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Lost all inhibitions


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I feel like I've gone off the deep end. I keep winding up spending hours on end screaming at things and sobbing, only to turn around and wind up in giggle fits for an equal amount of time. This weekend, a visiting friend asked if I'd been one of those kids who'd been told she shouldn't cry as a kid (she wondered why I was trying so hard not to cry at a sad part of a movie) and I was launched into a two-hour long fit that broke several CDs, used up half a roll of toilet paper to wipe up my tears, and sent me through half my life story. I'm scared because I haven't had one of these fits in nearly two years, and what set me off was a seemingly small thing.

Since then, I haven't been able to do anything correctly. I forgot to complete my homework for Tuesday. One of my classes moved, and when the room it said it moved to was empty, I roamed the halls checking most every room for half an hour, before finally chucking my books down the staircase and screaming about how I couldn't find the place. I scared quite a few people, and afterwords felt really awkward. I went back to my room and didn't come out the rest of the day, abandoning my other class.

That night I couldn't stop laughing for a few hours, finding everything funny. When that stopped I suddenly became very pissed again because there were people in the hall shouting at each other. I told them to shut up since it was after midnight, then fell into bed and started crying until I fell asleep.

I felt cheerful when I woke up Wednesday morning, but that went downhill fast. One of my friends got angry with her girlfriend over nothing and I chewed her out, and then I felt guilty for taking my anger out on her. I went through a couple hours of switching between feeling lethargic and sobbing and laughing hysterically. At one point, I found a pair of scissors and chopped off several chunks of my hair and proceeded to cut up some empty boxes and a towel. Then my dad sent me a career survey and I filled it out and sent it back to him, along with an angry message telling him that I wanted to get out of this school because I can't stand the people and I feel there's no relevance to the real world in what they're teaching me. I then ate a whole box of lucky charms and god knows what else, I lost track.

This morning, I walked into class only to start laughing my head off, and when I couldn't stop, the teacher asked me to leave. I haven't left my room since, and the only time I went out yesterday was to get food.

I'm scaring myself and my boyfriend is now begging me to get help. He keeps insisting that I've lost all inhibitions and he's scared I'll hurt myself. I'm not sure if I will, but I know that I'm bothered because this doesn't feel like me at all. Everything I do seems logical at the time, but I feel like crap afterwords and wind up in another crying fit. I'm also not normally an angry or violent person, and I'm afraid I'll hurt someone else.

As I've said before, I don't have a diagnosis (yet), because I haven't seen a pdoc. I called yesterday and set up an appointment, but they can't see me until February 6 because the fucking university is so backlogged. I'm hoping someone knows what I can do in the mean time because while I can appreciate how strange some of what I'm doing seems right now, I keep winding up doing more strange things and I can't stop myself because it all seems right when I do it. I told my dad in the Email that I wanted to take the money I have in my bank account and drop out of college and run away, and he said we'd "discuss my problems tonight", but I'm seriously ready to do it right now and keep skimming apartment ads and job listings.

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I feel like I've gone off the deep end. I keep winding up spending hours on end screaming at things and sobbing, only to turn around and wind up in giggle fits for an equal amount of time.

...

As I've said before, I don't have a diagnosis (yet), because I haven't seen a pdoc. I called yesterday and set up an appointment, but they can't see me until February 6 because the fucking university is so backlogged.

...

I told my dad in the Email that I wanted to take the money I have in my bank account and drop out of college and run away, and he said we'd "discuss my problems tonight", but I'm seriously ready to do it right now and keep skimming apartment ads and job listings.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Goodness, it sounds miserable for you. I don't have advice, other than to suggest you do your best to not do anything rash with your money (can you give your Dad your money?, until you are stabilized?)

If you feel suicidal through any of this, go to the ER or call your pdoc's emergency service.

My heart goes out to you, it sounds wretched. I hope you get some good help on the 6th. Keep posting, we'll help as much as we can...

Hugs,

Suze

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Managed to get a walk-in today.

Officially going on medical withdrawl from term. It was clear to the counselor that I'm not stable enough to last out the quarter without failing something or cracking. Now I get to go find an apartment. Dad's fine with all this, and mom's demanding I move back home but dad and I both agree mom and I should be no where near each other right now. Got recommended to a good pdoc, calling to schedule in the morning... the one I saw today is one of the school's tdocs, but wasn't sure exactly what was wrong with me, said I seem depressed but that my outbursts suggest something more severe.

Right now I'm still a wreck but at least now I have confirmation that this isn't all in my head like one of my friends suggested. Heh... when the gal asked if I thought I was a danger to anyone else, I thought "only if that guy tells me one more time that all I've got is an attitude problem"...

Not much else to say, just updating... I'm going out apartment crawling tomorrow...

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while it sounds like you are having a rough time of it, props to you for being cognizant of the change in your actions and self aware enough to accept help/treatment. all too often i have friends who become unstable and completely deny that they have a problem or need help. one step in the right direction...good luck

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Have you got things like this in place:

*Movies to watch when you feel over stimulated and need to laugh hysterically?

*Old clothes or paper to rip up when you feel destructive?

*A supportive boyfriend for when you feel lonely?

*Sharps removed for when you feel depressed?

*A small amount of food available so you don't start skipping meals or binging?

This kind of thing can make dealing with moodswings easier. The best thing I have found is to remember that each mood will pass, no matter how intense it feels at the time. Also, you're entitled to feel you feel, if you are BPD there are a lot of theories that you will react to stressors in a different more exaggerated way than others, biochemically, it's not your fault that your moods seem out of control, you aren't to blame.

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Unfortunately, only movie that I brought to college with me is Breakfast Club. The rest I've taken care of, either previously or just now at seeing your suggestion.

Thank you everyone for the suggestions. I started up a LiveJournal earlier this week for other purposes, but it's fast become a track of my mood swings, so hopefully that'll help at the pdoc, as you suggested Greeny.

I just want to get this figured out so I can get back to a normal life by next school year.

I'll admit I'm feeling a bit awkward saying anything here; people tend to regard me as an angsty teenager who's overreacting and most passerby just think I'm drunk when I start in on any odd fits. I've got a friend spending the weekend with me and helping me tour apartments, so that should be good at least...

The only thing I'm having a problem with right now is the food part... right now I'm genuinly hungry because I haven't eaten since last night, but I can't get anything to sound good... hate that...

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