read my post above and to be honest I don't remember writing it.  That scares me, alot.

17 years ago, I made a pact not to cut again.  I am making that pact again.  I just hope that I can stick to it.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

thats what we are all here for, ya know.  support eachother .  you did it once and i am sure that you can do it again.  do not be discouraged by a few fall backs....

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Thank You.

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I have not cut again.  I have gone to the blade a few times, but didn't cut.  I came out to my mom and aunt this past weekend and told her about the SI and BPD possibility (By half-brother had been dx at one time with APD) so she kinda understood.  I think that I left her shocked.  I'm kinda sad about how I left her, suddenly.  I just couldn't deal with it all.  I emailed her yesterday and I think that she is ok, she seemed to be.

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I have not cut again.  I have gone to the blade a few times, but didn't cut. 

good for you. 

that's really hard... having the blade there and going for it and stopping at that point.  that shows a lot of strength.

I came out to my mom and aunt this past weekend and told her about the SI and BPD possibility (By half-brother had been dx at one time with APD) so she kinda understood.  I think that I left her shocked.  I'm kinda sad about how I left her, suddenly.  I just couldn't deal with it all.  I emailed her yesterday and I think that she is ok, she seemed to be.

This also takes a lot of courage.

I hope that your mom and aunt can help support you through this now that they know.

The more support the better, you know?

What book on BPD did your doc give you?

Congratulations on your strength,

Penny

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