WinterRosie Posted November 26, 2016 Share Posted November 26, 2016 So, I went out a few weeks ago, to a gathering with a bunch of friends. One of them was someone who I've not seen in a few years (it doesn't help that I've severely dissociative and do not remember him at all, even though he said that he visited me at my previous house. Since he could describe it a little bit, I believe him. But I don't remember him being there, nor do I remember him, and how I thought or felt about him as a person and potential friend). He wanted to reconnect and catch up. Being a friend of a friend I told him to add me on FB. I wanted to hang out the following weekend. I said no because I'm drowning in schoolwork. We're heading into finals next week, and I'm taking six classes! He asked again a few days ago about this weekend. I got the sense that he was one of those people who wouldn't take no for an answer, so I said yes because I want to get it over with. Maybe he'll go away. I can't cope with people who want to be friends every weekend. I see my close friends every few months. I really don't want for him to come here, though, even though that's the plan. I need to tidy up. I need to be social. I need to have energy. I'm exhausted. I'd rather do homework and go to bed. I don't want to see people who are pushy and invite themselves over. I hate people. Especially people who want to be my friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlurredBoundaries Posted November 26, 2016 Share Posted November 26, 2016 Ugh, sounds stressful! I would just cancel on his ass. It's not like you really care to see him ever again? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WinterRosie Posted November 26, 2016 Author Share Posted November 26, 2016 Well, I mean, I like having friends. I just wish he'd been willing to wait until January or something. Like, if we hadn't seen each other in years, what's waiting another month? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlurredBoundaries Posted November 26, 2016 Share Posted November 26, 2016 I agree. What's another month? If he can't understand that you have alot going on with finals, I don't think he is a good friend . But then again...I push everyone out of my life cause friends are exhausting so don't listen to my advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WinterRosie Posted November 26, 2016 Author Share Posted November 26, 2016 Naw. You just think along the same track that I do. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dancesintherain Posted November 26, 2016 Share Posted November 26, 2016 That sucks that he's the "won't take no for an answer" type. That type doesn't last for me because my energy allocation is really limited even if I want it to be more. My good friends have gotten used to it and are willing to plan around me needing to crash early frequently. I agree with Blurred that I'd at least be skeptical. Not being willing to your (perfectly valid and reasonable) limitations is a red flag for me. But even if they weren't perfectly valid and reasonable...it's a two way street and barring one time opportunity situations (friend in from out of town) I see no harm in delaying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WinterRosie Posted November 26, 2016 Author Share Posted November 26, 2016 I feel like it's my fault that I'm miserable out this for having shitty boundaries. I'm so conflicted. I feel like crazy-people keep getting told "you need more friends! Friends are good for you! Socialize! Try it!" But every time I do I end up resentful or unhappy because I don't actually want to see them. It's interfering with my priorities. I wish people could see that. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dancesintherain Posted November 26, 2016 Share Posted November 26, 2016 I hope I wasn't suggesting that (and reading it I can see how it might have come across that way). My system isnt perfect...there are numerous people at work I could be better friends with if I wasn't as socially anxious and as awkward as I am. And I've only learned through this episode how few people I know in this area, even if they are quality. yes, I feel like the "have friends it's good for you" message is really strong. And I can see the benefit, but I also see the pressure it can exert. I sometimes wish there was a book on it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlurredBoundaries Posted November 26, 2016 Share Posted November 26, 2016 6 minutes ago, WinterRosie said: I feel like it's my fault that I'm miserable out this for having shitty boundaries. I'm so conflicted. I feel like crazy-people keep getting told "you need more friends! Friends are good for you! Socialize! Try it!" But every time I do I end up resentful or unhappy because I don't actually want to see them. It's interfering with my priorities. I wish people could see that. I can sooo relate to this. I would honestly just tell him the truth - that you really do want to hang out but that you've got too much going on right now. Then give him a time frame of when you'll be available. His response will be your answer as to whether it's worth hanging out with him or not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WinterRosie Posted November 26, 2016 Author Share Posted November 26, 2016 @dancesintherain I'm not saying it's your fault from your post; it's something I meant to add in the OP and forgot, so you gave me the opportunity 8 minutes ago, BlurredBoundaries said: I would honestly just tell him the truth - that you really do want to hang out but that you've got too much going on right now. Then give him a time frame of when you'll be available. I did that two weeks ago! And here I am. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlurredBoundaries Posted November 26, 2016 Share Posted November 26, 2016 Well reiterate it again. (I *think* that's how you place boundaries? How ironic of me to even say that cause I'm horrible with boundaries) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dancesintherain Posted November 26, 2016 Share Posted November 26, 2016 Develop a migraine? Or the stomach flu? Im not above a fictional illness. but yes, I think BBs technique is technically the course of action for boundary setting. That and the broken record technique? (repeat until it clicks) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WinterRosie Posted November 26, 2016 Author Share Posted November 26, 2016 I actually do have a headache. I also made dinner plans with a different friend so that I don't have to deal with the awkward "I don't want to hang out with you anymore. Please get out of my house." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heilmania Posted November 26, 2016 Share Posted November 26, 2016 1 hour ago, WinterRosie said: I actually do have a headache. I also made dinner plans with a different friend so that I don't have to deal with the awkward "I don't want to hang out with you anymore. Please get out of my house." Oh, lord. I have a friend that never knows when to leave. They'll just hang out until like 3am if you let them. Good thinking making other plans. Also, screw this guy. Pushy people suck. You have a headache. Bye, boy. Sorry. Can't hang. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WinterRosie Posted November 27, 2016 Author Share Posted November 27, 2016 It actually worked out okay once he was here... but I'm not sure when I'm going to get my essay done since it's due Tuesday morning and I need to work all day tomorrow. Oh well. He respects that I'm in finals and he leaves for his vacation the day I'm done school. So at least I don't need to worry about it for a while. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlurredBoundaries Posted November 27, 2016 Share Posted November 27, 2016 I'm glad you got it over with and it wasn't that bad. Hope you manage to get your essay done on time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heilmania Posted November 27, 2016 Share Posted November 27, 2016 I'm glad it worked out! Sorry you might not get your essay done- sometimes socializing is good, though. I'm such a pessimist when it comes to hanging out with new people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissaw72 Posted November 27, 2016 Share Posted November 27, 2016 (edited) 17 hours ago, WinterRosie said: Well, I mean, I like having friends. I just wish he'd been willing to wait until January or something. Like, if we hadn't seen each other in years, what's waiting another month? Have you told him to wait until January or around then (whenever you feel comfortable with it all)? Wondering what did you say when you gave him the truth? Waiting another month ... if he still wants to be friends, then he can wait that long. If he can't wait until then, then I lay it out that you don't feel comfortable with him. And ditch him. 17 hours ago, WinterRosie said: I feel like it's my fault that I'm miserable out this for having shitty boundaries. I'm so conflicted. I feel like crazy-people keep getting told "you need more friends! Friends are good for you! Socialize! Try it!" But every time I do I end up resentful or unhappy because I don't actually want to see them. It's interfering with my priorities. I wish people could see that. FWIW ... I don't think it is your fault. I think it is the people's faults who force you to do stuff that you aren't comfortable doing. Your boundaries are your boundaries, they are real, and if he can't accept that then that is his problem. Not worth your time, IMO. The "needing more friends" "Friends are good for you" etc ... and even suggesting to go to a social event ... IME, I resent the people who are forcing me with the more friends stuff, etc ... BTDT way too many times. Priorities are important ... and if he'll wait, even more than a month, then maybe give it a try ... but that is up to you and feeling comfortable or not. I am glad it went well for you. Some of the post I was writing about here were ideaa while I was going through the thread. So please disregard if not helpful. Just thought I'd write my thoughts down in case they helped somehow. Edited November 27, 2016 by melissaw72 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jt07 Posted November 27, 2016 Share Posted November 27, 2016 21 hours ago, WinterRosie said: I feel like it's my fault that I'm miserable out this for having shitty boundaries. I'm so conflicted. I feel like crazy-people keep getting told "you need more friends! Friends are good for you! Socialize! Try it!" But every time I do I end up resentful or unhappy because I don't actually want to see them. It's interfering with my priorities. I wish people could see that. Rosie, this really struck a chord with me. You are right that crazy people are always being told to socialize. In my case, socializing dramatically increases my stress level and makes me feel like crap. How is that good for me? I'm sick of being forced into socializing when it just isn't in my nature. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heilmania Posted November 27, 2016 Share Posted November 27, 2016 1 hour ago, jt07 said: How is that good for me? Okay, going a little off-topic. I only deal with friends one-on-one, and that seems to be okay with my anxiety. I think the important things I get from socializing in this very personal way are: 1. the opportunity to talk about what's really going on in my life without that person being tied up in it and 2. going out somewhere that isn't home or work. Dive bars are my favorite, as they are usually quieter, and the beer's cheaper. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gearhead Posted November 27, 2016 Share Posted November 27, 2016 Friends and socializing are good for you if they're people you want to be around, who understand you and with whom the relationship is reciprocal. A "friend" who forces his company on you is just a nuisance, and you have every right and good reason to ignore hid pushy attentions. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissaw72 Posted November 27, 2016 Share Posted November 27, 2016 6 hours ago, jt07 said: socializing dramatically increases my stress level and makes me feel like crap. How is that good for me? I'm sick of being forced into socializing when it just isn't in my nature. Agree for me too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
floppyfishes Posted February 4, 2017 Share Posted February 4, 2017 (edited) On 11/26/2016 at 9:41 AM, WinterRosie said: I feel like it's my fault that I'm miserable out this for having shitty boundaries. I'm so conflicted. I feel like crazy-people keep getting told "you need more friends! Friends are good for you! Socialize! Try it!" But every time I do I end up resentful or unhappy because I don't actually want to see them. It's interfering with my priorities. I wish people could see that. my therapist says that being able to hang out with myself is the best, but if nice people who you want to be around come around... friends. thats a plus. Thinking this way, put down my stress level. In my situation though I need at least one good friend. Edited February 4, 2017 by floppyfishes 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KnickNak Posted February 4, 2017 Share Posted February 4, 2017 There should be a Period between Fuck and Friends with this topic.. Unless you want to fuck your friends. ha jk. I agree. Friends stress me out, having one good friend I suppose is ok. But otherwise I am ok. 8 minutes ago, floppyfishes said: my therapist says that being able to hang out with myself is the best, but if nice people who you want to be around come around... friends. thats a plus. Thinking this way, put down my stress level. In my situation though I need at least one good friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissaw72 Posted February 4, 2017 Share Posted February 4, 2017 On 11/27/2016 at 2:08 PM, Gearhead said: who understand you and with who the relationship is reciprocal Very true ... especially the reciprocal part. I don't really like the on-way street friendships much. I have some of these people in my life, but just deal with what I can. If they want to write they can. If I don't respond to them for awhile and later on they ask why no response, I say, "It works both ways." And I have no regrets on how I handled it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KnickNak Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 52 minutes ago, Dphxa said: I used to know a guy who used this expression to describe his "friends with benefits". I have been holding my "tongue". haha.. if he only knew Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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